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Di27813 Asked April 2021

How to care for LO when they refuse to move and live with you?

I am an only child and helped take care of my Mom until her passing at 87 from Parkinson's last year. My Dad (79) was her primary care taker and has suffered 2 small strokes since her passing. He's recovered physically from the strokes and is still independently living in his apartment, but suffers from spinal stenosis, has some memory loss issues (ie: forgetting to take meds) and I know he (as am I) is still grieving. My husband, teen daughter and I have been helping him more and more with things like finances, laundry, ect. He has a few friends locally that he talks to from time to time, but no one on a regular basis and I am his only family nearby. He has strong community ties and before COVID was still asked to participate in community events (ie: as chaplain for the village fire dept and was the village historian). Our plan has always been to move south (SC/FL) once my daughter graduates high school & DH and I retire. We want Dad to live with us but he is insisting on staying put in NY. I'm between a rock and a hard place...my family and I are getting ready to move in the next year (or two) but I do not want to leave Dad behind. I understand how hard it will be to leave the area he is familiar with, but I'm afraid that he will continue to decline and won't be able to care for himself (especially since lately we've been doing more and more for him.) I don't fully trust that he'll be properly taken care of if he doesn't come with us and I feel like the stress will consume me. How can I convince him that being with family is more important than the town he grew up in?

Geaton777 Apr 2021
I'm an only child, too, so I get your dilemma. For starters, it would be very, very important for him to assign you as his durable PoA. Without this legal authority you will not be able to act as his medical/financial advocate no matter how you are related to him. He must understand this. This needs to happen before he loses any more cognitive faculties, since one must be "of sound mind" in order to create this legal protection. Without this you will be forced to pursue guardianship for him -- a very costly and emotionally draining process through the court system. I would start by trying to convince him to attend a meeting with an elder law attorney/estate planner. If you have to pay for this initial consult so be it (often the first 1 hr consult is free). The lawyer can give him a dose of reality which would be hard to argue against. Hopefully he'll be willing to create the PoA right then and there.

Once you and he have the PoA in place, he should have a medical exam where his doctor discretely does a cognitive/memory exam on him. He needs a baseline measurement in his records. Do not do this before creating the PoA. Only do it after.

If he is already forgetting to take his meds, this is a problem. Short-term memory loss can also make him forget to eat (which happened to my MIL). Your dad has had a huge change in the past year and more is surely to come, and quicker than anyone can imagine. Start with getting the durable, springing PoA. Also, please reconsider having him actually live in the house with you. This is not good for your privacy, your marriage or your stress levels. Try not to romanticize his caregiving in your home. If you think he's stubborn now, just wait until he's in your home and refuses to shower or wear Depends. You can read all about it on this forum from those who have gone before you. He will do much better in a more social environment in a senior community in FL. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
Di27813 Apr 2021
Im glad Im on the right track...I have POA and an his health care proxy. I do understand what you mean about him living with us. We are looking at ‘next-gen’ homes..houses that have an attached apartment which would give us some separation but I could still check in or have home health care come in for assistance. Assisted living is also something I want to look into where we move to...I think the social aspect would help him a lot, but would be so much more affordable having him with us.
JoAnn29 Apr 2021
He will decline if you move him. I have seen it with the elderly in my Church. Yes, there are good reasons why they need to live with or near family but you are taking them away from what they know. At 79 he will not make new friends if he is not involved in a Church or a other activities. You will become his entertainment. You will not have a moment for yourself. I have seen these people pass within 2 yrs.

What I suggest is finding him, if he can afford it, a nice Assisted Living where he now lives. They will be in charge of his meds. He will have 3 meals a day, outings and entertainment. Socialization too.
Di27813 Apr 2021
I am afraid of faster decline if he moves as I’ve heard this can happen. Finding a nice assisted living here is a challenge...the best one is a half hour from the town he wants to be in and at $8,000 a month it’s a Hefty bill. Having someone overlook meds is additional cost. He doesn’t have a steady line of visitors ... once every few months a friend may call or stop by. I speak to him 1-3 times a day by phone and we are with him every weekend and 2-5 times weekdays during the month. I fear him declining without us here. I know if he moved with me it might get to a point where assisted living is a better fit and having him close to where I live I could check in on him.

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lealonnie1 Apr 2021
My folks lived in Florida, independently, until dad was 87 and had to stop driving for a few different reasons. At that time, I moved them out to Colorado to be close to me (the only child) and set them up in a senior Independent Living bldg about 5 miles away. When he fell and broke a hip, then I had them moved into Assisted Living. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 94 and living in Memory Care these days.

My point is, let your father live his life on his terms until it becomes no longer viable for him to do so. He'll tell you when he can't do it anymore, and then you can make arrangements to move him closer to you. That's my suggestion. You can always see if he'd like a caregiver to come in to help him out a few days a week once you move.

You need your life, and he needs his. Hopefully, you can both accomplish that.

Good luck!
Di27813 Apr 2021
I do want him to be independent and in control of his decisions as long as possible. He’s been relying on us to do more and more. I will continue to keep an open and honest communication with him. Being 6 hrs away via plane won’t be as easy as having him with or near me.
my2cents Apr 2021
Your plan is to move in next year or two, so no need to get commitment out of him right now. In the future months, things could change with him and he may realize how important it will be to live closer to you.

Talk about your move and the things available in areas you are looking. Something may interest him. If he has money to continue living where he is, and is still healthy enough to live alone, he may decide to hire the help he needs. In fact, you could try that out now by being too busy to drop by to do laundry - have a cleaning lady go in to do some of the things you do. See how it goes. You could still go buy for visits, but the work transferred to someone else. Often when older people see how much something costs these days, they will be more agreeable to another way.

You can also discuss the harsh winters up north as opposed to a southern climate - falling on ice, unable for people to get in/out to help him. Discuss as though these are reasons YOU want to move - don't push on him as reasons he should move.

AlvaDeer Apr 2021
My opinion would be to make your Move. You can come home and help Dad either move to you or move into care when he needs it. I would begin discussing your plans with him now and give him time to adjust and think about it. Meanwhile start exploring ALFs in your area and in your new area when you move. Wishing you the best.

funkygrandma59 Apr 2021
I think at this point, it really is up to your dad to decide where he wants to live out his years. You will just have to make it very clear to him, that you and your family won't be able to handle things for him like you have, and that he will have to hire folks to help him if needed. And unfortunately it may take another health crisis, before he will finally give in and move in with you and your family. I wish you the best.

Lvnsm1826 Apr 2021
I agree with the others. Do a POA. Then get an assessment of his needs, and let him stay in his home town that he likes. He can have a professional caregiver or go to assisted living in his town.
If he lives with you, it will be a big burden, and there goes your retirement.
Di27813 Apr 2021
I do have POA and Dr feels memory loss is ‘regular’ aging. Right now he’s fairly independent but I feel like he’s not looking ahead and preparing for what his future may hold. Assisted living in NY is a lot more expensive than down south. If he goes to assisted living in NY, I’d be afraid of his level of care without me here to check on the services he’s getting.
OldAlto Apr 2021
Would it be possible to talk him into splitting his time between NY and your new home in SC? What I'm thinking is that he will fall in love with the place and be willing to go full time with you after he has been there a while.
disgustedtoo Apr 2021
Many older people become snow-birds, heading south for the winter! Some choose not to go back. I suggested a compromise of sorts, assuring the dad that they would visit several times/year - OP indicated she would likely be doing this, as she has friends in the area too.

My parents had a condo up here and one in FL. I was surprised that the decision was made to sell the FL place when it became too difficult to travel between them. My mother raved about the FL place all the time. I suspect it was more because most family was up here and many friends as well. I'm glad they did - the 1.5 hours each way to clear, clean and get repairs done on the condo here took almost 2 years for me to finish before we could sell it. I can't imagine how we (make that I - most everything has been done by me, very little help from brothers) could have dealt with one in FL!! Between my mother and my cats, I wouldn't be able to go stay there, and on top of that, I'm not a big fan of FL. Always look on the bright side!
Tandemfun4us Apr 2021
My mom wanted to live at home but has memory issues she hides very well. We prayed a great deal as to what to do. We were willing to do whatever was the Lord’s will. 8 months after we came to help mom in Florida, she is in a Atria Senior living facility Lady Lake for AL and MC. It is not all inclusive but even with all of the helps mom will be able to afford it and it would be 5000.00. It is near The Villages, FL and mom looked at it so she could stay there temporarily when we had to travel to a family event. She loved it! I know that God prepared her heart for this and I am so grateful. The food is delicious, she loves having an apartment and the staff are caring and kind. She gets her laundry done, her hair done, PT if needed and medical care/meds/doctors. Since your father was a chaplain, ask him to pray about this intentionally and be open to God’s best plan for him. We are so grateful. She will never get better and she is in a safe place. They did not have any covid cases with residents and are very diligent. No one could have changed mom’s mind but the prayers from us (and her). We are grateful. Mom has her independence and dignity much more than when we lived with her. She loves her condo. It is around 2900 a month base line and is 3100 with the medication schedule (she gets multiple meds 3 times a day).
Di27813 Apr 2021
Thank you for your kind response.

My Dad is the same way...hiding memory issues although it’s becoming more apparent to him. Lately if he can’t remember something he just says it’s due to some holes in his brain due to his strokes.

I looked at an Atria Sr living here in NY...it was my favorite. I can’t get over the difference in cost...between $3-5,000 more here than in FL. I will check out their other locations and talk with my Dad about checking them out with me.

Prayer is definitely something I need to remind my self about. Such simple advice that will help my Dad and I a great deal. Thank you.
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2021
If dad stays behind, no one knows how your dad is going to be after you move. That’s something that remains to be seen.

Set up as many resources as you can for him beforehand.

Take care of necessary legal paperwork too. Being further away you won’t be able to run to the rescue quickly any longer.

I am happy to see that you have made your decision based on your own desires.

Please don’t ever consider not moving due to your dad’s health.

Of course, you are concerned about him. You love him. In the end, his decision is his choice as to whether or not he wishes to move along with you.

I wish your family well and hope there is a resolution that suits each of you.

Enjoy Florida!

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