Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
H
Harley48 Asked July 2022

What to do when my brother comes to my mother and I's house with granddaughter to manipulate money?

Today while I was at work, I periodically check my cameras to see how mom is doing. Meanwhile, on the camera I noticed that my brother was at the house with my niece, telling my mother that my niece needs the $200 a month allowance that was going on prior to me taking over the financial durable power of attorney. I heard him tell my mother who has memory loss and slight dementia that I need to write them a check and it's none of my business what I say about it because it's for her grand daughter. I never kept any of her money from the grand kids, until I found out that they are using my niece to get money for them. I have explained to my mother what was going on in the past and she would agree with me at the time. But, it becomes a different story afterwards. As though I personally don't want my niece to receive money. I don't want to upset my mother, but my brother is manipulating and has taken my mothers savings and I couldnt do anything since he was a co-owner of the account. I closed that account and got my mother a new one that they can't touch. What should I do?

reallyfedup Jul 2022
You have financial durable power of attorney. Take your mother to an elder law attorney, who should be able to discern whether she has the capacity to manage her own finances. Even a person with dementia may be able to do so. A medical check up would also not be out of order. If your mother is deemed incompetent, take her check book away. Take away any instrument that would give her access to her funds. Unless your brother and his children are violent or abusive, I wouldn't bother to try to restrict their access to her. They just simply won't get any money. Also, if she doesn't have an estate plan, have the attorney determine whether she is competent enough to create one. Be careful, however. Never meet with the attorney without your mother. If your mother is unable to travel, there are attorneys who will come to them.

GardenArtist Jul 2022
Some questions:

1. How old is this granddaughter? If she's of working age, is she working, and if not, why not?

2. Has anyone ever raised the issue of providing help in exchange for being paid?

One of the aspects of humans that really irritates me are people who feel they're entitled to funding, w/o doing anything to earn it.

3. If the granddaughter (and I'm assuming she) is of age to work, or do chores, make a list of tasks she can perform in order to earn money. From what I read, there are a lot of entry level jobs than inexperienced people can get, learn, and leverage.

It really irks me when people expect others to support them, or provide assistance, w/o providing anything in return or attempting to be self supporting.

OTOH, there are predators; most of us probably know that, and they do prey on the vulnerable.

Besides good advice already from others, one thing you can consider is filing for a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against your brother to prevent him from exploiting a vulnerable adult. We got a PPO just by meeting with an attorney working at the county courthouse specifically for this function. Judge signed off but with a few changes.

A PPO can prohibit all contact (phone, e-mail, etc.) but can also prevent someone from coming within a certain radius of personal property, i.e., your brother could be prevented from coming within, say, 300' of your home (and your mother's residence) or from calling, writing or otherwise pestrering her.

ADVERTISEMENT


AlvaDeer Jul 2022
You need to take all money OUT of the control of your mother now if she has any dementia. You need to go to the bank and be certain that only you as POA are managing the account and writing out all checks. You will need to be current acting POA for all her bills and all her accounts, and all entities need to be informed of this. This can ONLY happen with a diagnosis of dementia.
When my brother had a diagnosis of early Lewy's Dementia he made me his POA. I went to the banks with my POA papers and got put on the accounts as the only one to write checks on those accounts in his name with me as POA and all checks were written by me. Same with his Trust. We then made a spending account for my brother's personal use. An account with some few thousand in it. Are you and your Mother aware of what gifting does to the lookback for medicaid, for the possibility of her GETTING medicaid assistance should she need it in future?
If you are not aware of how to manage your POA, of how all this works, you must be. JoAnn is correct. There are rules. Either you are in charge of Mom's funds or SHE is. There cannot be too many chefs managing the same bills and accounts. If Mom is not having dementia, and you are not in charge of the accounts, then you cannot make decisions about them. Please see an elder law attorney or the head banker at your Mom's bank. You are paid for this through your Mom's funds in bank.
You also need to know how to keep files and meticulous records if/when you are in charge of your Mom's money and her accounts and her bills. This is something that can't be all over the place. It is an either/or thing. Either Mom does the money (her own) and the bills and makes the decisions or you do.
If you caught your brother doing this send him a "legal letter" written that he is not to approach your Mother for money, and that he will be charged with elder abuse if he does so again, that you are her POA and he is to come to YOU for any needs or face charges. Make it strong and make it clear or he may wipe her out before you can act.
If your Mom is, however, not demented? Then whether you have POA or not she is still able to, under the law, make her own decisions. Make it clear to her the repercussions of giving her money away when she may need it.
You are POA. You have serious obligations here, and it's a very tough job. I wish you good luck.

JoAnn29 Jul 2022
Your DPOA is not in effect unless it's immediate. Most DPOAs are written that one or two doctors have to declare the principle incompetent to make informed decisions. Do you have something like that saying that Mom can no longer handle her finances. If not, then she can write a check to her granddaughter.

You need to stand up to brother. Tell him Moms money is for her care and bills. That there is no reason for any grandparent to be giving an "allowance" to a grandchild or a child unless rich which your Mom isn't. Tell brother that he is just going to need to live on what he brings in and daughter needs to get a job.

Good you are getting a lawyer.

Harley48 Jul 2022
i have durable power of attorney, my mother get angry when i tell her that we will not give any money . i did contact an attorney hopefully they can help. The issue with her is she consistently changes her mind on this matter. One time she all for not giving money but then when my brother comes by its a different story and im the bad person

Geaton777 Jul 2022
You need to become your mother's DPoA if you want to be able to protect her from losing her money to family scammers. Take her to a certified elder law attorney. The attorney will interview her privately to assess if she is able to comprehend what assigning a PoA means. She doesn't need to have a perfect memory, just the ability to understand what the attorney discusses with her. If the attorney thinks she has "capacity" then hopefully your mom will give you the full range of authorities to manage all types of financial and asset transactions. After she creates the DPoA take her for a medical exam and request they do a cognitive/memory test so that it is in her records. Even so, if your brother decides to contest the PoA, you may have to pursue guardianship to stop the manipulation. Her attorney may be able to also create some pre-guardianship authorization in the legal packet.

FYI if you become her PoA you are under NO legal obligation to tell this to your brother, or share any of her financial or medical info with him. The less he knows, the better. He will have to hire an attorney to force your mother to divulge who the PoA is. Also, if he is left alone with your mother and she doesn't have a diagnosis of impairment in her medical records, he could very easily convince her to make HIM her PoA, and it would be legal. Paying the attorney is well worth the protection for your mother.
babsjvd Jul 2022
Good advise , my SIL , kept changing the POA simply by printing one off the computer and getting 2 people to witness. MIL has dementia. Had to have the attorney add a clause that it could not be changed without a physician. That stopped that…Things got so out of hand, the bank froze accounts and the bank’s attorney was involved…
gladimhere Jul 2022
Harley, have you taken mom to see an elder law attorney? I see you have several posts this year that all deal with your brother and his manipulation to try to get money from your mom. This has to stop and you need an attorney's advice. I can't help you, nor can most on this forum. Those that can will tell you to see an elder law attorney, QUICK, before mom will no longer be allowed to sign documents because of future incapacity.
Harley48 Jul 2022
Just the other day while I was at work, I regularly check my cameras that I have installed so that I am able to see what my mothers doing during the day, Needless to say my brother and my niece were visiting my mother and brought her lunch. I am able to hear them conversate and mom was enjoying her lunch, so i continued to work for about an hour, then checked the cameras again on my break. As I was watching the video, I was horrified to hear my brother demanding my mother what to say "tell Linda to write a check for 200 dollars for your grand daughter." He kept repeating it as the voice got more and more intimidating. I wanted to leave asap, but I called my mother via phone since it was the fastest way to get connected to her. As my brother handed the phone to her, I told her that I was on my way to her and my brother got on the phone and said Oh so your coming home early, I told him on my way.
Mom was okay doing her normal routine of watering the yard, as I began to look at the camera video recording, My brother threatened my mother to make me write checks, and then I saw my niece whispered to her dad, then she began record my mother frantically looking in her purse, yet he kept telling her, no no you need to tell Linda. That got me so enraged that I called him immediately and told him I am going to an attorney and file charges on him for elder financial abuse, what kept me from doing earlier is my mother didnt want to have the family in turmoil but I am so done and the scare I felt helpless at work. We are selling our house and moving so that I can caretake her myself.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter