Sister in laws so arrogant, didn’t offer help when Mom needed 24/7 care! Is this normal?

Sorry, but your sisters in law, your own siblings and even you are not responsible for providing any amount of care for your mother. It is completely unreasonable for you to have expected them to care for your mother to any extent.

It has nothing at all to do with whether or not they like you. It simply is not their job.

Personally I will never provide hands on care for either of my parents. My Dad lives at my brother's house and I do not expect my sister in law, who lives in the same house to provide any degree of care to Dad.

Thank you all for your support and honesty.. I needed that to come to my senses. I knew it deep down that they are not morally obligated to help. These are my husband’s sIsters. Prior to my mom getting the stroke they would stop by or force dinner parties at my house 20 times a year. Since the stroke, I’ve forgotten what they look like because they have not came by since 2018. It would be nice to get a simple hi or drop off some food as I don’t have time to cook for the family sometimes.

Very normal. Same experience with my sister-in-laws, they never volunteered to help and were reluctant if called. I didn't hold it against them. One brother-in-law that offered lip service but no action.

Welcome to the club; you volunteered for this back breaking life sucker of a job. Nobody gonna help you. Unless you get private pay caregiver you trust. Or try an agency. My brother doesn’t help with caregiving or paying for it. So far I’ve been able to pay the caregiver but reduced hours. Caregiving sucks. My 93 yo mother has dementia, immobile, incontinent, violent. She’s not getting better. I’m not getting younger. I just pray to get through one more day.
Hugs 🤗

My husbands brothers and wives live 2 days away. But even if they lived near, I would not expect them to help with my Mother. I wouldn't help with theirs. I may ask if something I can get them while I am shopping, maybe sit with the woman if a SIL needs to run an errand. Maybe run her to an appt. But I would not feel obligated to help with their Moms care. Expecially if I was holding down a job.

It would be nice if they brought a meal or dessert. But I don't feel you should expect it. Its not their mother. If it does become their mother, you can back off saying you have done ur share of Caregiving. They will need to care for "their" Mom.

Why would you expect your brother's sisters to caregive for your Mother? That kind of baffles me. Regardless you or anyone else can't provide the level of care she needs 24/7 so it sounds like its nursing home time.

From a previous post: "I am the ONLY child caregiver. Dementia, stroke.. immobile and full 24/7 care and strict commode schedule. It is now 2 years on-going at home. I'll spare you the details because the answers on here resound everything I've been going through. I have a fulltime job, kid to take care of and doing this."

If you have a fulltime job, do you work away from the home? If so, then who is providing the care while you are not there?

Why can't your mother go to a facility?

You all need to re-read the post. The sister-in-laws she’s talking about are her husbands sisters. Not her brothers wives. She makes no mention of her own siblings.

You are upset because your husbands 3 sisters didn’t help you take care of your mom? Not his & their mom but your mom. Why do you think they were obligated to help?

Sorry, it’s VERY NORMAL, and a pretty good case can be made for the fact that you would have been much better off if you had agreed with the rest of the family that taking care of Mom was too much for you, too, and decided AS A FAMILY GROUP, how you could provide a SAFE, pleasant, comfortable place for your mother to live that did not place all of the responsibility on you to put your entire life on hold.

This was dumped on you because you were “the daughter”, and your brothers were the happy and confident dumpers. Why? Because you let them. Nothing in life is more certain than the fact that empathy is NOT an inborn trait. You were doing what you were doing and they, for whatever reason, didn’t want to get involved.

If you had been closer to them before your mother’s illness, it can be your choice to re-engage with them or not to. You can also decide if it is making your life better to feel hurt or not to feel hurt, and move forward accordingly. Nurturing and saving hurt doesn’t serve to improve the future though.

If you’d expressed these concerns here when your mother had her stroke, you would have been told by most caregivers that responding to your own feelings as a part of long term care decision making is really important when figuring out what’s best for a loved one too.

Can you give yourself the credit you deserve, without entangling your unhappy thoughts about the rest of your family, as you move forward? If not, maybe a conversation with a counselor or some other trusted professional might be a good use of your time. Lots of us have been where you are now. Your best direction is forward, in a way that gives YOU the positive feelings you deserve.

My mother LIVES wiht brother and SIL. She does nothing for mother. 22 years of having her MIL live there....kinda ruined any kind of relationship.

Brother does the lion's share. Mom has 3 daughters. WE step up, if needed. I don't expect my Sisters in Law to do anything for mother, they have their own moms to care for.

Having said that--My 4 sons in law would move the moon for me. Probably because I didn't raise them and I have been feeding them well for many years.

These are your brothers' wives or your husband's sisters? Big difference. If it's your brothers' wives, then it's your brothers' responsibility to assist; if it's your husband's sisters, they really have no moral obligation to help out. While that would be a nice thing to do, I don't see how their not helping you rises to the level of arrogance...maybe some further info would be helpful in determining a course of action...

Ummmmm...... what about your brothers???

Yes, it's normal. Very sad that they did this to their own mother but maybe they saw you as competently handling the situation? Did your husband even ask them to help in any specific way and they said no? Sometimes we caregivers think that needs are obvious, but they really aren't. I made sure I informed my BILs what care I was giving to their mom every day (I sent out an "update" email literally every day I did anything for her). They were very grateful because on their own they'd have no idea how much was involved and what a sacrifice it was (one lived locally and one out of state). Also, it is a hard truth that family is not "obligated" to be involved. Every adult knows they are aging and must prepare not only financially, but need to make overt decisions, not assumptions, about who is going to provide their care. Most seniors don't appear to do this, they make the assumptions, and it isn't fair to the family. You did a fantastic thing and may God bless you for it. I wish you to have forgiveness towards your SILs (it isn't worth nursing this hurt) and wisdom to not make any assumptions about your own future care. May you gain peace in your heart over all of it.

Hi Southern -
I'm not sure what is "normal" in this situation, but it is pretty common. Lurk around this forum a bit and you will encounter families just like yours.
My sibs are like your in-laws. Stayed away after mom had failed spinal surgeries and needed 24/7 care. Devastating.
It hurts and it's confusing and sad. Please don't take it personally or worry about their opinion of you. They are selfish and cruel.
I feel for you on this. Sending a big hug to you (bighug).

Yup, it is normal in many families. It is usually one that takes on the large and all of the responsibility. Some people, actually most people just are not emotionally able to provide care. Time to hire a caregiver so you can get some time away.

It isn't arrogance it is a lack of compassion and patience. Be grateful that you have these traits.