If she forgets then clearly she is not of clear mind, though you don't mention this. If she doesn't remember then you must understand that this is the "dementia" speaking. Set the phone down for the calls, let her vent, disconnect when you no longer hear the voice off in the distance. And that if you simply cannot bear to hear it; otherwise listen, tell her you hope she feels better soon, wish her good night, make a kissing sound and hang up. I agree with Igloo that it sounds as though, with this level of forgetfulness, the time may be just around the corner when Mom will no longer have access to phones, nor understand how to use them, so this , too, shall pass. We often are left with nothing to say on the Forum other than "it's the disease talking". There are some things without a solution or an easy answer. So sorry you are all going through it, as it must be difficult to understand that Mom sundowns and is so distraught in the evening. You may know you could possibly soon be contacted with a request Mom be assessed for something to calm her in the evening; you then enter the dance of medications that may calm, but may also make someone weaker on feet and in danger of falls. Just tough things to deal with, all of it.
MomNE, you & bro need to give some thought as to having mom move into a higher level of care facility for 2022. If she’s doing these things to you, there’s probably also things she’s doing at her AL…… like wandering the halls after lights out, or showing up for meals / activities way ahead of scheduled time, has issues with accurate medication taking….. that the AL will bring up after the Holiday season is over. You don’t want to be blindsided with a 30 Day Notice in her a February bill f you can help it.
you want to be somewhat prepared for that eventuality. If this AL is not part of a tiered community so has an affiliated MC or NH she can supposedly transition seamlessly into, then start your research now. If she’s going to likely need to apply for LTC Medicaid start to gather up or do the documentation needed for it.
Despite knowing it was the Alz causing the behaviour, it was still very hard emotionally to hear.
At first the family took the calls, tried to reason. Then took the calls & ended them as required. Next came letting the calls go straight to message (the facility was staffed so they had confidence staff would call if an actual emergency).
Later on, I believe a spouse may have volunteered to listen & delete the messages to save the 'blood' relative have to.
Is than an option for you?
As I have thought about that tale, it was quite a process of 'letting go'. Not letting go of love or of the person, but letting go of being involved with that behaviour.
PS Geatin has good advice!
My tale related to a person dx with Alz already in a MC setting NOT a person in AL who is supposedly fairly independent & may need more help.
Was your mom recently transitioned into AL? Or has she been in her current residence for a while but this is now new behavior? If this is a "sudden" change in her behavior you should take her to Urgent care to check for a UTI.
If it's not a UTI, and she's calling in the afternoon or evenings she is Sundowning, a common dementia behavior. If she is forgetting about it by morning, I would be concerned about what else she may be forgetting... is she responsible for taking any meds? Is she making it to the meals? I would call the admin to see if they have any useful input to give you. It doesn't help her quality of life to be that agitated every night, so maybe a chat with her doctor to maybe consider meds to keep her calm may be the next strategy. In the meantime, don't listen to anything in her messages or block her calls. Just make sure you are confirming that other things in her daily life are not amiss.
I agree with Igloo that it sounds as though, with this level of forgetfulness, the time may be just around the corner when Mom will no longer have access to phones, nor understand how to use them, so this , too, shall pass.
We often are left with nothing to say on the Forum other than "it's the disease talking". There are some things without a solution or an easy answer. So sorry you are all going through it, as it must be difficult to understand that Mom sundowns and is so distraught in the evening.
You may know you could possibly soon be contacted with a request Mom be assessed for something to calm her in the evening; you then enter the dance of medications that may calm, but may also make someone weaker on feet and in danger of falls. Just tough things to deal with, all of it.
you want to be somewhat prepared for that eventuality. If this AL is not part of a tiered community so has an affiliated MC or NH she can supposedly transition seamlessly into, then start your research now. If she’s going to likely need to apply for LTC Medicaid start to gather up or do the documentation needed for it.
Despite knowing it was the Alz causing the behaviour, it was still very hard emotionally to hear.
At first the family took the calls, tried to reason. Then took the calls & ended them as required. Next came letting the calls go straight to message (the facility was staffed so they had confidence staff would call if an actual emergency).
Later on, I believe a spouse may have volunteered to listen & delete the messages to save the 'blood' relative have to.
Is than an option for you?
As I have thought about that tale, it was quite a process of 'letting go'. Not letting go of love or of the person, but letting go of being involved with that behaviour.
PS Geatin has good advice!
My tale related to a person dx with Alz already in a MC setting NOT a person in AL who is supposedly fairly independent & may need more help.
If it's not a UTI, and she's calling in the afternoon or evenings she is Sundowning, a common dementia behavior. If she is forgetting about it by morning, I would be concerned about what else she may be forgetting... is she responsible for taking any meds? Is she making it to the meals? I would call the admin to see if they have any useful input to give you. It doesn't help her quality of life to be that agitated every night, so maybe a chat with her doctor to maybe consider meds to keep her calm may be the next strategy. In the meantime, don't listen to anything in her messages or block her calls. Just make sure you are confirming that other things in her daily life are not amiss.