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Cashew Asked March 2021

Deflecting mom's questions leads to more problems. Any suggestions?

I moved my folks into my house in 2012. Dad had blood clots, COPD, a touch of non-diagnosed dementia. Mom was his main caregiver.
But, then Mom had a stroke in 2016, and the VD took hold along with other problems from the stroke.
Dad passed in 2017, at home.
Now, it is 2021 and Mom asks were Dad is. Not always, but often enough to be troublesome.
I know not to tell her that he passed because of the grief reaction. However, When I try to deflect, Mom gets it in her head that he's abandoned her and she grieves for that!
Any suggestions? They were married for 57 years.

MargaretMcKen Mar 2021
One thing that sometimes works is an excuse a bit longer than being late home, and that can deflect to a different conversation. EG He’s gone on a trip to NYC because he’s always wanted to see it, and he phones and sends his love – What did you enjoy on your trip when you were young? His work has sent him to the London office to see their factory over there, he says he’s missing you and is looking forward to getting home – Do you think he should try and see Buckingham Palace while he’s there? He’s had to go to hospital for some check-ups, nothing’s wrong but they are keeping him in for a few days – He doesn’t think the nurses are as nice as your here? He’s due home from a camping trip with the grandsons next week (and it’s always next week). I’m sure he’ll be glad of some proper home cooked dinners. What do you think we should cook for him?

Or you could just bring up a discussion about his favorite dinners - anything to deflect to something nice to talk about. The first bit may not be 'true', but the discussion that follows could be genuine. Worth a try?
MAYDAY Mar 2021
YES,,, WORTH A TRY.... !!!
MJ1929 Mar 2021
You could always tell her that your Dad is in her heart and yours, too, so he hasn't left her.

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Windyridge Mar 2021
I think the answer here depends on the type and severity of the dementia. When my mom died dad was with here and grieved horribly until relatives took him out to the lobby of the assisted living facility. I arrived 20 minutes after mom died. He was have a good time telling fishing stories to his grandsons. Any memory of moms death completely gone.

Dads short term memory was maybe two or three minutes at that point. I was not about to make him go through the shock and grief every time he asked where mom was. Nor did I take him to her memorial service. So when he asked, mom was at the doctors, in rehab, in the hospital etc. This was stuff he was very used to in the past years.

In the last year or so of his life he rarely asked about mom.
BlueRider84 Mar 2021
My mother also had very short memory (3-5 minutes) due to Alzheimer’s. After my father died at home last May (we were both with him), she would frequently ask where he was or when he was coming home. They were married for 65 years. I was honest with her every time and gently told her that he had died. Sometimes she responded with “Oh, that’s right. I just forgot.” Other times it seemed like new info and she’d ask how he passed. Either way, it wouldn’t have been fair to her to lie about something so important. Death is certainly a part of the circle of life.
After dad died, we put his urn of ashes on his bedroom dresser with a photo of him so mom could see him and feel his presence. She found comfort in that, especially in her last few weeks (she passed last month, which was a blessing).
lealonnie1 Mar 2021
There's no good answer here, obviously. Normally, we don't remind a dementia sufferer that a loved one has died so they don't relive the grief over and over again. Yet you say your mother knows her husband is deceased. So she's confused about where he's at, I guess you're saying? Tell her he's in heaven and resting comfortably in peace over there, might be a good idea to try.

My mother has moderately advanced VD herself but never asks about her deceased husband of 68 years. She didn't like him much, to be honest. Lately, she's fixated on her mother and sisters who have been dead for decades. Depending on her mood and state of mind, I'll either tell her they're passed or not available to speak on the phone. There's no such thing as "lying" to a person with dementia, nor is there value in insisting on telling them the truth if it's going to agitate them. So you play it by ear. You tell her whatever she needs to hear at the moment to keep her calm.

Thats how I handle my 94 year old mother who changes on a daily basis, so I change along with her, to keep the peace and not further hype up an over dramatic woman.

Good luck with an ugly condition to deal with.

marcykong Mar 2021
My mom has VD too :) I'm in the SAME situation with my mom asking about my dad. I don't believe in lying either, but there are times I just can't handle watching the pain well up on her face. Much of the time, she is telling me where my dad is at...at work, in the hospital, or with one of us kids. Those times, I don't correct her. I just try to switch the topic at that time. However, there are times she's really concerned and worried about him. These times are getting fewer, but when she's more lucid then I bring his death up. It's like she still knows down deep and she accepts it. BUT there are times I've told her and she wants to know when, because she just talked to him that morning! It's tough stuff. Just know you're not alone.

earlybird Mar 2021
My mother will ask about my father, her husband of sixty years, and I remind her he passed years ago and he is at peace. She accepts my answer and is reassured that he is safe and at peace.

disgustedtoo Mar 2021
One can always try to tell the truth, and see the reaction, but generally it isn't good. If they take it okay, are not upset and just tend to ask again, fine. Tell them the person has passed. I have not seen anyone myself who takes that news nicely. I was not about to put my mother through pain and grief over and over and over again just so I could tell the "truth."

The people she brought up that were gone were her mother (mostly), her father (a few times) and one sister. At least those were the only ones she talked about with me. Her mother had been gone over 40 years, her dad died in our house when I was 10 and her sister had been gone for years.

Clearly the first time her mother popped into the discussion, she had stepped back in time. In the same time period she forgot her condo of 25 years and focused on the previous house. I responded in a way that just deferred her request or kept the responses vague (Have you seen or talked to SisterX? Not recently. She went on with her thoughts about that sister, without any response from me after that.) I had learned enough by that time that I knew telling her that these people were dead would not go over well.

The only time I mentioned a death was a cousin of mine. When I said Mary had recently passed away, she was angry that no one told her! I had only found out myself, as we hadn't been in contact with others in the family for many years.

Her statements and questions about her mother were rather sweet - gee, I wonder what's she's doing for X holiday? Would she be making turkey dinner? Why would I want to squash those memories by telling her the woman has been dead for 40+ years?

So, what do you use for "deflection"? If saying he's at work, at the store, out with the "boys", and the like don't work, perhaps a little bit more fibbing? A lot can depend on how long her short term memory is. My mother could forget something she or I said in a matter of minutes, but other times get stuck on something, like a record needle stuck in a scratch, repeating over and over. If she tends to forget quickly, perhaps you could tell her you just talked to him, he's on his way home? Or he called and is having car trouble, he will be home a bit late? If possible, follow these up with trying to guide her onto another topic or activity, cup of tea, check what's on TV, go for a walk - don't know enough about your mother to really nail anything down.

Although I could post our interactions about other family members, she never did ask about dad. For the first 2 years or so, she carried around pictures of dad and several with her siblings. I bought a small picture album, to help protect the pictures for her. She would often look through them, but never asked about them (she was the last of that generation on both sides of the family.)

(VD - I was typing in another post and thought the same thing, so I spelled it out. I've seen VaD used, but just now looking that up, nope, pages and pages on some medical device, no mention of dementia! I'm sure everyone knew what you meant!)

Cashew Mar 2021
OH! should I spell out Vascular Dementia? VD does have other connotations. lol

MAYDAY Mar 2021
Yes, Mom,I love him too... Ice Cream?

AlvaDeer Mar 2021
I don't ever believe in dishonesty. I am uncertain who told you to be dishonest in order to avoid grief reaction, but I disagree. It is sad that with dementia she will mourn over and over, but I would help her. Make a scrapbook of memories and pictures together. Speak of his death, when and how it happened, and their last years together. Grief is a part of life. To attempt to hide it and let someone believe they are abandoned? I cannot imagine anything worse than that. Is grieving death and loss worse than that? I think not. Just my humble opinion.

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