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peggykimber44 Asked March 2022

I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of her will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?

My son has become a totally different person towards me in the last 4 years. His friends share that personality change about him with me as well. No love or caring that we once shared. I don’t know why, he won’t talk. His girlfriend doesn’t even speak to me, which is very upsetting and cold. My son and my granddaughter’s mom are not married.


 


I have cancer, and not once have either asked or shown concern for my health. It’s really upsetting. My closest friends who have known my son since he was a child can’t believe how he treats me.


 


I own my home, which is a duplex. This situation started when my son started to hate his job in Santa Barbara and complained constantly for two years. He had a great paying job there for about 11 years.


 


We came to an agreement because of the distress with his job and the baby, that they could move into my duplex with a reduced rent rate ($600) until they got on their feet again, He took a year off to play with his baby, then both started working after that year. I babysat for free for a solid year, 12 to 16 hours a day.


 


It has been 3 years now, and I can’t afford to keep all this up. I am going broke and I am extremely tired.


 


Every time I try to speak to my son about raising the rent, he grabs my granddaughter and says fine, we’ll move and you’ll never see the baby again.


 


He’s upset me so many times and with my would be daughter-in-law not speaking to me, the only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by.


 


It’s gotten so bad, that I don’t want to give my son anything when I die. I’d like to set up a trust or something to give to my granddaughter, but she is only 4 years old. How do I even know how she will be when she gets older. Will they turn her against me as well?


 


I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of my will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?

lealonnie1 Mar 2022
What a terrible situation your son & his g/f have put you in! I think I would sell the duplex and let the moocher know that you simply can't afford to house him anymore, nor has he allowed you to talk to him rationally, so OUT you go.

Holding the grandchild over your head as a threat for not wanting to pay a higher rent while YOU are going broke is unspeakable. If you sell the place, then he has NO other choice but to move along and go find other housing where he will be charged REAL rental rates. Hopefully, you will make a lot of profit off the sale of the duplex and be able to move to senior Independent Living and start a whole new life. If nasty son withholds your grandchild from you, you can't change his decision on that matter. I hope he doesn't do that, b/c it would be hurtful to ALL of you, including HIM, in the long run.

If you don't want to sell, have them evicted legally. Your son & his gf have ALREADY ruined the relationship, so all you're doing is trying to get them out of there so you can stop the bleeding on your finances.


Go see a Certified Elder Care Attorney about drawing up your will and leaving your money to whomever you want to leave it to. Maybe you can set up a college fund ONLY for your granddaughter, and leave the rest to the Dumb Friends League or something. Get advice, also, about serving your son with a legal eviction notice, etc. It's sad that things should come down to this, huh? Maybe he's having a mid-life crisis or taking drugs? Or else the almighty dollar has ruined HIM as it has so many other people. When it comes to money, people can be ruthless, it seems to me.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate
JMWhitten Mar 2022
I don't know if I would sell the duplex? That's a great income property. But, I would get an attorney and proceed to pursue an actual fair market rental agreement. I would leave it to the son to decide to either agree to pay more in rent or get out.
ACaringDaughter Mar 2022
Get them out. Your home should be your sanctuary.

As for the estate, I understand your position from a different viewpoint and fully support your decisions, whatever they may be.

I was Executor and Trustee for my parents’ estates. They made the (initially) painful decision to cut several of their children out of their estates.

My parents were wonderful people. These siblings created contentious relationships with and were terrible to my parents for their own different reasons. They always expected an equal share of my parents’ estates with no repercussions for their bad acts.

As my parents became older and grew less healthy, the treatment got progressively worse. (It was horrendous). They didn’t want my parents to have access to comforts of living or the best medical care because that could diminish the value of their future inheritance.

When my parents died and they learned they had been excluded, they vigorously sued me, as my parents’ legal representative.

I believe my parents made the ABSOLUTE right choice. If I didn’t understand the ugliness of my siblings at that time my parents made these choices, I learned to! They certainly transformed into serpents and Medusas when they didn’t get what they wanted and they came after me. I defended everything in court for my parents and prevailed after a number of years.

The truth is your money and things are just “stuff.” They are important to you and will be appreciated wherever they are given, but it is your stuff and you can give it wherever you choose and for whatever reason you want, justified by others or not!

Get a great lawyer in a well respected law firm. Give your estate to whomever you wish, charity, friends… your pick. Make sure that a doctor that has treated you and knows you well examines you for mental capacity concurrent with the changes to your will (because this is a common legal attack on estates even if you have always been mentally sound). Tell the doctor that this is why you are making the appointment. Create extra supplemental evidence (such as a video, that you create on your own phone yourself, explaining your choices. - this video will also support that you are of sound mind - make sure your lawyer and your future executor have a copy).

Once everything is signed, rest easy! Do not feel guilty. It is your stuff. He has no birthright to it!

This was my parents’ last lesson to their ungrateful kids and a positive lesson to the world and their community.

Know that you are not alone!

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Grandma1954 Mar 2022
I am going to take the Will part first.
Skip your son. Have your Estate Planner or whoever is doing the Will place money in a TRUST for your granddaughter. It should be accessible to her when she reaches the age of _______. You pick the age it could be 18, or when she enters college, it could be 21 so it can be used when she is done with school, it could be when she reaches the age of 30. YOU pick the age.
Doing this he really can not contest the Will.

Now for the Duplex.
Get a FORMAL, LEGAL rental agreement.
Charge FAIR rent for the space they are renting.
You owe them no explanation. This is a BUSINESS agreement.
If he wants or needs a reduction in rent he can do work around the home. Both his rental and your residence and you can pay him by reducing the rent for that month. (If you get an estimate on fixing a fence and it is $1000. and his rent is $1500 for the month he would pay you $500. You and he sign a statement that work was done and payment for that month is satisfied)
If renting for FAIR rent is not something he wants to do or can do then give them notice and you can put the place up for rent. If they refuse to move out then you will have to go the Eviction route and that may take a while.

JoAnn29 Mar 2022
Seems to me you have a entitled son. COVID restrictions are being lifted concerning eviction. Its time to stand up for yourself and teach your son about life. Once he got a job (and she should be working too) he should have been paying utilities and rent. He will have to when he goes out into the real world. This will not get better. You could be bringing in more income renting the place to someone else.

Get a lease made up by a lawyer stating what the rent will be and the cost of utilities. (If ur on one meter average the cost) Make the lease a month by month. Send it to son certified mail with a letter to the effect you no longer can carry him that he needs to pay you a fair rent and utilities. Call his bluff. Look around at rentals to get an idea what he would need to pay if he left then charge him lower, but enough to offset ur costs. Tell him if he does not pay the rent, he will need to leave or you will evict. When he finds that what your asking is much lower than he would pay leaving, he probably will stay. He needs u more than you need him.

Since you have been charging him a minimum rent, u may want to ask the lawyer how much you can raise it. Some states have where u can only increase a certain percentage a year. If he cries poor, tell him to put GF to work if she isn't already. If u can, offer to babysit as long as they live there. (A little minipulation on ur part)

You are doing you son no favors. Our world is not getting better. Your son and his GF (she is not ur DIL) need to grow up because I see lots if challenges for my kids and grands in the next years. Don't let them manipulate you. Yes he will get mad, let him. He will find out what it means to be on ur own. We seem to be the only species who finds it hard to push their offspring out of the nest.

You deserve respect and I would not do another thing for your son until you get it. I know times have changed but he is living off you, had a child and has not married the mother of this child. HE has responsibilities.

You cannot blame your granddaughter for how things go with her parents. If you want to set up a trust for her, do it. Leaving your son anything, see how it goes when you set boundries. But if you write him out of the Will, say why so he can't contest it.

SouthernSun Mar 2022
Unfortunately, you can't resolve a problem when your son refuses to communicate. Most likely the girlfriend is at the base of their (real or imagined) problem. Its classic "resent his mother" competition. My husband 's former wife was needy, insecure and resented his affection for his mother, to the point that he didn't visit her in her last days to appease the ex's jealousy, calling him a "mother's boy." Your son is an adult, and tough as it will be, please separate your maternal instincts from the situation you have. Your kindness has been taken advantage of, and is being exploited by their attitude of entitlement, their resentment of being charged rent at all. Who takes off a year to "play" with a new child when there are bills to pay and food needed on the table? Its someone whose mother made it possible, without receiving gratitude. As the son and girlfriend have terminated your relationship, its time for him to grow up in the real world. You are facing your own mortality and deserve to live your life as you wish, without constant reminder of rejection. They reside too close for that to happen. Inheritance is a gift, not a right. Your son's defiance and animosity certainly eliminates him. Take a stance to protect yourself. Its your property. If you can't bring yourself to present a rent increase, enlist the aid of a real estate management company to handle the property. With your health, it will be one thing you don't have to worry about. Your ungrateful son can relocate if he doesn't want to pay a fair rental rate set by the agency. Consider selling the whole duplex and relocate. You will need the funds as your condition changes. Consult an estate lawyer to update your will. Have it worded to prevent your son's ability to contest it. Have a trusted friend for your POA. That your son threatened to cut off your contact with the child is disgraceful, but I guarantee you it will happen again. If he and the girlfriend break up, (most likely) it is certain you will not see the child. I understand your anguish over a beloved son who, without explanation, cut you out of his life while taking your grandchild with him. You're ill and your son is not displaying concern or compassion. Stop wasting your precious time with self doubt and trying to figure out what caused the break. You can't change your son or what influences he follows. Please take control of your future and live out your remaining time in comfort, not worrying about leaving anything to anyone. Surround yourself with those who care about, and will care for you. You deserve it.

AlvaDeer Mar 2022
Well, as to eviction, firstly, are you in rent controlled area? If so, and you made a lease with your son you are well and truly up the S---'s creek. Right now where I live you not only cannot evict (Covid-stuff just extended again to end June) and you can't get people out of your place once in PERIOD, let alone raise rent very much at all. San Francisco very tenant-friendly city. I hope you didn't have an inkling of the turn your son would make before you let him in, because I would think you are well and truly stuck.
I very much agree with not leaving money to people not mature enough (clearly he isn't ) to deal with it. You could A)leave it in trust with an appointed Successor Trustee (you are Trustee until you die or fail) to dole out a certain amount over his life, then be given to daughter. That amount depends on how much you are leaving in assets. You could direct your real property be sold, managed in trust by your fiduciary or attorney, and doled out enough to keep him alive, but not to let him blow it all.
OR you could leave it to the granddaughter when she comes of age. If that is 18 she will likely blow it fast, too, OR may go to college, and you can stipulate the uses and amounts yearly in HER trust as well.
I would not have a problem doing this. There is no reason your son should ever be told his, as well. You want to be certain not to appoint him as POA or anything else, or as successor trustee at all. Get a hired Fiduciary, attorney for yourself as POA and for your Trust.
I don't know how much you are leaving. But this would protect your son should he need support in future. It COULD also burden him. Say he were disabled? He could not easily get medicaid for himself and his insurance if he has an income via inheritance of say 30,000 a year or some such.
Not an easy question. Myself, I would make it a Trust and have it gathered into monetary investments and given to granddaughter at age 30. She would be mature then. Could pay off college loans if she had them. Meanwhile that money would grow quite a lot.
Just some things to think about.
It's your money. You could leave it to a cat shelter if you wanted to.
Peggy Sue makes a good point about "what if there are other children" who are issue of your son. Would you want to make it a division of assets to his children at some age? Again, much depends on the amounts you are talking about. If you are talking over a million I would just suggest you consult your Trust and Estate attorney for good options. They have done them all!
PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
Alva, she lives in Orange County, which isn’t rent controlled. Plus this is a senior in need who clearly can’t trust these two if her cancer needs include chemo. The grandchild is not her child nor any future offspring they have without taking any responsibility.
Isabelsdaughter Mar 2022
There is a chance that they will turn her against you and he will get the money anyway. You never know. You clould leave all your money to charity, then you know you will be helping people. Or. leave your son and granddaughter a portion and the rest to charity whatever you want.

Cazza11 Mar 2022
You need to be honest with your children and explain why you need to put the rent up. Also remind him that the more family your grandchild has the better and to throw a hissy fit every time you want to discuss financial matters is not very mature.

Show proof get the monthly bills- heating etc. and prove the need to raise the rent.

Ask him why he treats you poorly, you only ever have one family time for the truth to be out.There are always two sides to every story.

Mjustice98 Mar 2022
How your granddaughter will be when she’s older? Is this a contest or competition who is the nicest to you?

My Mother disinherited the entire family and left everything to my daughter bc she says my daughter called her once when no one else did.

My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and has borderline personality and lives with my quadriplegic 46 year old sister. They both are compulsive hoarders and spenders and blame everyone else for what they do. There will be nothing left when they die, more then likely they’ll be homeless but now they have alienated my daughter and that was by design. That’s also what my grandmother did, pick and choose favorites but the truth was they were emotionally broken.

When I hear folks using their money to control or manipulate their family it’s just maddening. No one cares or wants my mothers money, we’d all be happy with some peace and quiet. We are not a significant other that has to constantly call her at a certain time to prove we care, we are all exhausted and over it.

I relocated 3 hours to help them both just to see my mother uses and manipulates people in the most ruthless way, nothing she said was the truth. Not a Christian bone in her body even tho she quotes scripture all day.
BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Amen to that, Mjustice98. You speak the gospel, my friend.
BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Peggykimber44,

There are a good many posts on this forum exactly like yours.
You say that your closest friends can't believe how he treats you, and that is probably true. But what I think, and I'm rarely wrong about such things, is they never saw the gaslighting that you almost certainly have practiced on him for a very long time.
Yes, you gave your son a reduced rent. You babysat for your granddaughter. How much did you lord this over your son? Judging by what you've said here, my guess is a lot.
Just the fact that you felt the need to make sure everyone here on this forum and there are readers from all over the world, know that your son and his child's mother aren't married is a pretty good indicator to me of exactly the kind of person and parent you are.
You want to know what you should do? Well, I'll tell you then.
Go sit down with your son. Let him talk. YOU listen. Then no more talk about cutting him out of your will and trust. No more lording it over him how much you do for him and his family. Stop playing the victim too. Try showing your son a little bit of respect and stop cutting him down with all you do for him and let him have some self-respect. You do this and I guarantee you will see a great change in your son and a tremendous improvement in your relationship with him, his lady, and your grandchild.
LisaSF Mar 2022
This is harsh and unwarranted. Who are you to judge her based on a post? Yes, there is a lot going on with her situation, but just as you and others have posted for advice and sometimes to vent, she has the right to do the same.
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