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M
mgmbaker Asked March 2022

How do you stop self-defeating behavior?

Short version of my problem: My mom has two phones in her AL room - her cell phone and a landline. She can't seem to remember to plug in her cell phone, or to turn it on. And she unplugs the landline - as in, takes the phone line out of the back of the phone AND out of the wall and then gets rid of the line itself. She insists she isn't doing this, but "somebody" is, and I've questioned the staff and management at the AL and they don't know how it is happening. This is a problem because I can never reach my mother by phone unless I call the ALF and ask them to either convey a message or get her to come to their phone. Because I don't want to impose on their busy days just so I can say hi to Mom, I don't call the ALF unless I haven't been able to reach her for a few days.


 


Mom suffers from dementia and the rest of us suffer from Mom's narcissism. I can't tell if this phone issue is because her dementia prevents her from being able to manage a phone (meaning I need to be more patient and cut her some slack) or if her narcissism is causing her to sabotage her phone so that I come see her instead of calling her (meaning I should hold my boundaries with her). The whole bit with unplugging the phone from both ends and disposing of the wire seems a little too organized for dementia brain, but I acknowledge I have long history with her NPD self that makes me a little jaded.


 


I guess it wouldn't bother me so much except that when I do finally get to talk to her, she goes on about how she hasn't heard from me in so long, how she worries about me when she doesn't hear from me, even when it has only been a day or two since I last saw or talked to her. I want to say "well if you would leave your #$@# phone alone, you would get my calls."


 


I know she would like to see me more, but I have a full-time job and Hubs and I are building a house ourselves. As it is, I see her usually one evening a week or if she has appointments I see her during the day one day a week, then I see her for a half day on Saturday and a half day on Sunday. I'd be happy to take her along with me as I run errands and so forth, but as soon as I get her out, she gets bored if our outing isn't all about her and doing errands becomes something akin to trying to grocery shop with six toddlers. And frankly, I don't want to see her more - I love her because she is my mom but I don't much like her because she is a rotten person. I see to her affairs because I am the only family she has and because my dad and my step-dad would want me to take care of her and I have big love and respect for both those men.


 


So - thoughts? How would you interpret the phone problem? Manipulation or inability? And any suggestions for "fixing" it would be helpful. I'm down to duct-taping the plugs into the phone and the wall, but I envision her sitting and worrying it to death until she gets it free.


 


Color me - hmmm - what color IS frustrated?

Clairesmum Mar 2022
I dunno. She has you dancing to her tune....still. Maybe just visit a couple of times a week, take her out for a cup of coffee and an errand for her..and then back to facility. You're working much harder than she is at maintaining this relationship....you probably already know that. Take care of your own self, first. Your mom doesn't sound like she will ever be contented.
bundleofjoy Mar 2022
i find your message very useful!! :)

"She has you dancing to her tune....still."

i'll try to be careful too, and make sure i'm not dancing to anyone's tune.

...wait, i gotta go. what's that music i hear?...
;)
mgmbaker Mar 2022
So I called the ALF day before yesterday (the day I posted this) and got my mom to the phone so I could arrange to go pick her up and take her to dinner, where I planned to discuss the phone situation. When she came to the phone she was clearly in a "poor pitiful me" state of mind and when I asked her what she was doing she said "I gave up on you coming so I got ready for bed". The conversation devolved to her trying to lay a guilt trip on me for continuing to work rather than seeing to her every need. I wound up hanging up on her, telling her I would call her in a few days. Bleh. I hate ending things like that, but I also don't submit to her abuse any longer. In the course of the brief conversation, she accidentally admitted to unplugging the phone on purpose, so now I know that anyway.

She called me yesterday to ask me why I had called the day before. I told her and she again tried to guilt me for working when she needed me, but I told her I couldn't know she needed me for anything between visits unless she called me, to which she told me I wouldn't give her my number (ummm...she just called me?).

The problem I described originally is only the latest iteration of the phone problem. She has lost several cordless handsets and some of the bases that go with them. I'm going to try to find a phone for her landline that doesn't have a removable cord, but I can't do anything about the other end of the cord - the ALF is brand new and doesn't have the rooms wired for traditional phones, but rather requires that the resident buy a box through their cell phone provider to tie into their call button system and also connect to their room phone. I've decided I'm just going to tell her that I won't call her unless I can reach her on one of the two phones in her room and I won't accept calls from the ALF line - I can instruct their staff to text me before calling and they will do that. Since I now know she is unplugging the phone deliberately, I can insist on this arrangement without worrying whether she doesn't realize what she is doing.

Meanwhile, I've contacted her doctor to see about getting a mild mood stabilizer to settle her anxiety and agitation and a psych referral to perhaps get some coping tools for her dementia.

There's always one more thing, isn't there?
bundleofjoy Mar 2022
i wish you well!!
:)
and your mother!!

some mothers (abusers/narcs) are very difficult.

you mentioned your mother unplugging the phone on purpose.

i have a friend who has a mean/abusive mother (no dementia): yelling, abusive. intentionally unplugs the phone too, in her house. sabotages various efforts, which then take up triple the amount of time.

my friend left. quit helping.

i hope all goes well with you, and your mother!!

hug!! :)

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AinSeattle Mar 2022
Buy a phone with non-removable wiring. Then there is a wall plate that the wiring goes through a hole and plugs into the coupler on the back side leaving both ends secure. She can't unplug what isn't accessible.

JoAnn29 Mar 2022
I like "Doing my best" response. Moms doing it on purpose trying to get you to come more and yes a Dementia mind can be that devious. Its like a child who wants a new truck and you say "you have enough trucks" So he breaks all his trucks thinking you will buy him a new one. The Dementia brain is weird.

I do think this phone thing is calculated. But no matter, don't play into it. If she doesn't use the cell I would not pay for it. The landline is another thing. I have a landline phone (wall model with a phone cord) it has a cordless associated with it. The wall phone is the base. The cordless base is just the charging station. I think it last 1 week on a battery charge. Have not bought a new phone in years, I guess you can tell. I just looked up cordless landlines and they all seem to have a base that needs plugging in. I do see one "Ooma Telo" that looks like it works with WiFi.

If you can find a way to put the Cordless base out of site, then give her the one with the charging station. If she unplugs it you can plug in when ur there. The phone will charge and be good for another week.

Geaton777 Mar 2022
If she has dementia and short term memory impairment you will exhaust yourself trying to "make" her do anything or remember to do many things. Adjust your expectations and maybe consider superglueing the plug into the back of the phone, and duct taping the power plug at the outlet putting a large sign over it saying to not unplug it or there will be a fine (or something that may stop her cold). The sign can be addressed to her specifically so she can't think it's meant for anyone else. You can add your name to it, so she recognizes who is giving her this message. She still will have to remember to put the phone back in the dock. Make sure your name comes up in the caller ID. Dementia produces some very weird behaviors. I would err on the side of mercy and consider it her disease and not narcissism. Good luck!

DoingMyBest73 Mar 2022
First of all — I relate. I think, even with dementia patients, you can help them see consequences. If you think about it, she's already seeing (positive) consequences to her behavior — if she messes with the phone, you come more often. So maybe she needs to see some (mild) negative consequences? "I tried to call but I guess your phone wasn't plugged in." "Sorry I couldn't come visit, I tried to call and make plans but I guess your phone wasn't charged." Kind of put it back on her a bit, gently. I'm not a fan of this whole "the minute they get dementia we just do whatever they say and chalk even the rudest behavior up to their broken brain" mentality. If she wants you to call, she needs to leave her phone plugged in. If she wants you to visit, she needs to leave her phone plugged in. You don't have to be mean about it to get the message across.

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