…and it is.
We planned and paid for a sunny vacation three years ago, pre-Covid. We post-poned (only option, cancel = forfeit money) each year until this year when we are finally able to go. MIL has decided she doesn’t feel well the day were supposed to leave—today. Husband is running around with his head cut off trying to accommodate her not feeling well (immediate care, ER?).
I am feeling very conflicted, and a little resentful. I am conflicted because it’s possible that something could happen to her and I would feel eternally guilty. I am feeling resentful because this has happened a couple of times in the past. Deja vu…
DH overestimates MIL’s capabilities and his plan is “hope”. I believe he is living in the past. And yes, I hear a wise man I once worked for saying, “hope is not a plan.”
Feeling frustrated, panicked, resentful…
18 Answers
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There was one occasion where we went away for one weekend. A family member was supposed to hang out, have a snack, keep elder company, etc. We did nothing but field phone calls all weekend because no one could handle it that we were not "there" in town and at the ready. For the record, we were approx 80 miles away - not exactly halfway around the world for heaven's sake.
There was another time, when it may have been as simple as being out for an evening (I don't fully remember anymore), but a family member was supposed to keep elder occupied during that time. The family member called 911 and had them come pick elder up. To be fair, elder faked symptoms (no doubt) but the family member did not hesitate. And then it fell to us to sort it all out.
As a result, even though our LO is now in a facility, we have taken a few vacations since then where we didn't tell a soul we were leaving town. Hmmm.... no issues. No chest pain. No nonspecific "numbness." No falls. No mysterious sicknesses (where a reputable hospital can find nothing wrong). No panicked phone calls about what will elder do if we are killed in an accident. No distress about whether their can opener will operate properly while we're gone such that elder will not starve while we are presumably partying.
We were reachable via cell phone - just as we would be if we were in town. Worse comes to worse - email. Worse comes to worse comes to worse, there is a secondary contact who can be called - even though he is not reliable, he is better than no one and it's only a small chance anyone would ever try to need this particular individual as he is abrasive and generally difficult....
Keep elders' anxiety to a minimum whenever possible. Even if you have to tell a therapeutic "fib" about your vacation and where you will actually be, etc. I know your LO is in more of an apartment-style living situation right now, so if my suggestion is not completely pertinent now... maybe it will be at some point.
:)
very effective/good strategy :)
“We have had to resort to literally not telling anyone we are going on vacation. If we don't tell, then nothing happens.”
When my folks lived in Assisted Living, and my DH & I wanted to travel, we also purchased travel insurance just in case one or both of them had an issue. We did have to cancel a trip to China & Tibet once in 2014 which was scheduled to happen shortly after dad fell & broke his hip. I got a full refund for the trip, minus the cost of the insurance. Having elders to care for means your vacations ARE subject to change, unfortunately.
I hope your MIL is ok and that you're able to go on your trip. In the future, don't rely on hope; purchase trip insurance!
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Then go on your vacation. Elders pull this crap all the time when their family members have something planned that doesn't include them.
Get homecare set up and GO!
Talk to the AL facility about additional respite care, if they provide any. Many AL/NH facilities provide it (for an additional cost, which MIL should cover). If not, then perhaps call in outside aides to help; or find another facility that offers respite care that MIL can go to temporarily while you guys are gone. But do your research way ahead of time; we had to jump through a lot of hoops to get my mom into respite when we went away for our 25th anniversary. You don't want to be running around trying to get all of your paperwork ducks in a row a day before you're scheduled to get on that plane for your trip.
Whether your MIL is doing this "on purpose" out of spite that you're leaving, or she is genuinely becoming apprehensive about not having you and DH around as a "just in case" is really immaterial at this point in time; what you have to deal with now is finding a solution that makes it possible for the 2 of you to be able to go on your trips without all of this drama right before. Because it is casting a pall on both your relationship with your DH and with her. And without regular breaks from caregiving, that feeling will begin to creep in on all aspects of your life until you're ready to walk away from everything.
Finally I agreed to try some prescription calming meds that my primary physician suggested. It was a trial and error time to find the med that worked the best. Bravo, found one. Now sig-other can go on his visits and I can care less when he will return :P
I also know how you feel. I was very resentful as my folks had a wonderful retirement with a lot of travel, etc. I never got to experience that in my retirement years as I was busy helping them. Mom refused strangers.