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Sawgirl Asked April 2021

How do you handle dishonesty in siblings re: willingness to share parent's finances/will, yet they want you to help provide in home care?

6 siblings but one is mentally disabled and I am her guardian. Father deceased. Mother needs total care including use of a lift. Two siblings decided without consulting the others to care for mom in-home. The same two siblings have control of mom’s finances and have had her change her will numerous times. They want help from other siblings to care for mom but when asked what mom’s finances are so siblings can help make informed decisions, they refuse to disclose. They also refuse to disclose why they took parent to lawyer again last year. Mother’s memory lasts less than a few minutes. I honestly don’t think abuse or misuse of mom is happening but resent that the two siblings want the rest to be equal in care but refuse to let us be equal in everything else. Now they are extremely angry that I won’t help physically “pull a shift” to take care of mom but I told them their dishonestly and doing things behind my back has driven me away - again. And in home care was their decision. I will help financially and have offered to prepare meals. So much more to situation. The two siblings have hired visiting angels for 9 of the 14 shifts so they do have help. This is using mom’s money. I don’t mind helping mom - once I can get my knee fixed (painful) and don’t have to care for 14 month grandson full time. But the atmosphere is fraught with tension and dishonesty. The two siblings want the decisions to be theirs with others providing only work. They resent the other siblings because we aren’t helping as much - even the sibling that lives over a thousand miles away. One more detail - mom has plenty of investments to provide for her care but not that much cash. The investments are her farm land which the siblings don’t want to sell bc it is being left to them in mom’s will which was changed from dad’s will with mom to sell everything and divide any cash.

MJ1929 Apr 2021
If they aren't sharing her will with you (not your right unless you're a beneficiary and she's dead, by the way), how do you know they've had Mom change it to leave land to them?

My mom still has her house, but I haven't sold it yet because it's continuing to appreciate. Cash is a lot easier to deal with that going through an real estate sale, and your mother will have to pay capital gains taxes on the sale of the land. Those could be significant if your dad died a while ago. Your mother's cost basis will be what the land was worth the day Dad died, so if it's appreciated significantly since then, there could be a LOT of taxes on a sale. If the land is sold after Mom dies, the cost basis for all of you would be what it was worth on her date of death and you'd pay taxes on anything above and beyond that amount.

I assume that farm land is also generating revenue for Mom. It'd be dumb to sell it now.

Also, your siblings may not have the right to sell the farm land. Not all POAs (which I assume at least one is) are given the right to sell property. The person giving a power of attorney can specify what can and can't be done by their POA.

It sounds to be like you're doing a great deal of speculating about things you may or may not know are factual.

JoAnn29 Apr 2021
First, the lawyer should be made aware that Mom is not competent to make changes to the Will. He should talk to Mom alone and ask if she is being coerced.

Second, does this lawyer know about Dads Will? Because, not sure if Mom can override Dad in her Will. He stipulated that the land was to be sold and Mom split the proceeds and that is what should have been done. Who was Executor? IMO this should have been carried out.

Farm land has been brought up before on the forum. And seems there are things involved in selling it?

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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2021
I agree with Alva. Why in the world would you give your siblings money for your mom?

They are in control of finances. Let them figure it out.

Don’t stress over it. They have POA. You don’t, so let it go.

I would say to them that handling the finances is not your responsibility and instruct them not to ask for money.

What’s the old saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” If they don’t want to sell the farm and there aren’t any other sources of cash, too bad.

So, let me get this straight. They want you to provide cash, so THEY can keep the farm that is left to THEM in mom’s will?

Oh, H*LL NO! Do yo see the insanity here? They must think that you have ‘sucker’ written on your forehead! Don’t fall for it.

Visit mom as a daughter. They have hired help. You have a legit reason, a beautiful grandchild and a bad knee. Enjoy your grandchild!

Tothill Apr 2021
First if they have POA, they have a fiduciary responsibility to not share Mum's finances, unless Mum asks them to do so.

Second, if they are POA for Health and $$$, they are to act as Mum wishes, if Mum wants to stay at home, her funds should be used to pay for this, not yours or anyone else's.

Third, nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your time. We see this over and over here, the child that is convinced that Mum or Dad should be kept at home, then complaining that siblings won't pull a shift.

You can sit down with the siblings and Mum and say that you already are guardian for your sister, you have a bad knee and provide care to your grandchild. You need funds for your own retirement and although you are willing to drop off dinner on a schedule set by you, that is the extent of the care you will provide. Be very clear that Mum has assets available to pay for her care.

Now as far as the legal documents go the onus would be on you challenging them in court to prove that Mum was not of sound mind when they were prepared.
Sawgirl Apr 2021
Thank you for your response. It was very helpful as I didn’t think about POA responsibilities. However the sibling controlling the money isn’t the POA. The oldest sibling is the POA but he has always let the youngest pay all the bills and handle mom’s investments. She chose to do this. I actually don’t want to know mom’s finances except they are asking for money from the other siblings bc mom doesn’t have cash for long extended care. They did not like my suggestion that they start selling her land. I believe they took mom to a lawyer within the last year to set up an arrangement where her land would be protected and they wouldn’t have to sell it. Again, I don’t know for sure bc the two siblings won’t divulge information. I have heard them state that the youngest brother doesn’t deserve what is being left to him in the will (that mom readily gave him) and are talking about taking mom to a lawyer to change what he gets. They already had mom take away land that she was giving me when I told her I didn’t need it. They had mom put it in their names. Mom said “you’ll get money if there is any left.” I don’t want land or money from my mother. My husband and I are very comfortable financially. I have told the sibling that controls mom’s money and keeps taking her to the lawyer that I will contest the will for my youngest brother if they take anything away from him. He would not be financially able to do this. All of this strife because my mom will do what my oldest and youngest sibling advise her to do and they want to hang onto a few acres of land. I don’t think my siblings are malicious but possibly very selfish. This writes like a soap opera. I did really appreciate your perspective. I am too close to the situation to see clearly.
AlvaDeer Apr 2021
Why are you giving money for your mother now when you will need this money when you yourself are aged? Who do you expect to step up and pay for YOU then? Because I can assure you it is rare to have that happen.
As to taking an incompetent Mom to work on a will? That's a no no. As to knowing what the will says, that is no one's business until an elder is done. If you suspect abuse of the elder Mom where the will is concerned you should contact APS. Have documentation of wrong doing ready to give them.
I very much agree with stepping away. However, see to it now that you also save your own money. And see to it that you expect no inheritance, as I doubt very much there will be one.
Give brief respite for some hours when you wish to visit with your Mom, IF you wish to visit.
As to siblings, you cannot change anything they do. You can only change yourself. You have done that and I think it is a good action. Now get on with your own life.

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