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Cc1954 Asked July 2022

Visiting dad at home but he barely acknowledges me. Any suggestions?

My dad is 98 and still lives alone at home, but I am there daily. He refuses any outside help so I am spending time cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc. (Maid services)


I do this for two reasons. He refuses to spend any money at all because “he can do it himself”. I had the house professionally cleaned 6 months ago and when I walk in every day, the garbage is not disposed of, meals are left on the table, liquids “fall” in the refrigerator and I cannot even mention the condition of the bathrooms.


I might add he does not have dementia and is of sound mind. When I do visit and perform maid services he just sits and watches tv. I try to make conversation, but it’s like he can’t be bothered. I leave sad every day and resentful that I am now just the help to him. I drew the line at showering him and hired a woman to come in once a week to shower and shave him and she only charges $20.00 . My dad says he can shower alone, but he has become very unsteady on his feet and I fear he may fall. As long as I pay for all his needs, he is perfectly fine with that. But, I ask him to please get some outside help to do the household chores and that’s a definite NO. I am retired, but my current ”job” with dad is the hardest work both emotionally and physically. Sorry, I just needed to vent because even my closest friends tell me how lucky I am to still have him and they think his cheapness is cute. I am lucky to still have him, but I want to be his daughter, not the help. Any suggestions?

MeDolly Jul 2022
Nothing cute about him and his behavior.

My father was a slob, his wife had died the house was let to ruin, Finally convinced him to hire a house cleaner, she cleaned once, why you ask? Well because she would show up and he would not let her in, just hand her a $50 check, I monitored his checking account and I thought "Great", the house is getting cleaned.

I visit him (1200 miles away) go inside his house and almost faint, it was a pigsty. Long story short, I cleaned the house, told him that he had to move to Florida full time so that I could keep on eye on him.

He never made it, died before we could get the house in order. It took me 8 weeks and $30,000 to get the house in a salable condition.

At his age, he will not change, he is a cheapskate and that is it. I hope that he has all his papers in order Durable POA, Will and so on so that if need be you can step in.

Get a new job, back off let the chips fall where they may, sometimes we caretakers need to sit back and watch and do nothing, eventually something will happen, it always does.

BarbBrooklyn Jul 2022
Has your dad always cared more about money than about people?

Have you told him "Dad I cannot and will not be cleaning for you or paying for your showers any longer. You are an adult with resources and you need to use them to fund your care. I want to be your loving daughter, not your scullery maid."

His response should guide your judgement of his capacity for insight and your future course of action.

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Grandma1954 Jul 2022
STOP!!!!!
He is of "sound mind"
He "can do it himself"
From what you are describing he is NOT of sound mind and he can NOT do it himself.
Stop propping him up and let him flounder a bit.
Contact APS inform them that there is a vulnerable senior that is refusing help. YOU can no longer take care of all his needs. He HAS to accept outside help if he wishes to remain in his house. (have you explained that to him? Did he comprehend that?)
This is on you. If you continue to do what you have been doing, and it seems to work well for your dad so why on earth would he want to PAY someone to do what you are doing for free.
Start charging dad for your services if that makes it easier for you...a little extra $$ is never a bad thing.
OR
STOP doing what you have been doing.

Geaton777 Jul 2022
Your boundaries should be:

1) you don't pay one dime for anything that is for his care and well-being.
2) you get reimbursed from him for everything you have paid for to this point.
3) you inform him you won't be doing the daily hands-on work anymore (and you don't need to give an excuse). Make a hard date at which it will end (this is for you, not him).
4) you will gladly continue to help manage what is required but to do this you will need to be his DPoA. If you aren't already, then this is a deal-breaker.

If you are his DPoA already, I think your authority may already be able to be in play. You will need to get access to his banking so you can pay his bills and manage his affairs. Don't make this an open battle: you may need to go to the bank with him in person as banks have their own PoA protocol (even if you bring the legal paperwork that exists -- they do their own). Or, you can go online and create online banking for him so that you can set up BillPay, etc. You'll need his account numbers for this.

If you are not his DPoA and he refuses all the above, tell him it will make you very sad to be forced to call APS and report him when his living conditions endanger him. The county will move for guardianship and will then decide for him where he lives and how his affairs are managed. The guardian will control his money, not him, not you. You won't have any legal ability to change anything after that happens.

Or, you can make an appointment to visit a good facility, take him out to lunch first then "drop in" to "see someone" at the facility. You don't have to tell him that you're there for a pre-arranged tour. You can tell him you're looking for yourself (or a friend). Most people his generation have terrible memories of nursing homes (and rightfully so). He just needs to get inside to see one to maybe have his mind changed.

Then see where it goes. You need to make and keep boundaries or you will continue to burn out. I wish you much success in improving both of your lives!

lkdrymom Jul 2022
Reminds me of my father. I refused to clean for him. Ever. I did do his laundry and that was nasty enough. Then I got a companion to come once a week and they did the laundry in his apartment together. I made it very clear that if he asked her to tidy up...his butt needed to be up helping her.

My aunt visited once and immediately started cleaning his apartment for him. I think she expected me to do this. My father never had the best 'aim' and I was not about to start cleaning that up. I had my own house to clean. She complained about the cleaning lady I hired. I pointed out she was NOT a cleaning lady but a person to keep him company once a week....cause he was too cheap to pay for more.

Start backing away. Do less and less. If he wants to live like that, then so be it. He has no reason to even try with you coming in.

lealonnie1 Jul 2022
Ask your friends who think dad's cheapness is so cute if THEY would like to pay for all this in home help he needs, or better yet, if they'd like to offer their services for free. I'm quite sure those giggles would dry up in short order. Those who like to remind us how lucky we are to have ancient parents are those who had sweet little old docile folks themselves to deal with....not the arses we're here blogging about on Agingcare.com, ever notice that? Empathy is earned only thru scar tissue, not thru easy times of cake and coffee at the kitchen table while mother knits and sings hymns and dad whittles on a stick! 🤣

Unless you are an only child who will inherit dad's entire estate, you're spending lots of your own money you'll never see again. Dad is really a piece of work to allow such a thing too, no pride or ego there, huh? Do you have POA? Is he capable of doing all his own finances? If you have POA you can pay yourself back but I'm assuming you don't. But, if you stand to inherit everything, I'd hire a weekly cleaning crew, meal service, and caregivers to come in daily so you can get rid of all those duties in one fell swoop. If not, you have to be able to afford what you're spending and be physically capable of doing the cleaning. I understand why you're doing it, too....the man is 98 and would be living in squalor and falling down if not for you and your generosity.

I don't think there's an easy answer here, a "just" do this or that and the situation is magically remedied. If you call APS, you threaten your relationship, let's face it. What I hope is that you stand to inherit everything and can put up the funds now to have dad taken care of at home, then get reimbursed later. Or, you can tell him that you'll no longer do anything, and he'll have to move to Assisted Living. But, he'll say no and being of sound mind, thats that.

He's 98.....his days are limited. Let's hope you can find a work-around that keeps you both happy for the remainder of dad's days left. Maybe ask him if you can borrow a few thousand dollars to get medical care or some necessity you can't afford.....like a furnace! Then use that $$$ for HIS care😁. Pretty slick idea, huh?

Good luck And Godspeed to you, my friend
janeinspain Jul 2022
Lealonnie, Your first paragraph here made me laugh out loud, thanks for that! And indeed, as you say, Dad is a “piece of work” for just allowing this to happen. If people insist they are capable of living alone then their families should also insist on being treated with respect. And draw a hard line when it doesn’t happen.
Evamar Jul 2022
Cheapness is not cute, being prudent with money is smart, taking care of your needs and spending money on it is what responsible adults do.
Your father being of silent generation seems to me thinks it is your job as woman to clean etc.
Write him a list of things that need to be done and how to get them done, but not by you. No negotiation. He pays, he is adult capable of paying, 98 old does not need saving money, but needs to live well.
You can help with cooking, preferably together to get more Dad/ daughter time.

Taarna Jul 2022
is behavior is not cute; it is abusive. Please get him evaluated and treated: by a primary care doctor, a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist (a lot of seniors have depression( and maybe a neurologist (since he is having balance problems and probably has some dementia issues).

Fawnby Jul 2022
To be blunt: he is NOT okay. From what you’re describing, he is likely to fall eventually and probably soon. Do you want him to die like that? He needs 24/7 care by professionals in a safe place. You seem to be in denial and you need expert advice. Please get it for the good of dad and for your own well being. As for the companionship you hope for, that train has left the station and won’t be back. It’s up to you to get dad into a better situation right away. So sorry you are going through this.
Erikka Jul 2022
He’s 98. He will die. From a fall. From heart failure. From a cold. From refusing to move into assisted living when he is mentally sound and has the legal right to stay in his house. Blaming “you’re in denial” and the “do you want him to die like that” guilt trip isn’t helpful.
Countrymouse Jul 2022
Get new friends.

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