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angryannie Asked June 2022

How do I put healthy boundaries in place with a sibling without causing a huge row?

Sorry if this is long but it’s to do with my sister whom up until when our mother passed 3 years ago now, we were always very close. But after she has called me in that timeframe. I’ve got off the phone feeling anxious and churned up inside. I don’t if it’s intentional or not (she’s seven years younger than me) but one particular time, and this is before we moved our dad in with us, she sent me a scathing message saying” Hey is Dad still alive?
I said “ Of course he is I’d tell you if something was wrong” then I get “ how can I be sure” I was very upset as my hubby and I saw him the most as back then we both had more free time than her, and she lived 90 mins drive from him. She’s almost always unreachable on her mobile and I get tired of leaving messages that are returned only when it pleases her.
I ended up by ringing her and asking what was wrong and she totally attacked me. We argued and I hung up on her. I don’t know to this day why she did this. But I suspect she was guilty about her lack of care towards my father with whom she has always had a difficult relationship with anyway, resentful and took it out on me. She also said that since I’m Dad’s favoured one, we should look after him because even though she offered, he declined. But saying that, she then said “she would have to drive him to church every Sunday, so thank God she dodged that bullet.” I was stunned.
Anyway sorry for the saga but other similar phone conversations about things related to our father’s care, the sale of the house, other hurtful guilt tripping things, and mainly his financial status, this was after I gave her my good piano so she get her boys taught to play, which was at my Dads old house, have left me wondering who does she really care about besides herself,? and I cringe now when I see her caller ID on my phone. I’ve thought about blocking her but that could cause trouble which I can’t deal with right now. The last time I spoke to her was two weeks ago and again the feeling of telling her things concerning our Dad made me feel like the bad person again. So I’m kind of dreading our next conversation. I feel sick about this as I’ve always thought we were close.

ConnieCaretaker Jun 2022
Best thing I ever did was to block the numbers of people who intentionally hurt me: I gave myself permission to be free of cruel people who didn't care about me. I have no regrets and I never look back.
angryannie Jun 2022
I can tell you Connie. it’s very tempting to block people that are toxic. I have done it with one person whom I thought was a friend but who was in fact just using me because there was no one else around and I was convenient. A sad thing to happen as I have known this person for over 30 years.
againx100 Jun 2022
And if she continues to cause you a lot of stress and brings you nothing but negativity, go ahead and tell her you're blocking her and too bad if she doesn't like it. You don't like how she is treating you and how you feel in your interactions with her so your relationship is already damaged.

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againx100 Jun 2022
From your profile - you're lucky to have a hubby who helps you get through these difficult times. I couldn't do it without the help and support from my hubby either!

I can see why you'd cringe when she calls! I don't know if I'd go as far as blocking her at this time but I'd certainly not answer her calls very often. It's a bummer when your relationship with someone ends up to be different from what you had thought it was. Give her the bare bones of info. Be vague and positive. If there is something serious going on, you should tell her but stay as matter of fact and short as you can.

Good luck!
angryannie Jun 2022
Thankyou for this advice and listening. It all helps.
lealonnie1 Jun 2022
Isthisrealyreal says, "I have seen that people really show you what they are made of during difficult times, no criticism, not everyone can handle stressful situations but, that doesn't give them a free pass to make it harder.' I agree with this statement 100% b/c I've seen first hand how 'loved ones' go stark raving mad when their father gets sick and/or needs a surgery. Suddenly, their heads start turning around in 360 degree circles and they're puking up pea soup, blaming innocent people for 'wrongdoing' when they're breaking their backs doing everything FOR these people's father. While they, of course, sit back in their armchairs ranting & raving, doing ZIP to help. Just passing judgement on others, which they're experts AT doing well. Such people feel ENTITLED to make things harder on those who are doing their best and think they have the right to do so, which blows my mind. It's the 'kick the dog when he's down' syndrome, imo.

Who knows what's wrong with your sister? If at all reasonably possible, and it may not be, sit down for a cuppa with her and have a heart to heart talk. See if you can get on the same page about dad, and about what's bothering her. Let her know you always felt close, as sisters, so you genuinely want to know what went awry? Again, she may be too far gone for such a talk, but I'm forever hopeful about repairing damaged relationships. Sometimes it's impossible, but you'll find that out TOO if you try & she's closed off to your attempts. Then you'll know you did your best, right? :)

Good luck!
angryannie Jun 2022
That’s very good advice Thankyou.
MargaretMcKen Jun 2022
It sounds to me as though your younger sister is jealous – of your relationship with your father, perhaps, plus your achievements or the respect other people show for you.

My own younger sister went the ‘drop out’ route in her twenties, and as a result ended up with little money and no prospects in a small town close to my BIL’s great surfing beach. She has ended up bitter, jealous, and nasty when she feels like it. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago, when she hit me hard on the head. Her ‘apology’ letter was a justification about how I had always treated her as ‘the little sister’.

If it’s like my situation, you have done nothing intended to upset her, you can’t go back to her childhood anyway, and there is no way you can change her entrenched attitude. My suggestion would be to keep your guard up and your expectations low if you continue to have dealings with her, or just give up if you can’t risk it. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
angryannie Jun 2022
Thanks Margaret:)
You’re probably right about her being jealous, though i
don’t know why. If anything she is far more accomplished than I am in the creative sense, she’s travelled the world and gained so much more than I have. All I’ve done is get really good marks in Piano and theory exams whoppee!!!
She left home after finishing art college which my father paid for, btw and lived in a shocker of a tenement house with a psycho friend. Just to get away from us. She called me a coward for not leaving home and staying with my parents. Nice huh?
Seekingtruth123 Jun 2022
I can really relate to this. I have an older sis who I share similar experiences with. I did in fact block her on my phone and on WhatsApp. I told her I was going to do this too and explained politely and firmly why. I owned my part too. i.e.to ensure 'mean' msgs do not go back and forth between us. (Even though I had stopped doing this , once awareness struck, I had partaken is such exchanges in the past.) I had the confidence to block her as I had stopped retaliating at this stage. Interestingly, (she did most slag me off for doing it toothed ppl as wells other family members...but that's none of my business) it has helped. She's not blocked anymore, msgs are now factual/respectful/formal/polite, with kisses at the end mind. I'm happy with that, it's way better even if its more formal. Boundaries, boundaries boundaries! If your conscience is clear and you are behaving in line with your values...you're good, no one can touch you! If you aren't ....reflect and change your own behaviour! Hope helpful :)
angryannie Jun 2022
Thanks for this advice. The only thing I know I’m guilty of is giving away too much info. In that I mean that I get overwhelmed with things and mention incidents that are better left unsaid and therefore I would avoid the consequences of my emotions. So now I must learn to be more circumspect and if something does happen that is upsetting other than death, I’ll just keep quiet.
Countrymouse Jun 2022
Sounds to me like she's angry with your Dad. Not with you.

Remind her how close you and she always were before and ask her if that's what's eating her.

I have one daughter who lives in hope that her father will start behaving like normal fathers. You know, the sort who occasionally express (as well as feel) an interest in their children and demonstrate it by picking up the phone or arranging a visit. She knows her father and she should (she does) know better than I do that this is just not something he ever does or will ever understand is important; but that doesn't stop it driving her bananas, especially when there's a big event or a special milestone to celebrate. I think you can know something very well and still *want* it to be different, and the want comes out as frustration - which often doesn't pick its target any too accurately.

It's your description of how she turned his rejection of her offer to look after him into a blessing, a bullet dodged. A joke, in a way, but pretty bitter, don't you think? Maybe it still hurts.

As the "favoured one" (who gets to carry him, oh joy) you are in a sticky position with her, because you're not going to join in with tearing him to pieces but at the same time you recognize that she does feel differently because she has been rejected and things have always been difficult between them. Don't allow yourself to be the buffer zone between them - if she attacks you again, try "it is not my fault that you do not have a good relationship with your father. Any complaints, take them to him." - but don't let it push you further apart.
angryannie Jun 2022
Thankyou country mouse. That’pretty astute. The thing is, my sister and my Dad are very alike in nature, self absorbed and independent, and not really caring if what they say hurts people. I didn’t realise how much she was like my dad until as I mentioned before, when our mum died. The worst day of my life. I miss her terribly. She was a wonderful wife to Dad and mother to us. I know my father is so lost without her. My brother lost so much more when she died as she was his adoptive mother and very close. his birth mother whom he only just found in the last few years, died last year as well as his best friend. Now his marriage is broken up. He has really suffered and I feel so bad for him. He and my sister are close which is good. I really don’t want to block her if I can help it. I will definitely try to approach the subject gently with her. I don’t want a permanent rift.
Anabanana Jun 2022
”I’m sorry to hear you’re so anxious. Would you like to speak with Dad? I have to go and can’t talk now.”

Your post is written in the past tense. If she is calling to rehash past decisions, don’t engage. “We did what was best under the circumstances. That was then, this is now.” or some other stale statement. Often people 2nd guess and hyper-analyse things that cannot be changed. I think it gives them a feeling of contributing or involvement, when, at the time of the actual decision, they were absent or quiet. They don’t process the reality that something is unchangeable and they can only learn from it and move on.

If she is hitting a raw nerve with you, perhaps you need to remind yourself of the same. There are always different approaches to care and the path you chose may not be what she’d have chosen. But that doesn’t make it wrong. You’re both viewing the past through the lens of today.

And and you may never find out why she attacks/attacked you because she may not know or be able articulate it herself.
angryannie Jun 2022
Thankyou good answer
Isthisrealyreal Jun 2022
Well, you should be spending ALL of dad's assets for his care.

Whatever is left will be handled according to his will or state law.

Is this the sibling that holds POA?

I have found that not sharing keeps these difficult people away from my nerves. Everything is ALWAYS good, fine and going well, even if the house burned down, dad's in hospital and the cat keeps puking. The truth is they don't care and sharing only gives them something to be critical about.

I have seen that people really show you what they are made of during difficult times, no criticism, not everyone can handle stressful situations but, that doesn't give them a free pass to make it harder.
angryannie Jun 2022
My brother is POA. My sister is an enduring guardian like myself, I have actually decided to do what you suggested, although I hope the house doesn’t burn down and we have 3 cats. I overanalyse things until I drive myself mad and everyone else. Yes I have to say that I’m really going to be thinking twice about what I’ll be telling her when she rings in future. People don’t care generally and they do criticise and patronise, they can afford to because they are not accountable and they’re not helping out in any way. What made me really angry when she said what she did, I lost my temper and she said very calmly for me to “ control my emotions” what a joke? After she’d provoked me. I am a hothead I’ll admit that, but my husband and I are the ones caring for my Dad. My brother was on my side in this situation. Maybe my sister is going through an early change of life.
AlvaDeer Jun 2022
Sounds like you are her entertainment.
I use the "KILL them with sweetness routine" and it's lots of fun and entertainment.
I see no indication that your Dad is alive still or that he has passed, so I am assuming Dad is alive and living with you. That means that you should encourage his speaking with her, and never discuss her with him (elders have a way or telling secrets on the phone). Just offer Dad a chance to call daily. Put him directly on the phone. If she asks to speak with you tell her you really have no news.
Any time she goes to the past just cheerfully say "Oh, HON. I just don't DO the past anymore. My new shrink absolutely forBIDS it".
Tease her, make her believe you are the cat and she's the mouse, tease her. Laugh at her will REALLY work well.
As I said, have fun with it. Leave her twisting in the wind.
Of course, if you are not of my perverse nature, then just tell her "Ooops, stew's boiling! Gotta go. Take good care. Talk soon" and set the phone down.
The Boundaries book by Henry Cloud is an easy read full of anecdotes in which you may see yourself coming and going.
It takes two to argue. It is amazing how easy it is to avoid it when you come to the final realization that we can't change others and they can't be allowed to attempt to change us.
I sure wish you the best.
angryannie Jun 2022
😂😂😂😂😂I’ll have to try that. Thanks
MeDolly Jun 2022
Well, regardless of the "suspected trouble" I would block her. She is toxic to you and that is that.

I have no time for people who are toxic to me, they serve no useful purpose in my life.

You are allowing her to impose guilt upon you, a very needless action, as guilt itself, is a self-induced process, so you take the ball from her and run with it, causing you emotional harm.

By blocking her you are eliminating a problem, not causing one. Take back your power, do what is right for you.

Good Luck.
angryannie Jun 2022
Thankyou. I never thought I’d see the day when I would have to do this.

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