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daughterinlaw36 Asked August 2021

Siblings want to take mom for the weekend or maybe 5 days??? Seriously???

She sits on the porch and forgets where she is. This is her house, she's been here for 50 years! They (her kids) really just want to help. Although I don't remember any of them having her stay over even one night prior to her dementia. Now they want to pack a bag and take her home with them for days. She is so lost when she gets home. Seriously tells us that she needs to get back home, or knows they're waiting on her...Going to go stay at grandma's. No limit to the nonsense, and she stands behind every word. Looking in every room because she knows that they're all here. Just a plain out exhausting and frustrating evening for her and for her son and I. I'm just the daughter in law. They sure don't want to hear from me. I'm an RN, worked with long term care for 6 years. I know a thing or two. One daughter and a long-time daughter in law are CNA's...they know what kind of chaos they're causing, but they didn't want to give up their weekends to stay with her anymore and by default (he's POA) Jeff and I got to abandon our home to be here for her. At first it felt like respite for us and we got to mow our grass and maybe have a cocktail. We soon discovered that we were packing up and moving 2,3, sometimes 4 times a week, and each time Mom's frustration increases. We caught wind of their private discussions of nursing homes and we made it clear that we have no interest in placing her in a home. If they privately want to give it up...Why must we play this game? Do they just need to be seen as the best kids? Is this guilt? Honestly I'm spread a little thin to cater to their insecurities.

geddyupgo Aug 2021
Chiming in with the other comments here. If you MIL has been declared incompetent and yr husband has DPoA... he calls the shots. But I understand you are trying to keep peace in the family (never an easy thing) so maybe the idea of having them come and stay with her while you two exit for a well earned respite is a good idea. It will be slightly less confusing for MIL (and I'm willing to be they will be pulling their hair out at the end of 6 hours - you might want to tell them that you've taken a plane ride to your getaway - even if it's not true so they won't expect you to turn around and rush back to save them).
I also think it is a good idea to develop a plan B - NH/MC. You don't have to admit to anything just do some research and know what is available, what their policies are and what they cost.
Wishing you peace on this journey.

Geaton777 Aug 2021
Good wisdom has been given to you. I think your relatives mean well, but they are ignorant about dementia and maybe need a little humble education. Your husband (not you) can explain to them the impact of what changing the environment of someone with dementia does to them and for how much time afterwards. They will need to learn about Sundowning, and that other dementia behaviors she now exhibits.

He can thank them for wanting to show their love by hosting her but *in mom's best interests* she needs to have a staycation at her house and a strict routine which needs to be kept so that she doesn't get more confused and agitated than she already is. If they don't like this plan, oh well, it's the only plan that is acceptable. If they agree, then great! You guys get to have a much-needed break. I guarantee they will have a deeper understanding about everything you are doing and why. Your husband can also gently suggest they first view some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that his family comes to help with a fuller understanding about what dementia is, how it changes our LOs and how to better engage with our LOs so that things can go as good as possible. Hoping it all works out for your MIL and her family!

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funkygrandma59 Aug 2021
You as an RN, and other family members as CNA's, all know how disruptive it is, to take someone with dementia out of their familiar surroundings. It's sad that you have family members that want only what's best for themselves and not what's best for your MIL, their mom
If your husband is his moms POA, then at this point he should have the final say as to where and what his mom does.
Perhaps you can compromise and tell these family members that they are welcome to come stay at moms house for the week(or weekend)and that you and your husband will be away on a little respite.
And like daughter1930 said, it is never too soon to be discussing a plan B(nursing home) for moms care, as you never know what the future may hold. I wish you and your family the best in getting this all figured out.

Daughterof1930 Aug 2021
You have in mind what would be the best way to help your MIL and the rest of the family isn’t cooperating with that idea. You can’t force their choices in this, they’re adults free to do or not do what they wish. Now onto deciding if it’s better to have the help they’re offering or no help at all. No need to play any games. You’re not in this role by default, it was a choice to step in, a choice that’s proving far harder than you may have anticipated. There’s nothing wrong with that, just know there’s no way to make others do it your way, doesn’t really matter why they won’t, it’s on to deciding how to go forward. And talking of the possibility of a NH isn’t a bad idea, it’s wise to plan for what may be to come by looking into options and costs.

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