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adbonilla Asked April 2022

Trying to balance everything, take care of myself, and not feel guilty. Any advice?

Mom (just turned 92) took a spill in January - didn't break anything, but injury/pain required hospitalization. Prior to this, she was in her own place - with me providing all groceries, meals (for her to nuke), transportation, etc. It's been a slow spiral downwards since. She was in rehab - back in hospital - back in rehab - and is no longer able to be on her own and needs assistance for daily activities. Decision was to transition from rehab to skilled nursing (same place, they are great and it was smooth transition.) Siblings don't live in area - it's just me. Things are "stable" at this point. Her mental status is good most times - prior to this period, her mental faculties were about 100% but, since being in hospital, facility she has some days where there is some confusion (I guess this is natural.) Long story short, I'm (very slowly) working through the (expected) guilt of this transition period. Now - my husband wants me to self-care and wants us to take a short break - trip out of town for a week (I work full time.) I am now having a hard time feeling okay about the trip. Like I'm abandoning mom. Ugh... Meanwhile, the sibs that don't live in town are just going on with their lives without any of the guilt -- or caregiver/poc responsibilities.

MeDolly Apr 2022
Fine line here and you are the pivotal point, your husband is only asking for what he is entitled to, your time.

Many times caretakers get so involved that they lose themselves and thus their family members pay the price.

Your mother is safe, she is cared for, you and your husband are entitled to a life without your mother. If something happens let your siblings handle it, maybe it's time for them to step up.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion most of the time it is the result of fear, it is a trap that can ruin ones life.

Don't give up your life and happiness for another, take care of you, your husband and any children, they should always come first.

Enjoy your vacation.
adbonilla Apr 2022
Thank you SO much! I sincerely appreciate the wise words.
southiebella Apr 2022
I've been where you are and I made the wrong decision. You see, my son won a post-graduate scholarship to study and work in France in 2018/2019. My only sibling was still alive but disconnected with her care and she had a part-time daily sitter. I told my son when he left that I would plan a trip to visit him and see Paris.

Of course, I was feeling guilty and wondering how I could leave my mother with my self-absorbed and unwilling sibling or with her sitter and expect her to be properly cared for. So in the end, I didn't go visit my son.

I will forever regret not going. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick.

I'm still here today chained to my mother at home and know now that she would have been just fine and my sibling could have managed. Or I could have hired someone to give live-in care for a week.

Don't do what I did. If you want to go, then go and enjoy yourself.

My advice? Give the nurses the contact for your siblings and enjoy your vacation.

Peace.
adbonilla Apr 2022
Oh... :-( I am so sorry and I am listening. I already have a batch of these types of memories myself - for when my mom was healthy(!) I was already being guilt-tripped by her on levels I am just starting to "see" and work through. Thus, this recent situation really was serving to refresh some already existing guilt wounds. I'm stilling kicking myself on staying home on trips my husband has taken without me. I think if those hadn't happened yet, and my head was not already better screwed on than it used to be, I would have probably already, quickly put the kibosh on this trip. I have a little more sense of self-preservation than I used to - and agreed to it - but, I can't stop my thoughts veering into those well-established ruts of self-doubt... sigh. I thank you very much!!!!! I hope that you find a way to go and do something that will help you to be able to release that regret. Peace to you, too!

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Grandma1954 Apr 2022
It sounds like you have been enabling mom to live on her own for a while.
Getting groceries, making meals, I am going to assume the "etc." included other chores around the house as well.
Saying prior to the fall her "mental faculties were "about" 100%" is like saying you are a little bit pregnant or a little bit lost. You are or you aren't.
You have noticed a decline since being in the hospital. That is common. But you may also be realizing how not 100% she is.
Your mom is in Long Term Care. You are not abandoning her.
Your mom is safe
Your mom is being cared for.
You deserve a bit of time to yourself.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Your husband is right. Get a way for a bit. come back relaxed.
adbonilla Apr 2022
Thank you so much. As I can tell you well know, while we can understand this intellectually, it takes longer to "feel" it. I appreciate you taking the time and for the words of encouragement.
Upstream Apr 2022
I say take your break and enjoy your husband. I run a small business and typically work 6 days a week with no holidays/paid vacations, etc. I am also an only child. My dad had to go into memory care ALF a few weeks after I turned 50, and he stayed there for 3 years. I visited every Sunday and also was responsible for checking in on my mom almost daily as she was still living in her own home nearby. Dad died in 2019.

My stress level was ridiculous, affecting my marriage and my health. One night I had a meltdown on the living room floor shouting "I have NO wiggle room in my life" when my husband floated the idea of something fun. Our relationship seemed to struggle for about 2 years after that incident. I ended up having to see a therapist for a while. Honestly I am still decompressing from being on-point & on-call continually for years.

I have mom in assisted living now. I soooo cherish my Sunday mornings these days. I just turned 55. Self-care is becoming more necessary each month that goes by and I don't take my time for granted. I have a friend who is 58, was diagnosed with aggressive cancer 6-8 weeks ago, and now can no longer take care of herself and may have to go into a nursing home. She and her husband stayed-put while her elderly (85+) mother was living with her several years ago - the mother outlived the husband. Parents don't have the right to steal their children's lives, security & hope. They just don't. We each get one life.
adbonilla Apr 2022
Much, much of what you say so resonates with me. At times I feel I am trying to "good daughter," "the good wife," the "good friend," .... and realize I'm not being good to me. I am so good at telling other people to take care of themselves, use the airplane rule ("give yourself oxygen first in order to take care of someone else"). But, don't put it in practice for myself. Sometimes I would think that my husband was being selfish, not understanding what I have on my shoulders. But, I realize that that was simply not true. He is totally supportive of me and understanding. He is trying to look out for ME and my best interests. I am 60 and he's 61. We have no guarantees of anything, how long we'll be well, be able to do the things we enjoy doing. You are spot on re: parents not having right to steal their children's lives. Especially wrong is when the parent seems to decide which of their children they choose to steal it from, while leaving the others with theirs. While I don't choose nor want to live in state of resentment towards my siblings (age old story of one kid staying local while others moved away) but, hard not to feel it sometimes - such as now while planning a "mental/physical health" vacation and feeling "guilt" while that is simply not in my siblings' lexicon. Their lives have been impacted zero throughout this. and, they don't have to feel any of this confliction when making their daily life choices. I am glad that you have been able to work through this/are working through and are able to enjoy your visits with your mom. I pray to get to that place, too. Thank you so much for taking the time - it's very appreciated.
AlvaDeer Apr 2022
Now, while your Mom is in care, is the time for this trip. You will be very busy arranging care when Mom is discharged.
Now is also the time for you and hubby to get away and discuss how the future will be managed. Will Mom go into care (I recommend) or to your own home. You need time together to discuss this whether on a trip or at home.
Now is also the time to discuss discharge planning with the facility. It sounds as though Mom cannot return to independent living. Time to discuss.
I don't know how long Mom will remain in rehab. Discuss with their discharge planner how close by phone you can remain to discuss this issues (often the Social Worker in charge of Mom's case).
Whether you leave now or not is not really the point if this is only a week in time, not too far away, and with good contact with facility. What IS important is that you and hubby discuss next moves. As you say, this is all on you. You have tough decisions coming. I wish you the very best. Whether you leave or not your hubby needs to understand that THIS is currently where your brain is, and THIS is where it SHOULD be at the moment.
You also need to understand now at the get-go that you are using the WRONG G-word. Guilt? Are you a felon? Did you push Mom down the stairs alla Richard Widmark? No. Your G-word coming is GRIEF. Embrace it. Refusing to recognize the pain and tears coming for you ALL is not going to help. This is worth mourning, and mourning, unless you have a magic wand, is what is coming. There are changes that will occur that are inevitable and are a result of our human limitations, not a result of our evil-doing.
I wish you the best.
adbonilla Apr 2022
You hit the nail right on the head. That is so true. It feels like grief, to be sure. It is grief. It's feeling out of control (that's only an illusion anyway, yes?) and like there's something I could do to change the course of things. I can't. That is exactly it. Thank you! Thank you for the tears that sprang to my eyes with the word "grief" and thank you for the smile/chuckle you gave me re: Richard Widmark comment. :-) I needed that laugh.
LoopyLoo Apr 2022
Your mother is being looked after. Going out of town is not “abandoning” her.

Madisoncuckoo7 Apr 2022
I just have to say that I read the title of your post and thought, “ That would make a great large-lettered T-shirt!!” I bet a lot of us could wear that..

No precise advice but I do hope you can take a break with your husband! Sending blessings…
adbonilla Apr 2022
:-) LOL! Thank you!
Reb777 Apr 2022
I'm 71 , have been taking care of both parents (96 & 90) for 5 yrs now. I live 3.5 hours away. Go every Sunday - Thursday to care for them. In Feb. Placed Dad in memory care facility. Mom is staying home and gets along fine. Some relief in Dad being in facility where he gets care that is needed. I'm retired, but do consulting work and this helps me keep my mind off of issues.
I take 3 day mini vacations every 2 months. I make arrangements for my cousin to visit mom every day I am not there (I pay her nicely) and it works.
NOW, the Guilt....yes, I went thru that, but after doing it a few times it is alot easier now. I know my limits and I recharged my mental and physical mind/ body and when I went back I was feeling great. I talk to my Mom 2 times a day when I am not with her. During my mini vacations I call once. My cousin is wonderful and that helps tremendously because I know Mom is being cared for. Mom is ok to sleep alone, cleans house , cooks for self still. When I'm there I do yard, mop floors, Dr. Appt., finances, shopping, medications, visit Dad, etc.
Very important to take mini vacations or weekly days off. If not, you will end up with physical issues or resentment and that is not good. I have no siblings, my wife supports me by keeping our home and property up. She comes with me at times and does property upkeep.
My Mom encourages Breaks and I'm luck she supports this. She tells me all the time that they are sorry that they are a "burden to me", I always say " you are my parents and I love you and you both are my Blessings not burdens". At my age, I still have both parents and that in it's self is Wonderful. I am the luck one.
Take the vacation (s) they will help your husband and you feel kind of normal again. You deserve TIME FOR YOU! Remember, the time you take is WELL DESERVED. Take a break, get emotionally and physically recharged and enjoy!
adbonilla Apr 2022
Thank you! As my father approached his end of life, he was very appreciative of what I could do for him and was always happy that I was living a good life (that I had love and health, etc. in my life.) My mom has just never been that person. Her family is my dysfunctional side and these folks just find it difficult to be happy and appreciative. Lots of narcissism, yes. You are very, very fortunate to still have your parents and to be able to share such a wonderful relationship and bond. When doing for my mom over the years, I felt like you - I am happy to be able to provide care, assistance, etc. as a daughter because I had two, loving parents. But, over the time, what I do for my mom has become the 'standard' of living for my mom (in other words, she doesn't seem to appreciate it as much as seeing it as her due) and I began to start to feel a lot of resentment. I don't harbor any negativity because we're all only human and do the best we are able. It's hard to really see oneself. But, at the same time, I've had to learn how to create my own boundaries. Work in progress. I thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It is extremely helpful to know that there are others out there that understand. Thanks!
ArtistDaughter Apr 2022
Is your mom to stay in skilled nursing for a long while or will she go back home with home care or to assisted living? Are the transitions over? I would think your husband might try to understand that you want to watch over Mom for a bit longer, but good for Mom for coming through all this with only a little confusion. Self care involves what you will feel comfortable doing as well as caring for Mom. What about just a weekend off with your husband and a trip later on? Forget about sibs going on with their lives. The only way anyone has any idea of what all this caregiving is about is to do it.
adbonilla Apr 2022
Yes, she is in a skilled nursing facility. The rehab also had that and they had bed open when her covered days for rehab ended. In a perfect world ... it would be great if she could be at home (who wouldn't want to be at home, after all?.....) But, she's like a Timex watch: "takes a lickin' but keeps on tickin'") So, it's not inconceivable that she could return home. Issue is with staffing shortages, it would difficult to approximate the care she's getting in nursing. And, as she is a bit beyond assisted living now - I'm told she would need "enhanced" assisted living. It's a balancing act for sure. Thank you!
Llamalover47 Apr 2022
adbonilla: It is advisable for you to take this trip since respite is important for your well being.

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