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truthbetold Asked July 2022

How do you suggest keeping dad (96 yrs) calm in a different environment with a different caregiver while I attend a wedding for 6 hours?

Stuff happens and the caregiver had an accident. I can't watch my dad. Dad lives with me in the winter and back to his home in the summer. My mom recently passed.


I have a wedding to attend in the same city as my dad's summer residence so this worked out well to bring him there for his yearly visit. The support we had in place for him is not adequate as his memory has been even shorter. He requires a different caregiver, experienced in redirecting and able to handle his reaction if it turns out to be unfavorable. We never did anything like this before, but I really want to attend the wedding as it is a close friend.


The Wedding is from 6-11pm with a hotel for guests 5 min away. But, it is 45 min from his home.


One caregiver I have can come at 5:30 but needs to be at their night shift job in the other direction by 11pm.


If the caregiver stays at the hotel with my dad, takes him out locally to eat and fishing, he has to leave at 10pm .


If he stays at my dad's house, the caregiver has to leave by 10:30pm and I have to leave the wedding by 9:30pm. I would only get 3-1/2 hrs at the wedding. Better than nothing and I would get to see my friend and her kid tie the knot, etc.


My dad cannot stay alone. He would get up looking for everyone and yell. I can probably get a cot for my dad and he could sleep at the hotel that night with us.


What are some vitamins, foods or popular meds that Dr.'s perscribe or over the counter products that could work? I hate to say it, but manipulating my dad's mood so he doesn't protest and at least has fun.


My guess is that he will ruminate about his wife being taken or where is his son or daughter and why he isn't in his own house.


Writing reminder notes which he reads can completely ease his mood. He also plays his chess on the tablet and that buffers him alot.


What takes the edge of your elder who might have a similar personality? I understand this is not medical advice but just a great way to get familiar with the names of products that take the edge off when the parent is 90% good with their cognition but the 90% short term memory and they want their needs med immediately.


I am aware that this is not my dad's fault and all my fault for not planning better. But, at 96 years without any disease and physically without any ailments except for the memory, he is pretty good. The Dr said he is the healthiest patient in the practice (not on any meds except for use of Metformin when needed and we began to use a testosterone oral candy for depression and other mood issues or energy). His levels are only going up very slowly. He used to be more agitated, but not anymore. He is more manageable now. I am taking him to the Dr. tomorrow, but they are also very conservative and not really a geriatric practice.


Would unfamiliar surroundings and an unfamiliar caregiver be such a bad idea or will the evening be a fail? He is a ham and when given alot of attention, he really warms up to the caregiver, even a new one.


Some meds I have prescriptions for as an emergency are haliperidol, Xanax, celexa.


The dosages are the minimum possible and I have only used haloperidol 3 times. Celexa I used 3x only and one of the times he would not wake up and when he did, he didn't have the energy to dress until 4pm. But, that might've been due to a bad night sleep. He is just fine most of the time.

MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
I’d say do your best for the evening, with a competent caregiver who can cope with the worst and is expecting to ham it up themselves. If Dad cracks a fruity, so what? He will probably forget it, certainly get over it. You will have done what you need to do – celebrate the wedding of someone who you also care about, with memories that will mean a lot to you. Too many ‘what if’s’ can ruin your life!

Fawnby Aug 2022
Dad should probably be seeing a geriatric specialist and perhaps a neurologist now. His current doctor may not be qualified to deal with these issues. From what you’re telling us, his brain is not well. So he is not without disease or ailment. Dementia is a disease of the brain. The mood issues are an ailment for which he’s being medicated. And he requires caregiving because of those things. I hope you go to the wedding and have a great time, but you should be thinking ahead to your next steps regarding your dad.

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Geaton777 Jul 2022
You may want to do a practice run in advance to see how it goes so you won't get any panicked phone calls while at the wedding. Maybe the week before? Also, maybe find a male caregiver?

Natasana Jul 2022
I cannot speak to your medication questions. But one statement caught my eye. You said

He is a ham and when given alot of attention, he really warms up to the caregiver even a new one

Unless I'm missing something, if I were in your shoes I would have your dad stay in his familiar residence, and hire a new caregiver for that evening, one who can stay the entire time. Seems this would be less complicated. And your dad would at least have a familiar surroundings. And you may enjoy the wedding more without all that pressure to get back so early.
Beatty Aug 2022
Agree. Familiar residence, even with an unfamiliar caregiver. Book them now to practice. Arrive at LEAST one hour before & stay at LEAST an hour after the latest end time.

How on earth would you relax & enjoy the wedding otherwise?

I'd be planning the next stage too. 2 week respite stays in the nicest local NH.

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