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Ginger9909 Asked April 2021

Should I tell my mom (90) that her estranged son died a few days ago?

Ok I have a question. I just found out by searching online that my 63 year old brother died. In 1994, a few months after my dad died, my middle older brother blew off the whole family. I do have another brother, the first born also. I don’t know what happened if he had a falling out with my brother or mom. She can’t figure it out but I think maybe older brother probably had some words with him over something or asked for money,etc.. and he was gone. This was now 28 years ago. My older brother tried contacting him for a few years while he still lived in our state but he wouldn’t respond. A few years later he moved out of state I’m guessing due to his job, and also remarried. My older brother found that out from googling. A few years ago I looked online and figured if I can find a phone number maybe I will talk to him just to say hi. He had absolutely no beefs with me (I was his younger sister by 10 years) anyway no luck. There was no pictures or info on him at all other then addresses he lived at or phone numbers that were old. Very strange. Anyway I decided to Google again yesterday and finally something came up and wasn’t expecting it. An obituary with his picture and drum set (he was a drummer and software engineer) which he died 4 days ago. I’m a bit sad even though he blew us all off I remember being a kid and having the best time with him.


Now the question is do I tell my mother? Yes she was upset over the years especially in the beginning after my dad died, I think It took a long time for her to accept it. What is my role now that I have this information? It is her son and I feel she should know. My older daughter says not to tell her so I’m not sure what to do and and would like other peoples opinion on this...


My mom has been in rehab the past month. She is doing ok with her rehab after she had a fall 6 weeks ago. She got injections in her knee to help get her around and is doing the therapy and everything they ask of her. I’m not sure how much longer she will be there or what the end result is going to be. She seems fine mentally no dementia or anything that I can tell. Any advice would be appreciated.

GardenArtist Apr 2021
Another way to consider this is what value would come to your mother by telling her?   Would it improve her therapy, and her life after that?

Maple3044 Apr 2021
I wouldn't tell her. I quit telling my mom about friends of hers who passed on. If she asked, I just said I haven't heard from them in a while.

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gladimhere Apr 2021
Your profile says nothing about mom's health. If she has any health or dementia issues, NO, it will only cause stress and confusion. If she is healthy, still NO. You saw her struggle with this before, do not start it over again.

ThomasY Apr 2021
Ever hear the expresion "It's best to let sleeping dogs lie"?
If she brings it up, then maybe you can say you'll look into it. Otherwise, there is no reason to tell her. The righteous say she has a right to know, but if it will sadden her, why tell her?
Make sure your brother and family are on the same page with you.

MJ1929 Apr 2021
Ask yourself to what you expect to gain for telling her. If she had no contact with him for so long and doesn't ask about him, I see no point in hitting her with this right as she's trying to recover from a fall and subsequent issues.
Penelope123 Apr 2021
Right, I agree. I have gone through this myself with my own brother. Very painful losing someone who walks away from you. She's suffered enough.
CaregiverL Apr 2021
No way absolutely not! Do not tell her as it won’t do her a bit of good. Also don’t tell anyone who will tell her, so just keep it to yourself. I know you’re going to not have loose lips (sink ships) mindset. Just help her get well and thank goodness she doesn’t have dementia. Hugs 🤗

BurntCaregiver Apr 2021
No. Don't tell her. If he hasn't spoken to her in 28 years, why bring him up now? It will only upset your mother.

AlvaDeer Apr 2021
No would be my advice. She doesn't speak about him or ask about him if I understand correctly. If she ever DOES ASK ABOUT HIM I would lie my bottom off on this one at that time, would tell her I will research him if she would like. If she asks that you do, THEN tell her his date of death. Clearly he didn't care enough to contact family. Clearly family has not care enough about the brothers to reach out to them or speak of them. So it is done. They have moved on. There is no reason for her to have to deal with this news. The fact she doesn't speak of them means that she has chosen in her own mind to move on and let them move on. They did so, and have now truly moved on. Leave it. For myself, I would not have told a single soul, including my daughter, as once you tell someone there is no longer a secret.
If she find out you knew, and knows at some point, say that yes, you accidentally found out, and as she never spoke of him you felt she had no curiousity, and that the information could only be either sad for her or meaningless for her, and you held your peace.
I usually believe in telling a senior anything they want to know, so if she even asked I would say "I will see what I can find" and I would tell her you have found out he died, and when.
Some say she has a "right" to know. She does. She could ask you on any day of the week to try to find out for her. She hasn't. She doesn't WANT to know, and that's a choice as well.

Ricky6 Apr 2021
No.

TouchMatters Apr 2021
Why would you tell a 90 year old woman that her son died?
If she has any positive memories, this is what will serve her now.
I do not see any benefit or positive aspect to tell her this. Do you?
Penelope123 Apr 2021
My brother did the same to my family for no reason coming from him causing so much pain. He wanted NO contact with any of us. Your answer is the right one. Why cause her anymore pain as she's already suffered with him walking away from her. You wonder how someone who was treated well by both parents and siblings could do this.
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