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GranddaughterNo Asked October 2021

I no longer have money to buy stuff for grandma so she doesn't insult me or verbally abuse me. How do I cut her out of my life?

I've tried to be a good granddaughter. I was raised to respect my elders and look the other way when they get insulting. Growing up, my grandmother was always critical. As I grew up, I tried to bond more with her over stuff like makeup and change the relationship. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. She lives in good senior housing, has free Medicaid and Medicare, Section 8, food stamps, and a subsidized $3 cell phone plan from the state. She thinks we owe her. She tells me that my father was a loser back in the old country, and that my mom ruined her life by marrying him. She said she wouldn't help us when we were little when my mom asked because it was my "loser" father's job to support us. Now, she gets SSI and after rent, she still has some money she can save. But she likes good stuff. If I come over and she sees a nice purse, she asks me why I didn't buy her one as well, and then calls me selfish and tells me I think of no one but myself. Her stipend allows her to buy herself purses, just not brand name ones. When she saw my scarf collection in college, she says it was selfish for me not to give her one. If she sees that I have nice clothing, she says you must be making money, why aren't you buying stuff for your grandmother? This is unusual for my culture, as grandparents pride themselves on successful grandchildren and never ask for money. She tells me that it's a shame that my parents spent so much money on an Ivy League education and that I wasted it to go work a minimum job afterward. (I graduated after the recession, and did what I had to do to survive while she was busy living off of state benefits and badgering my mom for money to buy her nice things.) She told me that I screwed up my career back then, and I'll be lucky if I get a minimum wage job now. (In spite of the professional jobs I've held since). She insults me less if I bring gifts. I've had some expenses of my own come up. I remember I once didn't have much money I didn't get a haircut in over a year because I had to spend money on other stuff. Yet I managed to buy her a $70 steamer for her birthday, but she called to criticize me because I forgot to include a birthday card with the gift and that it came before her birthday. Lately, when I visit, I'll buy her some wine, or some candy, or something, because then she'll praise me. And she won't insult me. And I am ashamed of this. I know that I don't have extra money to spend. But I feel like I have to visit her at least once a week. And I can't take the insults anymore. I feel like I am such a failure. I feel like I screwed up the educational opportunity my parents gave me. I feel like I'll never get a good job. I feel like I am not worthy of respect because of the "mistakes" I made in undergrad, and that is the shame that I need to live with for the rest of my life. I feel like no matter what I do, I will never make up for having to take a minimum wage job to make ends meet after the Recession. I feel like it is a shame that will always be used against me. And that if someone insults me, I don't deserve to speak up, because after all, I worked a minimum wage job after undergrad. I ask my grandmother to stop insulting me, and she reminds me that I am a failure by taking a minimum wage job after undergrad. I don't spoil myself. I don't buy wine or candy or nice purses for myself. The one nice one I have was a gift from friends and I have a non-brand name one I've kept it good condition. Every time, I leave my grandmother's apartment, I feel like such an utter failure and "want to crawl into a hole and die" as the expression goes. I buy her stuff and try to do good things for her not because I want to, but because I can't take any more blows to my self-esteem and self-confidence and think it's better to just pay her to be nice. But nothing is ever good enough. You buy her one thing, she wants something else. I feel like I'm being selfish or doing something wrong if I put money in savings instead of her

Yuppie1 Oct 2021
I would distance myself from her. It's a difficult decision. You might feel guilty for a while if raised to always think of others first; but you can't let others drag you down if she is as narcissistic or just verbally abusive as you say she is. Hard times don't mean it's ok to abuse or be abused. Better to stay out of it altogether.

I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to give my mother the "benefit of the doubt". That she might change a little....she's a diagnosable narcissist. As is typical she is just getting increasingly worse with age.

She's in her 50s but she is abusing her mother and being a terrible human. She lies, schemes, and manipulates others. It's crazy she is so unsuccessful so she's sucking the life from my grandmother. And ironically she is being manipulated by her crazy sister. Eyes wide open, and I got help. Realised I could not help my mom get better. I was drowning and bringing MY family down with me. No energy left for my kids and husband anymore.

So I had to cut off contact. Only reason I worry about it is because of her abusing my grandma. But otherwise; good riddens. Occasionally feel a passing wave of guilt for not trying more. But it wastes so much time I could be putting my best into others that need me and bettering myself.

You need to take care of you or you can't have your own life. Idk if you want a family but having toxic relatives will make that difficult to do on a healthy level as well. The toxicity spreads like disease until you leave it behind. Best of luck to you.
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
You need to report your mom for abusing your grandma.
Jo123456 Oct 2021
Move on.
You cannot change the past, but you can PLAN a better future.
If you visit grandma, tell her you will leave if she critizes anything or if she requests anything….. then do it.
EVERY TIME.
If you call or she calls ( there is a “block” function on my phone) and she starts, hang up.
She will try to explain herself… leave.
I am 77 and people still try that on me. It is not an age thing and it is not dementia ( maybe unless it started late in life or after brain injury). It is a personality type.
Yuppie1 Oct 2021
Agreed. Just to say that "personality type" is usually a mental problem they were born with for certain. Like narcissism or being a sociopath.

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PeggySue2020 Oct 2021
Stop seeing her.

Your post reveals no prior relationship with this woman. Even if there was an emotional relationship, there doesn't seem to be one now.

And like you said, she's doing pretty well being subsidized by the government, correct? You don't have to be in line to be her POA. Can you imagine being called all the time by hosps pressuring you as to what to do with grandma? Pressuring you to take her home?

No, you don't have to inherit this. Nor in fact is there anything to inherit here. Nor is there or was there a "parent-child" bond.

Get busy doing something else on weekends besides visiting grandma.

You

JoAnn29 Oct 2021
I think I may have said "that minimum paying job paid for that purse" definitely would have said " seems your are living pretty well off the American people. At least I work to pay my bills".

When someone wears down ur self esteem, thats when you break off that relationship. A lot of us go thru hard times. I respect the person that takes any job they can to make ends meet. Why is what this person thinks of you so important to you? Did she raise you? Where are ur parents?

Cut off communication for a few days. If she calls, tell her that you will not be seeing her for a while, if ever. That her criticism of everything u do and expecting more from you than you can financially give is has worn u down. You need time to re-evaluate yourself and see if she will remain in ur life or not then hang up. If she doesn't call, then let it go. Block her and get on with ur life.

Let me say this about grandma. She is no dummy. She has learned how to work the system and seems to be doing well. The State will always take care of her. If the time comes she needs more care, the State will take over and become her guardian. She will be placed in a NH where she will get the care she needs. Will she like that, probably no. But this is what happens to people who allow the State to provide their care. The State makes the decisions. So don't worry about grandma. She will be OK. She may not like where her life ends up, but that is her problem. Time for you to do for you. Find people who make you smile.

I am not saying this is everyone on public assistance. There are people who really need it but with the job I had, I also saw those who learned to work the system and felt entitled to do so. Felt entitled while people like me were paying taxes so these people got what they needed to live.

CaregiverL Oct 2021
Granddaughter, I would never go back to visit her or buy her anything again. If you’re poa or health proxy, get someone else to do that job.

You will get a better job & it’s admirable that you took a job instead of welfare. Hold your head high. Go for therapy to talk it out.

Grandma may have some dementia..or she may have always been mean. She could be jealous of you.

I would spend time on people who appreciate you instead.

You’re amazing & don’t let anyone tear you down.

HUGS 🤗

lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Yes, you just block her number & move on with your life. You've given this woman WAY way WAY too much power and now you have to take it back! Create the life you want by removing toxic people from it, first of all, and that includes family members. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family which means you MUST remove them from your life when they are creating THIS much trouble! You feel an unnecessary level of obligation towards this woman which has created a very unhealthy dynamic between you, so the only way to break the tie is to break the tie. Block her number and that way, she'll have no way to contact you. Once you step back from the toxic fumes, THEN you will be able to breathe and see the damage that she's caused you. Right now, you're too suffocated from these fumes to really feel their effect.

You deserve a life of love and happiness, so go about creating one! Know that ANY paying job you have is an honorable job, even if it's cleaning toilets. Your grandmother is one fine specimen to be talking about how much money you are NOT making while she's sucking on the government's tit and demanding freebies from others. Self respect isn't found from the hang tag on a purse or from how many dinners one can beg off of another person who can't afford them; it comes from loving yourself and not accepting abuse from anyone because you don't deserve it. Know when to say ENOUGH and when to walk away. NOW is that time.

Good luck moving on with your life.

Midkid58 Oct 2021
You are obviously a bright and loving person.

And guess what? I give you permission to STOP encouraging grandma in these sick and twisted behaviors.

Not ONE person on here is going to say, "oh keep on feeding that tiger..keep on putting her ungrateful self first" we're ALL going to say you 'asked and answered' your own dilemma.

Put yourself first. Do or don't do for gma whatever YOU want.

Yes. she can easily outlive you. Mid 70's? And this has been going on how long??

You don't need us to tell you your days of slavery are done. You know they are. walk away. Don't look back. Ignore the calls or whatever she uses to contact you.

I speak from experience. I didn't step away from my toxic MIL until it was far too late to repair all the damage she did.

Take care of YOU!!

((Hugs!))
GranddaughterNo Oct 2021
She's been like that her whole life.
Hopeforhelp22 Oct 2021
HI Grandaughterno - first, I just want to say that your posting really hurt my heart to hear what you are going thru and feeling about yourself. So where do I begin...

I've worked many years - my entire career in Human Resources heading up departments - and I can tell you first hand that the way you are feeling about yourself is completely wrong. Congratulations on having an Ivy League education - that is Absolutely Amazing and truly Impressive - it shows just how extremely competent and intelligent you are - and resourceful for accepting any type job during a recession - when jobs are pretty impossible to come by! Also, even if you didn't graduate during a recession and opportunities were plentiful, it's still usual for a recent grad to begin entree level in most companies - and that's doing whatever it takes to get into a company - doing the grunt work! ...whether it's starting as an Assistant, Receptionist getting coffee for everyone...Administrative work, Retail job...the list goes on and on. The fact that you are just getting experience is exactly where you should be and the rest will follow later - there are no road maps to a perfect career - there's a lot of twists and turns along the way - sometimes even taking a step back in a company to get more experience so that you can later get to a higher level.

If I think of how many times I had to stop and pivot and restart in a new company and start all over again and many times along the way unsure of how I'd get to where I wanted to be - it's all part of gaining more experience, growing, continuing to persevere and never giving up...and eventually thriving! And it takes time.

You have everything going for yourself - very few out there have your education - and you are doing a complete disservice to yourself by bringing yourself down with any self-doubt, self criticism and blaming yourself for not being farther along in your career - all of that will destroy you - seriously. You need to be your own best friend - your best advocate - know your self-worth - acknowledge and remind yourself of your positive attributes and what you have to offer.

I can assure you that if you continue feeling negative about yourself, you will create your own negative destiny. You need to switch your mindset around as quickly as you can - and it takes time.

Regarding your grandmother - seriously, you owe someone like that nothing. If she cannot accept you just as a granddaughter - rather than a bank, then please back away from her. That's not being a grandmother. Rather than just walking away from her, if you need to first have a conversation to tell her that you do not have money to provide to her - you are just starting out and are trying to find your own way - and all that you can provide to her is love and some company - but if that's not enough, then there is no relationship and it's best not to spend time together. And please tell her that you cannot hear any insults or criticisms either - it's too hurtful and you need to take care of yourself and it's effected your self esteem.

Your grandmother sounds horrible and I hope you can take a step back and take time off from being around her - and solely focus on yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and self confidence. You have your whole life ahead of you and being around toxic people will only keep you down.

I wish you a great future and a wonderful career ahead - how ever long it takes to get there - there are no time schedules - enjoy the journey - and don't be hard on yourself ...treat yourself well - keep a positive mindset - and you'll be surprised how many successes you'll find along the way!! :-)

LavenderBear Oct 2021
You don't have to see her at all if you don't want to. Your choice, really. You're under no obligation to her.

As long as you don't live with her - you have freedom. Enjoy your life. It's not required for her to be in it if she treats you badly.

Sounds to me like she has plenty of assistance. Much more than millions of other elderly people. She has an affordable place to live, health care, and an income. Time to focus on you!

Bridger46146 Oct 2021
Stop seeing G’ma weekly. Get a therapists to help you work on self esteem.

BarbBrooklyn Oct 2021
Welcome, Granddaughter No!

Your grandmother is mentally ill. Also abusive, selfish, inconsiderate and not deserving of your love or respect.

Can you find a therapist to work with you on regaining your self-respect? You are not responsible for gma's happiness, she needs to find that within herself. It may be too late for her to do that.

It's not too late for you, though. I suspect that you end up in low paying jobs because you feel that's all you're worth. After a lifetime of this soul-crushing treatment by gma, it's no wonder.

In your shoes, I'd take a 4 week break from gma. Stop anwering her calls and visiting. And find a therapist.

GranddaughterNo Oct 2021
I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to regain my self-confidence and self-esteem. My low self-confidence and self-esteem issues are appearing in other aspects of my life. How do I get her out of my life? I just want to take out a loan for a couple of thousand dollars and give her that and tell her I am buying her out of my life. It's like I feel l don't deserve people to be nice to me. And I feel as I owe her because she's my grandmother, so I can't tell her you're out of my life. I have to give her money in exchange for her to no longer to call me and insult me. I know it's irrational. Has anyone else felt like this when dealing with abusive elders? She's been like this her whole life, since she was young. She's only in her 70s. And if she lives till her 90s, I won't be able to put up with another 20 years of this. If I have to be around her, I think she will outlive me. I have to prioritize my life over hers. She is not my child. She is not my spouse, and I don't have to make sacrifices on her behalf. I hate her so much after realizing how she has treated me and how I continued to grovel for her approval and niceness like a dog. I remember when I got a part-time job that didn't pay a lot, she kept insulting me until I took her out to a restaurant, even though I told her I couldn't, I just started the job. And she said, why can't you? You have a job? And I took her out to Olive Garden, and I was holding my breath, hoping she wouldn't order an extra drink or dessert. And when I got the check, she saw my facial expression, and finally understood I couldn't afford it, but I put it on my credit card anyway. And she never offered to pay me. She just said it made her happy that her granddaughter took her out. It's like she likes to feel taken care of by other people. The more money I make, the more she will ask. How can I save to buy a house if she will expect my financial gifts to her to go up as my income does? If I tell her I have expenses too, she says you have no kids, what expenses could you possibly have? And besides, she's old, so I should make sacrifices on her behalf. How can I go into a dating life and explain to potential partners that I have this "grandma expense" and our kids might have to do with less because we need to honor grandma? I know grandma is toxic. Do I just block her number and stop showing up? Do I tell her that I don't have money to fund her lifestyle and she should find another relative with the means to take good care of her, because I can't. I will not take out high-interest loans just to buy her nice gifts and let it appear that I am doing well financially so that she will not insult me. How do I break this cycle of abuse? How do I regain my self-confidence and self-esteem?

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