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MamaBearlyThere Asked May 2022

In order to improve my dad's quality of life, is it time to place my mom in memory care?

My mother is 75 and has Alzheimer's. She has been married to my father for 56 years and he is 80 years old. He cannot be her primary caregiver, he is used to her always taking care of him.


My husband and I helped them establish a family trust (we are the trustees) and were appointed DPOAs. We have been making all decisions for them for the last three years. Last year, we sold their house (to finance their AL) and moved them into a facility. We were motivated to do this quickly because my father is diabetic and had stopped taking his meds and eating nothing but fast food. He lapsed into ketoacidosis and was subsequently hospitalized. (My mother was so far gone that she never acknowledged that anything was wrong.) She would have never thought to call the paramedics or even family members for help.


The move to AL really improved his health. He walks on the treadmill everyday, takes the meds they give him, has put on weight, and is generally, physically, healthy now. The move to AL seemed to accelerate mom's dementia, and so did the fall she suffered after only two months at the facility. She tripped over their dog. Now, after less than a year at the facility, my mother is incontinent, can suffer from delusions, has attempted to leave the facility without my dad, and could not take any part in the planning for her own mother's funeral. We took her to my grandma's deathbed, but she couldn't acknowledge what was happening.


She relies on my dad a lot, but he is unprepared to do even the simplest things to care for her--such as making sure she eats the meals they serve her, and not just the desserts, checking to see if she wears her glasses, making sure she doesn't wear the same clothing all week, or taking her on facility outings/participating in facility activities that might be good for her (if they aren't of interest to him). He still seems to want her to make all daily decisions, just like she always had done before. Up until recently he still wanted her to drive, because his eyesight is deteriorating.


When they moved in she was diagnosed with MCI, but she has become so much worse, so quickly. We wanted to keep them together as long as we could, but my dad is becoming more and more resentful and bitter about his role as a caregiver. He feels trapped at the facility and I do empathize with his loss of my mom who he has always looked to for guidance. Every time I see him he says "we shouldn't have sold the house" or "maybe we can move into your sister's house?".


We recently considered some more expensive facilities--but we are trying to budget carefully since her mother lived until 97 years old and we don't want their money to run out. But it seems to me that the problem is that he wants more freedom and doesn't want to be confined with her all day, everyday. In order to improve my dad's quality of life, is it time to place my mom in memory care?

lealonnie1 May 2022
Does their AL have a Memory Care bldg or wing mom can move into? In my mom's AL, we had a man named Marty. He lived in the AL bldg and his wife of 60 yrs lived in the Memory Care bldg across the parking lot. It was ideal, really, bc he could go visit her daily and stay for an hour, then go back to his own apartment in peace and quiet at the AL. If such a thing can be arranged for your folks, it would be ideal. Having dad caring for mom is too much for him now, and he needs to get out of that role, in my opinion. It may be a hard adjustment.......who knows?

But I'll tell you this. My parents were married for 68 years, and living together in AL after dad broke his hip and became wheelchair bound. Mom felt burdened by caring for him, truth be told. He kept her up at night. His w/c scuffed up the walls in the apt. His eating habits irritated her. He didn't socialize enough for her tastes, and yada yada. When dad died 10 months later of a brain tumor, mom grieved for a very short time, then moved on with her life at the AL. I believe part of her was relieved to be alone and without the burden of caring for dad anymore. Which I can understand, to a degree.

Caregiving is hard work, and when you add dementia into the mix, it can be mind bending. I watched my mother take that dementia journey for the past 5 years and it was horrible. I could NEVER have cared for her in my home, and never would've expected my father to care for her either. I moved her from AL into Memory Care in 2019 and she died this past February. At some point, Memory Care becomes the only sane option for all concerned. Remember that dad's life matters too, which you seem to acknowledge beautifully. Many people do not, and only focus on the parent who's suffering from dementia. Dementia is a family disease meaning we ALL suffer.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed as you navigate this difficult road.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you. I appreciate your kind and thoughtful response. I especially am relieved to hear that your parents were married for so long and still were willing to be separated---although I know that the transition will be difficult to navigate. I think most of the responses here seem to agree that my mom will get more specialized and individual care with placement in the MC unit, and it will ease my dad's responsibilities and isolation. I just dread having this hard conversation with my dad.
97yroldmom May 2022
In reading your post I can’t help but wonder if dad will decline when they are separated.

If prior to 77 he had stopped taking his meds, was he mental or deeply depressed? You are saying you put them in memory care because of dad’s condition. He was supposedly the care giver but yet he was dependent on mom to give him meds.

Have you considered a private hire?

Someone who could take some of the burden off dad and give each an opportunity to have time away from the other might give them a few more months together and ease the transition.

I do this now with only one hour per day for my bedfast LO who is recently in a NH. It gives me a perspective I would not get on my own.

This person you put with them could stay on with dad later when mom is in MC and help him transition. Just something to consider.

I had in-laws who were mutually codependent. I always wished for MIL to have some time after FIL passed. He was very controlling. She died a month and a day after he did.

About your mom living to 97. Of course it happens with greater frequency but I am wondering if your 97 yr old GM had dementia in her early to mid 70s?
BurntCaregiver May 2022
The father is doing okay in AL. He's resentful about his wife's advancing dementia and neediness. He does not want to take care of her and is in denial about how bad off she is.
He will likely improve himself if she gets placed in MC.
Old-timers like that usually visit and spend the day with their wives then they can leave and get a break. He likely will not decline. He needs a break from his wife's care neediness.

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Jamesj May 2022
The idea of your parents staying together is wonderful, but the odds of them needing the same level of care at the same time is obviously not the case. Mom is in need of memory care. Sounds like dad still has some gas left in his tank!

At my moms facility, they have both AL apartments and a memory care unit. If you are fortunate enough to have that scenario, your mom could go to MC and your dad could stay in AL and he could visit her whenever he likes. If your folks existing place does not have that set up, maybe you could look for one that does. That way your dad could stay relatively independent, walk the treadmill daily, take trips to the store with the outings that AL offers, have friends to lunch with in the dining room, etc... and mom can have the MC support she needs. They would just be in different areas of the same facility. That also makes your visits easier because you're only driving to one place to see both parents.

Taarna May 2022
Seems mom needs MC while dad can still handle AL. See if a facility has a plan to give them each the experience each needs as well as time together throughout the day.,

DILKimba May 2022
We had to separate my FIL and MIL when she became a flight risk and her dementia worsened to the point that she became violent toward my FIL and the staff. She also hallucinated. He was worried about her so much and trying to control her behaviors which embarrassed him. For his sake and her safety we put her in memory care and he stayed in AL. the facility they lived in had small houses that each housed 10-12 residents. The MC houses looked just like the AL houses but we’re locked and their patios were gated to keep the residence safe. She was just 2 houses away. This way he could have a few moments peace and sleep without worrying about her escaping at night or ranting and raving all night. Fortunately even with COVID lockdowns they allowed him to come down every morning and every afternoon. We told him when she started sundowning in the afternoons it was time to kiss her goodbye and tell her he’d see her in the morning. It was so hard, but better than him not sleeping at all and taking her abuse. The sad thing is that even after doing that, the COVID Lockdowns and lack of seeing family for 6 months took a significant toll on my FIL. He really thought in his increasing dementia that his family had just forgotten about them. My husband and BIL called daily and my husband went by and would see him thru the window and drop things by, but in his deteriorating mental state he couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t/couldn’t come in. His health took a steep nose dive and he died in December 2020, and she passed away 30 days later.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you for your response and I am so sorry for your loss. Lockdown was really hard on my parents too--it really accelerated my mom's decline. They were still living at home, and I was the only daughter who was visiting on a weekly basis. I would cook, clean, and grocery shop for them on the weekends, when I wasn't working at my full-time job. I helped them observe birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays all during quarantine. My husband took over their bills and taxes (which is a job in itself) in addition to our own and working a full-time job himself. It has been an up-hill battle with very little gratitude (mostly my mom) and a lot of resentment (entirely my dad) in return.
Beatty May 2022
Not sure if this will help you decide..

But I met a couple living somewhat together but also separatly. Him AL room. She MC room. Same facility.

They had started out at AL in a joint room. She had control issues. When she was moved, he visited her every day or twice a day but was released from the day to day meals, clothing choices, stuff! He could persue the men's group, the newspaper reading group or whatever HE was interested. He thrived! Staff said she was more or less the same, still saw her husband but had her needs met by others.

It was a compromise that worked well.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you for your response. Yes, we believe that dad will do a lot better emotionally, if mom is moved to MC. It is just such a "final" decision and a very difficult choice to make. When I discuss it with him, he seems to waver from day to day. Somedays, he admits it is necessary, but other days, he seems to think she's still fine. I talked about this with both my sisters and one sister says yes, it would be better for dad, but the other sister says we need to wait. Dad is 80 and has some health issues, and I want to make his final years happy ones.
The hard decisions are always left to me.
Llamalover47 May 2022
MamaBearlyThere: She requires placement in a memory care facility.

my2cents May 2022
AL is for people who need assistance. Sounds like your mom needs more than that level of care at this point. Some facilities have AL and Memory care, or more advanced level of care, on the same grounds or within the same building. That might be better for dad. He can spend all the time he wants with her while someone else manages her food, meds, and limiting her ability to walk away. Dad could come and go.

AlvaDeer May 2022
I know that since he is the person most involved here your Dad must have an opinion on this. What is it?
Is there even the slightest chance that your parent's facility has both a memory care and an ALF involved. That was the case with my brother's ALF. There were cottages arranged on park life grounds, and two of them were memory care facilities. They had several spouses who could stay in ALF and enjoy a lot of their time while their mate was in the MC portion.
Wishing you the best.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you for your response. We chose the ALF specifically because we liked the MC unit so much.
Dad doesn't want to face the fact that mom has changed. They never decided or told us how they wanted to live once they required care. He says now that we never should have sold their house, but living on their own was unsustainable.
He thinks life should remain the same, because all of his needs are being met by us or the facility caregivers.
BurntCaregiver May 2022
I worked for a married couple and the husband was very much like you describe your father.
They had been married for a very long time. The husband was a very nice man and a decent person, but he was not a caregiver. He was used to his wife doing everything. She had LBD and was a total invalid for years. He was willing to pay caregivers anything they wanted. Top dollar to do for his wife. If there were times like bad weather and impossible to get to their house, he would leave his wife in a soiled diaper until the roads were cleared and one of us could get to them. He would put a few cookies in front of her or a sandwich if one of us wasn't there, but she was too far gone to feed it to herself. So she wouldn't eat.
He loved his wife but resented that he couldn't have any kind of life because of her. He had wanted to take a trip back to his native country when he was well enough to. We had suggested that he put her into respite care in a NH and take the trip. He didn't want to upset his adult kids by spending that money.
He ended up getting sick himself and dying four years before his wife finally did.
Put your mother in memory care so your father can have some kind of life. Tell him that it's the right choice for her to get the best care. Even though he resents the condition your mother is in and that she's needy, he loves her and likely feels guilty about having her placed in MC. Try to soothe his guilt about it. She belongs in MC.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you. I found your response helpful, and you seem to "get" the situation--which is constantly evolving. I especially appreciated your thoughts on the guilt he must be feeling. As their oldest daughter, I feel guilty too. We chose the ALF specifically because we liked the MC unit so much. We hoped to keep them together as long as possible, but she has changed so much, so quickly...and my dad seems miserable.
Natasana May 2022
Gosh, Goldstar's response resonates with me, especially:

"Give your mother the love and care she needs today, and today and today. The days after will work out – I promise."

I wish you all the best, including clarity, while weighing all your options. Your parents are fortunate to have you helping them.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you for your response. My mother wrote a letter to me a few years ago which outlined her wishes in terms of care for my grandmother (already in a MC unit) and how she knew dad would be incapable of making any financial decisions. But, she never wrote about what she wanted for herself if she required care. She never wanted to face the future, which she knew probably meant dementia for her. She said thinking about the probability of dementia (since both her parents had it) was liking staring down the barrel of a gun. Needless to say, she didn't want to be evaluated (dad didn't want her to go either)and I had to insist that she see a doctor.
Goldstar May 2022
I didn't hear very much about what your dad wants. You may have POA, but he is her husband, and if he's capable, he should be making (or at least assisting in the making) the decisions.

My guess is your dad is just overwhelmed with work and concern for your mom. He has taken care of her for 56 years and I would bet he's not ready to stop now.

Being responsible for someone 24/7/365 is daunting at best, but heroic and impossible are probably better ways to describe it. What your dad probably needs more than anything is some respite, so he can relax, unwind, and (like the kids say) chill out - or maybe even play poker with the boys.

Dr. Brad (I am not a doctor, I just play one on againgcare.com) recommends you start by getting a private caregiver to take care of your mom 4-6 hours a day for at least a few days a week, or you get your mom into an adult daycare situation if that's possible - or a combination of both.

Most importantly, your dad needs to be involved in the decision, given all the choices, and allowed to do what's best for his wife!

And, even though it's none of my business, I will add one more thing...

In my capacity as the Director of Operations for a boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida, I talk to family members who are concerned about money all the time. I know care is expensive and money is always a concern and the thought of running out of money is scary. Depriving your mom of the care she needs now in order to pay for the care she may (or may not) need later is weird - especially when she is declining rapidly.

Give your mother the love and care she needs today, and today and today. The days after will work out – I promise.
DILKimba May 2022
Did you read that her parents are already in Assisted Living and that her dad has no desire or ability to be a caretaker? Your reply didn’t seem to register those facts?
NancyIS May 2022
Your mother clearly cannot care for herself, and she deserves to have care that is more appriate for her condition. You say she has Alzheimers, and when you describe her condition, it sounds like it might be quite advanced. Have you consulted with her doctor or the social worker at her facility? If the facility also has a memory care unit, this would be ideal. It would make it easier for you to visit them if they are both in the same facility. Please don't expect your mother to remember or plan for things, or even to have good judgement. This is just not something people can do when they have memory loss. Her mental state is likely to continue to decline, and she will need more assistance and support as it declines. People with Alzheimers can live with decining health for many years (or not). It's different for everyone who has it. It's not unusual to see people with Alzheimers decline when they move to a facility. I don't blame the facility. I think it comes with the change and also the change of responsibilities, when they are no longer caring for someone. It also happened to my mother. It sounds like it will also be better for your father if he doesn't have to worry about her. He has unreasonable expectations about what she can do for him, and he is not prepared to take on the change in roles of caring for her. You may find that he cannot cope with visiting her often if she moves to memory care. Don't blame him for that. As people get older, they sometimes get more selfish. Accept them both for what they are. All the best to all of you.
BurntCaregiver May 2022
NancyIS,

Everything you're saying is true and it's also the truth about the father having unreasonable expectations about what his wife can still do. He's probably in denial about how advanced her Alzheimer's is too.
He's 80 years old. Men from his generation were normally not caregivers to even their own children. They were family providers.
Men his age did not change their kids' diapers or bathe them or feed them or care for them when they're ill. They were not present when their children were born either. Men that age never saw anything. These old-timers are not going to wash, feed, and change the diapers of their needy invalid wives with dementia. Not going to happen. The resentment the OP's father has for his wife's neediness probably comes from fear. He's afraid of it and he cannot take care of her.
Both of them would be better off if she was in MC. If the AL they live in now has one, they should move her into it.
Grandma1954 May 2022
The facility where they currently live, does it have a memory Care wing? If so mom can be moved to MC and dad can visit when he wants to, could even take her to lunch or dinner and then return her to the MC.
Not only would placing mom in MC improve your dad's quality of life it might actually help mom with more stimulation and activities that they may have in MC that can keep her occupied. Many MC will take residents out on trips, as well as doing activities within the facility.
MamaBearlyThere May 2022
Thank you for your response. Yes, it has a beautiful MC wing. We chose the ALF mostly because of that. We wanted a good place for mom, where dad could visit. We were hoping that all of this would be a long time in the future, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way.
JoAnn29 May 2022
Your Mom may be passed MC. In my opinion, its just a lockdown AL. Also, its going to cost more than they are paying now.

I would check with an elder lawyer about splitting their assets. Moms split would go towards her care and when almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Dad would go towards his care in the AL.

I had a Dad like yours. His responsibility was working Moms was running the house. She paid bills. She waited on him hand and foot.

Is Dad having some cognitive decline because I just can't see him not noticing Mom has problems. He seems self-centered. Looks like ur going to take over.
MJ1929 May 2022
A good MC is nothing like a locked down AL. It is geared specifically to care for people in every stage of memory loss all the way through to end-of-life.

Memory care has activities, but the caregivers don't wait for the residents to show up to them, they bring them to the activities. The activities are also geared toward mental stimulation, and ideally they don't park residents in front of a TV all day. Music therapy is also a huge part of memory care.

AL is more about assisting with ADLs, but memory care is far more than that, and worth every penny IMO. (It was also $3,000 less than the nursing home my mother was in prior to MC.)

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