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Jadee3 Asked May 2022

How do I say no?

I am caring for both of my parents. My father is a dementia patient. My mother has Parkinson’s and would like to travel to visit my brother in South Carolina as my brother is very ill. However, that would mean that my husband would have to stay with my father, and since my mother does not want to leave my father overnight she expects me to fly to South Carolina from New York and fly back on the same day. She’s very adamant about this when I tell her it’s too much to do. I don’t want to disappoint her but I really don’t think I’m up for that kind of a trip. How do I say no?

Grandma1954 May 2022
This is a prefect time to place him in Memory Care for Respite.
He will be safe.
He will be fine for a few days.
Now you can all take the trip to South Carolina. And not have to rush the visit.
If she can not or will not agree to this then tell her the only way that the visit can be done is Virtual
If though you feel the trip is not something you want to do. Or something that is not safe for any reason simply say that it is not possible. NO is a complete answer.

MJ1929 May 2022
This is why Facetime/Zoom/Skype were invented.

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AlvaDeer May 2022
You say no gently, kindly, and with a full stop at the end of the one word sentence. Then you say the few reasons this is no possibly. At this time such a trip is both mentally and physically dangerous for you BOTH.
You add on that you "don't want to disappoint her" but you are not up to such a trip yourself, and feel it would do your Mom possibly harm, and very little good for her beloved brother.
You try to get in a phone or computer call with all those lovely cameras and gadgets everyone has so Mom can communicate with her brother.
I was not with my own brother when he died. I had to negotiate every move from hospital to home to his ALF with hospice, and had to do it all by phone. This was a man I was emotionally attached to by the hip for life, and loved as much as I have ever loved anyone. But that was the facts in the case. To be honestly frank with you, such meetings at the end seldom go the way of movie screnarios. They often leave the survivor with sad visions that are their last, that have serious adjustments to a lifetime of love.
So you do it gently. Don't expect any sort of lovely movie-scene of Mom hugging you and saying "Oh, hon. I understand. Of COURSE we can't do this. I just wish.....but I KNOW you are right. Bless you for making me see the light". It won't happen. Mom rage.Worse, she may weep. That's life, unfortunately. As full of beauty and joy as it can be, it has moments of grief that are more than we can bear.
Help Mom grief when her loss comes. Make a scrapbook of memories. Allow her to voice she wishes she could have been there and tell her you wish you could have done a magic-carpet journey so she could get there. Allow the pain.
"No" is two letters, one word, and it always amazes me that GOOD PEOPLE have more trouble with that one word than with all the other words put together.
My heart goes out to you and to Mom. Let her talk about her beloved brother all she wants; ask her for stories of them. Let her weep. This is worth the grieving.

PeggySue2020 May 2022
Just a observation about plane travel. Things can get screwed up.

When fils mom turned 100, fils family all went to have a party at her al. They had flights and overnight hotel, then the party, then leaving the same day. Flights we’re late, meaning that they were there the same day, exponentially increasing their stress level.

MILs MS has ratcheted up since her cancer treatment. She needs at minimum a walker. She wouldn’t now leave because fil is for now in worse shape than her, but if she wanted to and come back the same day, the logistics are crazy even for people without mobility issues.

TChamp May 2022
Would you obey your mother if she tells you to jump off from a balcony of a high rise building?

Jhalldenton May 2022
I would suggest that you stick to the facts and not get emotional, hostile or defensive and say NO out loud and firmly. If you have to say the same thing 10 times to make it clear to your mother then get your answer ready and say it exactly the same way each and every time. My grandmother once wanted me to bring my brother home to visit for Christmas and I said "No" with the following answer.

Grandmother ____ lives in _____ city and that's a 45 minute drive from where I live to his place. He does not get off work till 6pm and I would have to fight traffic at that time of day. If we left the minute he got off that would mean that we would get home well after midnight. _____ only has Christmas day off and he has to work both Christmas Eve as well as the day after Christmas. That would also mean that we would have to leave Christmas day right after lunch and get back to ______ around 8 or 9pm that night. I am *not* going to do that because that's too much driving, and we would only have about a one to two hour visit with you.

I had to say that 3 times. The second and third time I added "What do you not understand" at the end. She tried to bring it up again and I just looked at her dead in the face and said "Don't bring it up again".

HomelyandBald May 2022
If you can't say "No", try "I am sorry Mom, but what you are asking is not doable."
No explanation, no further discussion.

AnnReid May 2022
“No, Mom, I love you and respect your request, but I’m not able to comply with it”.

Beatty May 2022
Look for alternatives.

"However, that would mean that my husband would have to stay with my father".

No it doesn't. Whatever help your husband offers is up to him.

"and since my mother does not want to leave my father overnight she expects me to fly to South Carolina from New York and fly back on the same day".

She 'expects'. But that is unreasonable.

If you are willing to take Mother for a sensible timeframe, I agree with Barb - respite care for Dad.

I have been asked to take family members to visit others. Long drives (same day request like yours) with poor mobility + incontinent passengers. No. If I am the 'Caregiver' any 'job' needs to be 1. Safe 2. Within my capacity 3. Reasonable.

I certainly understand why your Mother wants to go in person (video calls are just not the same) 😥

But find a better plan.

Mountaingyrl May 2022
If she won't accept an alternative that works for both of you, the only answer is NO. If your brother is very ill and may not see your mother again, I would try and find a solution that works for both of you. Could you find a carer for your Dad so your mother felt more comfortable leaving him overnight?

My mother is immobile and when my dad was dying, my brother put every effort for her to come and see him. I was against it as it was really difficult to get her there. But, I am so glad we did, even if she didn't recognize him and he was basically comatose, it gave us all closure and an opportunity to see them together one final time.

Odaat59 May 2022
The answer is NO. Some people learn how to use that word, without feeling obligated to explain why, and others have no boundaries. What your mom wants us too much, so say no. Let her find someone else to allow her to do what she wants, and do not feel like you have to. I bet mom told you no plenty, raising you. 😉

notgoodenough May 2022
First, a couple of questions: 1) how much care does mom need (in other words, how much of her day-to-day care do YOU provide)?
2) How ill is your brother?

If you provide the bulk of care to mom, and your brother is ill enough that HE needs caregiving, just who does your mom expect to give HER care while she visits him if you were to leave? Even if your brother is able to care for himself, will he be well enough to also take care of mom?

I think sometimes when people are being cared for by others, they seem to forget (ignore/take for granted/etc.) exactly HOW MUCH care they need and are receiving, and the EFFORT that goes into that care. Not to compare to your scenario (which is extremely demanding of your mom, by the way) but when my mom was in hospice, she became fixated on being taken to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. She could barely get up to get herself into the bathroom, but she was convinced she needed her teeth cleaned. When I said to her "mom, just how on Earth do you expect to be able to walk out to the car, walk into the dentist, wait in the waiting room, sit in the chair for the procedure, then walk back out to the car and get back into your apartment?" she just sort of gave me this "huh?" look. She just - I don't know, forgot? because she I can't complain that she took my care for her for granted - it just never entered into her train of consciousness the effort that it would take BOTH of us for her to get her teeth cleaned.

I don't know if it will help your situation to sit down with mom and explain to her - no holds barred! - the time and effort this trip will take on ALL of you - mom, you, dad, husband AND brother/brother's family. At the very least, *maybe* it makes her slightly more aware of the efforts you are undergoing to take care of her AND dad.

It's ok to say no, even if it means disappointing her.

Good luck!

funkygrandma59 May 2022
You must first remember that NO is a complete sentence. PERIOD.
What your mom is expecting of you is ridiculous and not feasible. You either put them both in respite care so you can go and enjoy your time with your brother and not feel rushed, or put at least one of them in.
You mustn't let your mother tell you what you should or should not be doing. You're a grown a-- woman for Pete's sake. She'll get over any disappointment she may have.
So just say NO.

BarbBrooklyn May 2022
You tell your mom that you cannot possibly do that.

Dad should go to respite care for a week so that mom can get a break.

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