My wonderful mother was diagnosed with dementia about 6 years ago. She had been doing pretty well until the last 5 months. She was able to live in an assisted living facility but was moved to a full care facility 2 weeks ago. I visited her yesterday and for the first time she didn’t recognize me and didn’t understand that I was her daughter. It was the worst day of my life. I’ve cried pretty much the last 2 days. My mother was a loving, kind and amazing mother and wife. She is reduced to a mere shell of her former self. I’m struggling with the unfairness and overwhelming sadness of this situation. I find myself crying a lot now as if I’m mourning the loss of my mother. Is this normal? I don’t want to spend what time we have together sobbing but each visit makes my heartbreak. She struggles with verbalizing so conversation is tough. I basically tell her stories of trips we took and how much I love her. She smiles but stares at me like I’m a “nice girl” who came to visit. Anyone else had a similar situation? Any advice on how to overcome this crushing sadness?
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she probably knows you’re someone very important in her life… and don’t pressure her to remember!! Just bring her little presents and enjoy the visits…
Little bits of a person are eroded away and a shell is left. You can actually see it in photos of someone with dementia. There is a vacancy there. (I had a thought when looking at photos of my Husband. You hear the phrase "The eyes are the window to the soul". My thought was that with dementia God takes the soul early so the person does not know what is happening to them. That is why I saw no "life" in his pictures. I know silly but it made me feel better if I thought he was unaware how dependent he was and how much of himself he lost)..now I'm crying..
Anyway, I suppose that did not help you much with your sadness. Just know we all feel it.
Next time you visit mom might be totally different, she may know you. She may not.
Thank her for being who she is and was. Thank her for being a wonderful mom. Not everyone has that. Thank her for passing on the best of her to you.
She will always be with you. When you laugh I bet sometimes you sound like her, when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window you see your mom. She is not going to leave you..ever.
Continue to be the wonderful person you are, it is the best way to thank her.
((hugs)) for both of you
but it’s not always like that … lots have good moments of lucidity where they’re very aware of everything they’ve lost !!! and those
are the saddest of all !!!
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This is a new chapter in her life now, adjusting you must make. It's quite scary to have you memories disappear, it sucks......love and peace to you
You had/have a loving, wonderful relationship, that until very recently, was a great addition to your life. Things have changed, and you no longer have that. BUT...
you DID have it. One day, after all this is over, and mom has passed to the next stage of existence, peace will find you and you will find that the good memories will still be there and still shoring you up as you travel through life.
A lot of us on this site DID NOT and DO NOT have any 'warm fuzzy' feelings for our parents who are still with us, giving us grief and actual emotional pain. I ENVY you, I really do. My daddy was a sweetie, so, of course, the way life goes, we lost him waaay too early. Mom is, to put it nicely, difficult. My MIL actually hates me (states it to anyone she talks to, so it's not just me making things up)...how I wish I had that kind of relationship with ONE of these women.
I was blessed with tremendous grandmothers whose memories I cherish, so I'm not totally w/o that kind of love.
It is so hard to watch a LO slip away, quietly and daily just leaving us. My heart aches for you---but do spend some time thinking of gratitude for what you HAD. SO many of us do not have that.
Your reactions and approaches match mine 100%.
Dolores, passed away two years ago. I know
She wanted me to go and on with life and with grave inability to do so, I did so, very slowly but
after two years and working hard I learned about new "life" and following loving suggestions.
Good luck.
I know exactly what you’re going through. I too mourned (and continue to mourn) the loss of my dad as I knew him. Sometimes stroke patients come back, but the doctors warned that there could be permanent brain damage in the reason and functioning area of his brain - they just don’t know. So, now I’m on the “waiting and seeing” side of things for the next 3-15 months.
I miss my dad. I’ll read about something, or someone will tell me something and I’ll immediately think, “Oh! I’ll have to tell that to Dad,” only to remember that he wouldn’t know what they hell I’m talking about if I did. Most of the time he’s so sedated he’s out of it, or he’s hallucinating. Even when he remembers me, the aphasia is so bad I don’t know what he’s saying.
He’s just gone, and he would be so pissed that he’s this way.
In terms of how to deal…. When I’m not with him, I mourn. When I am with him, I feel disconnected because the man I knew is not there. I treat him more as a child, fussing over him. It gives me something to do, and he feels taken care of. But when I leave, yeah. Most days I’m crying as I walk to my car.
If you find this grief too much, reach out and find a grief counselor, because that’s what this is. It’s a loss of someone that you love.
Hugs. I know it feels like it, but you’re not alone.
I now live alone 2 bedroom 2bath with my dog so things get better with crazy intensive rehab. Btw the rehab I had same with people who have had stroke.
I don't think you or I overcome the sadness. It just becomes part of who we are as we continue this journey to the end with our mom's, you know? It's like the grief of death....you don't really get over the loss, the raw grief just let's up a bit with time. With each visit to see our mother's while they're still alive however, the horror and pain stay alive in the mind and it's like reopening a wound each time. Very difficult to say the least.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for some peace in your heart.
Family members who are seldom around mom don't understand when I say that I feel I lost her a long time ago. She is not the same person and I am not the same person to her at this stage. I am taking care of her body until it decides to leave as well. I feel honored to do that for my mom. It makes me feel good that I have been entrusted to do that for her. It really healed me a bit to look at it that way.
Hugs. I know the first time is a shock.
It’s heartbreaking. Each visit is another exercise in grief.
I pray on the way in, begging God to help me be of some kind of service to my mother and her caregivers.
I also ask God for the courage to even go in there, sometimes. Cause it just hurts.
I understand what you’re going through.
Praying for you tonight.
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