my husband was placed in a facility of his choosing . He wanted to go b k to his hometown so he could see old friends . I work and have a home on the coast of sc so I dive up and back- 8 hours round trip to visit him . He likes the facility and wants to stay there rather than have him moved to the facility here.

My question is … it a good idea to take my husband home with me for 5 days because my entire family is coming in for my birthday . He would get to see my family but I’m worried that he will be terribly confused.
I could also let him stay at the facility at the coast which is 5 minutes from me and see if he likes it . But my main question is “ should I take him out of the facility to go to the coast”. He has been in the facility for 2.5 months and it took him about a month to get acclimated .

Bepperboo, you have only had 2.5 months to get used to this new way of life too. Such a big change for both of you.

If it weren't for the distance, I'd suggest your family visit your DH on site (if they have a cafe or function room) so he could be part of things PLUS be in his new familiarity. But the distance prevents that.

Could you separate things & have your birthday in 2 parts?

Have your gathering with your family as planned. Take photos. Maybe even a short personalised video from familiar people directly saying hello to your DH.

Make birthday part 2 when you next visit your DH. Maybe invite one of his friends, bring a treat & share the video.

I hope whatever you decide, you have a lovely birthday.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Beatty

Nope not a good idea at all. Neither was moving him to a facility where you have to drive 4 hours one way to see him. I don't understand why caregivers allow those who need the help to dictate what happens and have to turn their lives upside down to do it.
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Reply to sp196902
Igloocar May 13, 2024
The OP's husband preferred to go to this location. If he is in AL, his wife should not need to be doing caregiving that requires her presence. While the trip is inconvenient for the OP, she does not indicate that she is turning her life upside down. The trip is 4 hr one-way driving; especially in a temperate climate, that's not a bad trip. And in this particular instance, even if her husband were closer, it would not be a good idea to take him out of the AL to visit so early in his stay there.
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No. I wouldn't.
You tell us this would result in confusion.
You tell us that it has taken about 2 1/2 months for him to adapt and adjust, and that he has never wanted to be where you are.

I understand how difficult these drives are for you, and I myself would not be wanting to make them, and less so as I myself aged. But this was your husband's wish about where he wanted to spend his last years, and yours for where you want to spend your last years.

I know that you already likely know this, but a birthday celebration for one with confusion and dementia is about the LAST THING ON EARTH they want or need. The celebration would be for others, so I would never attempt to do this.

For yourself, I think your trips will become fewer and father apart, and getting a good hookup going with Zoom may be one answer if the facility where you hubby is will assist in that.

I wish you the best, and this is only my opinion; in truth you know your husband best. And in the long run you cannot predict fully how any of these things "will go". Best of luck to you with this decision. It is almost sounding to me as though you have in essence a "legal separation" without the legal, and you might want to consider seeing an attorney to see if you should actually make it legal if that works financially better for the two of you. No one need know such a document is even extant. Your emotional love and connection would not figure at all in such a "paper" but your financial well-being might be better.
Again, best out to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

I've followed your other posts about the decision you had to make. It's good to know what happened.

I don't see positives to bringing him to your home. He could get there and not understand where he is or who those strange people are. He could refuse to get in the car to drive back to his facility. Then you'd have a major problem on your hands.

If you thought he should visit the facility on the coast, that should have happened before you took him to the place where he wanted to go, in hopes that he'd change his mind. Now isn't a good time.

He's where he is and where he wanted to be, and now that he's acclimated, don't look for more problems! Accept that your family may be strangers to him now. If he seems to recognize their names when you mention them, realize that he may not but is trying to keep up with what you're telling him.

Your issue as I see it is that you want to keep one foot in the reality that says husband is like he used to be and would therefore enjoy a family gathering. Your other foot is stuck in the true reality that he isn't as he was and will never be, plus he lives elsewhere now, which is where he needs to be without anything complicating his adjustment.

I'm sorry, OP. Hang in there, and have a happy birthday. Maybe you should suggest that your family all meet for a visit in the town and at the place where husband lives now, and do it soon.
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Reply to Fawnby

To be perfectly honest, I think that you've had a good outcome. You must miss your husband terribly, but it must be a comfort to know that he has settled into his new home and is happy there.

I think that you risk upsetting him in so many different ways by taking him back to your home. It isn't his home anymore and he might become distressed and ask to go home. That would also be heartbreaking for you.

If you take him to stay in the facility near you, he won't know where he is and will probably become frightened.
It's possible that a big party will be overwhelming for him, and he would become anxious.
Also, that's a long trip for someone in his condition.

Ultimately, it would not be in your husband's best interest to take him away from his new home, where he feels safe.

I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. You also need to give yourself time and space to adjust to your new situation - having the support of family will help.
Enjoy your birthday. Let yourself feel a little sad for a short while, as you remember how things were and how you imagined they would be. Then, say thank you to those memories, and enjoy what you do have today.

Best wishes to you and your husband.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to MiaMoor
Rogerwyatt7890 May 12, 2024
Great advice and kindness.
No. Absolutely not. Routine is vital for dementia patients. You’d be amazed how even two hours away to get lunch can disorient them. What is two hours to us is two weeks to them and they have to re-acclimate.

A long weekend would be like 6 months to him.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
Rogerwyatt7890 May 12, 2024
Heck ya. Took mom to mother's day lunch with the kids today and she was totally confused. Of course, she did not sleep last night either which made it worse. When she got back home she was fine. I try my hardest to get her out especially with good weather but it is becoming very hard. Hygiene is a big issue also.
I think it's a nice idea but would probably. be a somewhere between bad and horrible in reality. I wouldn't tell him anything about it at all.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to againx100

OP: "I could also let him stay at the facility at the coast which is 5 minutes from me and see if he likes it"

I haven't had a similar situation, so I am only speaking from what I would consider if it were me. However, I would seriously consider the advice others (with experience) are giving. First thing, have you ever done anything similar since he has moved to the facility and if so, consider how that went.

If I felt strongly about the facility that is 5 minutes away, then I would consider taking him there but only if I were serious about moving him with no looking back. I would not take him to your beach home, (even for a party) especially if he has ever been there before. I would not allow all the family to visit him, only a few who had a special relationship with him.

It seems to be a situation that needs serious consideration before doing anything that can make his and/or your life more difficult. My heart goes out to you as this is a difficult situation to be in to know you are making the best decision for both of you. As someone else mentioned, if you have him there you will not be able to totally relax and enjoy the time that is set aside to celebrate you.

Consider the "what-ifs" like how would you handle it if he got down there and insisted coming right back to his familiar surroundings. I would think you, personally, may need bring him back to minimize having to start all over with the acclimation. I would not want to have to face that in the middle of such a big weekend.

One thing to be sure of is if you are wanting to do it for him, yourself, or the family. Whatever you do, do it for the right reasons or you will probably regret it. Just remember others who may be encouraging you, saying they will help and everything will be fine... they do not know him as well as you do and would probably never think of the "what-ifs" that you consider major!
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Reply to KPWCSC

No once he comes home he will never want to leave. It will only make things worse.
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Reply to Sample

No, don't do it. Take the family to visit him. Others on this forum have given you very good reasons why you should leave him there.
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Reply to MaryKathleen

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