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Ladypilot Asked March 2022

How do I envision a future for myself after being tied to helping elderly parents for almost ten years now?

My parents were harsh and punitive when I was growing up. My mother has mental health issues and is very self-absorbed. My husband had an unhappy childhood as well, and this was our reason for not having kids of our own.


For the last ten years, I have been stuck helping my very elderly parents. My father died at 92, and my mother is 95 and still in Independent living. Both have always been extremely stubborn and their way was always the best. My mother has no health issues but complains daily how much she hates the beautiful, upscale place she lives. Yet she says she will never move.


My sister and our spouses visit her, do her finances, shop for her, take her to all her appointments, and listen to her daily complaining on the phone. We are all retired, but with the stress of Covid-19 the last two years, I am really losing hope that I will ever get my old life back. I feel so resentful taking care of parents I never liked. Where do I go from here? I am emotionally exhausted.

PeggySue2020 Mar 2022
No need to volunteer nearly this much. Just tell her that you now have medical issues so you won't be around to drive her. Meanwhile, she can use the IL's transportation or call this number for transportation. No need to stay on the phone either. It should just be, "Wow. I hope you feel better. The doorbell just rang (or you have an appointment) so I gotta go." Then really, just don't answer her calls or texts for the rest of the night.

If you sense your sister might be in on this with her, I'd share the plan. If not, I'd tell her the same therapeutic fib you are gonna use with Mom to deflect Sister and Mom ganging up on you for not doing your part. Your part is really what you want it to be, and right now it is excessive.

Ladypilot Mar 2022
Thank you to both of you for the suggestions and support. Yes, my mother has no health problems. She refuses to use an emergency button, says she doesn't want any help coming in, doesn't like the AL at her place and, if needed, still won't leave her apartment in IL. But, she and only she will get to choose any helpers that may eventually be needed. Unbelievable!

I used to be a teacher, and then a student teaching supervisor. The Pandemic put an end to that. I also was a recreational pilot, but that had to go too. I am grateful for all my blessings, still, it so so difficult, as I just feel so stuck. Thanks for listening.

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againx100 Mar 2022
Your parents have been very lucky to have so much help from you for so long. Being retired, you are all very much deserving of more time for yourselves, vacations, relaxing, etc. You can make some changes.

Is she in an independent living community of some sort? Is there a possibility for more services through them? I am surprised at her age that she has no major health issues. Do you and your sister do her finances and shopping because she can't or she won't? Your mom could live for quite awhile so it's time for you to start looking out for #1 - you. Do some research on how to set boundaries and start enforcing them.

How does your sister feel? Is she burnt out too? Maybe talk to her about your plan to start cutting back. I'd tell her that you do not want her to have to do more because you want to do less. You instead would like to help find services that can do some of this work so you have more time to enjoy your retirement with your hubby while you're still able to do so!

As far as all the complaining, it's certainly draining. My mom lives with me and probably 80% of what comes out of her mouth complaining or some other form of negativity. Ugh, it's just dreadful. So, how about talking to her less? Or when she starts up say something about how you have someone at the door or whatever little white lie and get off the phone. You can even tell her that when the complaining starts, you're getting off the phone.

It is up to YOU to get your old life back. You miss it and you deserve it. So do it!

Good luck.

Good luck.

Ladypilot Mar 2022
Thank you, Lealonnie. I wish I had your strength. I don't think I have the personality to confront her. She gets very angry and sullen and at her age I don't want to upset her. My sister lives closer to her( I live about an hour and a half round trip). My sister seems to like being the caretaker type, but still I think she is exhausted.

I can never tell my mother anything good that had happened to me. She will just get jealous. I am serious. It is so sad. She has always been that way.
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
I suggest you gather the strength TO confront her!! Women like this have never been told to 'sit down & shut up', that's my take on it. My father bowed down to her and made the situation worse for BOTH of us. My mother was the exact same way as yours; angry sullen & JEALOUS. "Good news" isn't what they want to hear; they want to stay irritated! So what if I pissed her off further? I needed to look out for MYSELF, as you need to do too! She's already angry, so what's it matter if she gets a bit angrier and a bit MORE upset? She needs more services that YOU are providing at your OWN expense! In any event, just cut down your exposure/calls and use voice mail more often. Help your sister out, naturally, but talk to her about laying down the law with mother & not enabling her so much.
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
I had a similar situation, but I'm an only child, managing my parents' lives for the past 10.5 years. I had to move them across country to be near me after dad had to give up his license after 3 fender benders and mom refused to drive. Dad was 92 when he passed; both of them lived in Assisted Living (moved there from Independent Living where I originally set them up, after dad fell & broke his hip). Mom moved into Memory Care AL in 2019 and lived there for just under 3 years before she passed away 2 weeks ago at 95 with advanced dementia & heart failure.

It does end, and when you least expect it, sometimes. I was emotionally exhausted at the end too, all alone with their care for 10+ years, a mother with lots of mental health conditions and VERY self absorbed, too. It's not easy, that's for sure. I listened to chronic complaining for all those years, from mom, dad was a sweetheart really. I cut down my calls as a result, which I suggest you do too. I also suggest you tell your mother she has no other choice but to move into Assisted Living now as you and your siblings have NO TIME to take her to any more appointments and in AL, the doctor will come to HER. At 95, she has no business living in IL anymore. It's only a matter of time before some crisis will hit her and then what? You'll be in the position I was in to EMERGENCY move her into AL from IL and figure out how to get rid of all of her furniture and stuff. Mom doesn't get to make ALL of her decisions anymore b/c guess why? It's YOU and your SIBLINGS having to schlep her around to all these appointments now, due to her stubborn refusal to move! And you can't do that anymore, mom, so here's the new plan: you move to AL or you figure out how YOU are going to do EVERYTHING for YOURSELF now, with NO HELP. It takes ONE FALL for her 'perfect health' to be a thing of the past. Trust me on that. And then it's you and the siblings scrambling like maniacs to figure out what to do next. You all are propping her UP to PRETEND she's living independently when she's NOT. You're doing her finances, her shopping, driving, etc. You stop doing that, mother is now 100% DEPENDENT. Stop being her fall back cushion, and AL is her only choice. Then, when she needs help, it's right there and that lets YOU off the hook to live your life to a larger degree.

Wishing you the best of luck.

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