My husband has been in AL for two months now. I am wondering if it is a good idea to let him come home for a long weekend?

I've followed your other posts about the decision you had to make. It's good to know what happened.

I don't see positives to bringing him to your home. He could get there and not understand where he is or who those strange people are. He could refuse to get in the car to drive back to his facility. Then you'd have a major problem on your hands.

If you thought he should visit the facility on the coast, that should have happened before you took him to the place where he wanted to go, in hopes that he'd change his mind. Now isn't a good time.

He's where he is and where he wanted to be, and now that he's acclimated, don't look for more problems! Accept that your family may be strangers to him now. If he seems to recognize their names when you mention them, realize that he may not but is trying to keep up with what you're telling him.

Your issue as I see it is that you want to keep one foot in the reality that says husband is like he used to be and would therefore enjoy a family gathering. Your other foot is stuck in the true reality that he isn't as he was and will never be, plus he lives elsewhere now, which is where he needs to be without anything complicating his adjustment.

I'm sorry, OP. Hang in there, and have a happy birthday. Maybe you should suggest that your family all meet for a visit in the town and at the place where husband lives now, and do it soon.

Bepperboo, you have only had 2.5 months to get used to this new way of life too. Such a big change for both of you.

If it weren't for the distance, I'd suggest your family visit your DH on site (if they have a cafe or function room) so he could be part of things PLUS be in his new familiarity. But the distance prevents that.

Could you separate things & have your birthday in 2 parts?

Have your gathering with your family as planned. Take photos. Maybe even a short personalised video from familiar people directly saying hello to your DH.

Make birthday part 2 when you next visit your DH. Maybe invite one of his friends, bring a treat & share the video.

I hope whatever you decide, you have a lovely birthday.

I don’t think I would remove him from his facility for a party since he has acclimated so well to his surroundings.

I am sorry that you have such a long commute to visit him. What was so special about the facility that he is in? Is it drastically different from the facility that is closer to your home?

I can’t imagine driving eight hours every time I wanted to see my husband. How often are you going to be able to visit him?

It seems like you have bent over backwards in order to make him comfortable. He’s lucky to have a wife who has done everything to please him.

Enjoy your birthday. Don’t change your plans to include him. You deserve to have a celebration that will be free from worry.

Nope not a good idea at all. Neither was moving him to a facility where you have to drive 4 hours one way to see him. I don't understand why caregivers allow those who need the help to dictate what happens and have to turn their lives upside down to do it.

OP how often does your husbands friends visit him in this facility. Just wondering if it was worth it for you to give into his demands and move him 4 hours from you.

Don't do it. You put your husband in AL for a reason. Dementia because he needed to be in a care facility to meet his needs.

If he has acclimated well to life in his AL and is happy there, don't screw it up and undo everything by taking him "home" for five days. Or by putting him in the AL facility near you for that time. People with dementia like a structured life. They like routine and don't do well with change. All that you will achieve by removing him from his AL will be to confuse him and very likely cause setbacks in whatever his independence level is. Don't do it.

You were very foolish to move him to an AL so far away, but there's often a power struggle with demented spouses or parents and their families taking control away from them.

Have your birthday party and enjoy yourself. Don't even tell your husband about it. Make sure no one else does either. He probably won't even remember it is your birthday.

No. I wouldn't.
You tell us this would result in confusion.
You tell us that it has taken about 2 1/2 months for him to adapt and adjust, and that he has never wanted to be where you are.

I understand how difficult these drives are for you, and I myself would not be wanting to make them, and less so as I myself aged. But this was your husband's wish about where he wanted to spend his last years, and yours for where you want to spend your last years.

I know that you already likely know this, but a birthday celebration for one with confusion and dementia is about the LAST THING ON EARTH they want or need. The celebration would be for others, so I would never attempt to do this.

For yourself, I think your trips will become fewer and father apart, and getting a good hookup going with Zoom may be one answer if the facility where you hubby is will assist in that.

I wish you the best, and this is only my opinion; in truth you know your husband best. And in the long run you cannot predict fully how any of these things "will go". Best of luck to you with this decision. It is almost sounding to me as though you have in essence a "legal separation" without the legal, and you might want to consider seeing an attorney to see if you should actually make it legal if that works financially better for the two of you. No one need know such a document is even extant. Your emotional love and connection would not figure at all in such a "paper" but your financial well-being might be better.
Again, best out to you.

No. Absolutely not. Routine is vital for dementia patients. You’d be amazed how even two hours away to get lunch can disorient them. What is two hours to us is two weeks to them and they have to re-acclimate.

A long weekend would be like 6 months to him.

Are you planning on seeing your husband soon?

It looks like just about everyone on this thread has cautioned you not to remove your husband from his facility for the party.

Do you anticipate him asking you about your birthday? If you don’t think that he will, I don’t think that I would even mention it to him. Have an answer prepared in case he does ask.

Instruct others not to say anything to him if you think it will upset him.

I am sure that you miss life terribly as it was before, but you know that it will never be the same again. We grieve for the person they were before they entered a facility.

I think we feel so badly about what our family members miss out on, that we want to include them in as much as possible with stories, photos, outings, etc.

I honestly think that everything depends on what stage dementia a person is in.

In your case, your husband has just begun to settle down in his facility, so I don’t think you should rock the boat now. Or, maybe not ever.

We have heard stories from posters who have taken family members out for brief periods of time, to breakfast, lunch or dinner, and they were okay for a time.

Then, there came a time when it was no longer possible.

Some posters can’t even take their family members out for a brief period because it would be so disruptive for them.

A longer period of time seems too risky to me.

We have a poster who talks about how her husband grabbed the steering wheel of the car as her husband was driving. Thankfully, no one was hurt but I can’t imagine how disturbing that would be.

I think it's a nice idea but would probably. be a somewhere between bad and horrible in reality. I wouldn't tell him anything about it at all.

My hub is in a MC about 8 mi from me and I don’t even take him out at all. He has no short term memory and when I did let him go out to lunch with group from MC there were issues with him wandering to kitchen, ladies room and parking lot. He was being watched carefully but it amazed me how fast he can move. It took him at least 6 -8 wks to adjust and it’s now his home. We still have a home together but he doesn’t always remember me or other family and certainly not friends. I love the zoom idea if you want to ck on him but more impt is you need to acknowledge he’s further into his journey and it will not get better only continue and sometimes at great speeds. The deed is done and him choosing to be away makes me also wonder if he was having any clarity at that time to allow someone with dementia to even make a decision that was going to be very hard on you. I’d prob schedule a visit once a month and maybe spend the night nearby so you aren’t overly tired or stressed. The good thing is they have no concept of time so he may think you’re there all the time… this is the case with mine… I do visit at least once a week sometimes twice but he can walk past me and not know who I am . Do not harbor any guilt at all but now pick up the pieces of this broken life and live for you. Those of us on here are in the same boat but just at different parts of the journey but it all will end the same. I encourage caregiver counseling for all and I also have some individual for me. This because as fairly recent retirees in 60’s dealing with this as a result of a car accident our lives are no longer together. Make sure all legal docs and POA in effect to protect you both. Most importantly know you are not alone. Do they remember birthdays .. no nor anniversaries nothing but we do ,so celebrate with fam and friends and remember the love you had and have.

It doesn't sound like your husband has memory loss. If he did, he wouldn't know the difference if family was visiting, or what, who they are. If he is just physically impaired, maybe he could leave the facility for a few weeks. Depends on severity of his impairment. If he truly has memory loss, too much moving in and out can cause the patient memory disruption, "where am I", I can go down the street, I know this area (probably doesn't remember it). ETC. If he is in a facility because of physical needs not memory care, then maybe it would be okay to let him home for a little vacation. But, if he is in memory care for memory loss, definitely do not upset his routine. I have been there, done that, don't upset him more than necessary. Visitiing family can visit him, however, and it is a good idea. . My thought is that since he chose the facility he wanted to be in, he must not have memory loss, just physical loss. If so, maybe a small vacation home would fit in. But if he is there for memory loss, it only will confuse him more. Been there, done that!!

OP: "I could also let him stay at the facility at the coast which is 5 minutes from me and see if he likes it"

I haven't had a similar situation, so I am only speaking from what I would consider if it were me. However, I would seriously consider the advice others (with experience) are giving. First thing, have you ever done anything similar since he has moved to the facility and if so, consider how that went.

If I felt strongly about the facility that is 5 minutes away, then I would consider taking him there but only if I were serious about moving him with no looking back. I would not take him to your beach home, (even for a party) especially if he has ever been there before. I would not allow all the family to visit him, only a few who had a special relationship with him.

It seems to be a situation that needs serious consideration before doing anything that can make his and/or your life more difficult. My heart goes out to you as this is a difficult situation to be in to know you are making the best decision for both of you. As someone else mentioned, if you have him there you will not be able to totally relax and enjoy the time that is set aside to celebrate you.

Consider the "what-ifs" like how would you handle it if he got down there and insisted coming right back to his familiar surroundings. I would think you, personally, may need bring him back to minimize having to start all over with the acclimation. I would not want to have to face that in the middle of such a big weekend.

One thing to be sure of is if you are wanting to do it for him, yourself, or the family. Whatever you do, do it for the right reasons or you will probably regret it. Just remember others who may be encouraging you, saying they will help and everything will be fine... they do not know him as well as you do and would probably never think of the "what-ifs" that you consider major!

To be perfectly honest, I think that you've had a good outcome. You must miss your husband terribly, but it must be a comfort to know that he has settled into his new home and is happy there.

I think that you risk upsetting him in so many different ways by taking him back to your home. It isn't his home anymore and he might become distressed and ask to go home. That would also be heartbreaking for you.

If you take him to stay in the facility near you, he won't know where he is and will probably become frightened.
It's possible that a big party will be overwhelming for him, and he would become anxious.
Also, that's a long trip for someone in his condition.

Ultimately, it would not be in your husband's best interest to take him away from his new home, where he feels safe.

I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with. You also need to give yourself time and space to adjust to your new situation - having the support of family will help.
Enjoy your birthday. Let yourself feel a little sad for a short while, as you remember how things were and how you imagined they would be. Then, say thank you to those memories, and enjoy what you do have today.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

I would say pose to the medical staff but would imagine it might be disruptive and then maybe issues resettling
i guess it depends on your father’s abity to cope which you already mentioned had some settling in issues
2.5 months is too soon to add complications to his life- it may trigger memories best kept in a box and make him sad ..
the potential repercussions may be too great. Maybe you can arrange for some or someone in the family to join you on a visit instead and have a die I’ll day and maybe a treasured photo
of the day for keepsake

Go get him in the morning for your birthday then return him to the facility.

No once he comes home he will never want to leave. It will only make things worse.

Bepperboo: Depending on your husband's health (you don't provide much detail on your profile), it may not be a good idea to remove him from the facility for the party for five days.

No, don't do it. Take the family to visit him. Others on this forum have given you very good reasons why you should leave him there.

Following up on my last post, I’ll tell you our experience of a NH about 3 hours drive away, going on for about 5 years. My DH was in many ways the ‘most important’ son – oldest, reliable, caring, dependable etc etc. MIL was mid-90s and aging, but no dementia. DH phoned MIL for an hour at lunch time every 2 days, and visited every fortnight, occasionally only once a month. The visit basically took a whole day, with 6 hours driving. The long distance was partly because it was a very good NH, and we were a fair way out of town on our farm anyway.

It worked well, partly because visits were a quicker and easier drive for son 2 and SIL, who visited weekly. Son 3, less often, but still OK. We all coped with a very time consuming schedule, and MIL had enough support. Clean consciences all round.

Now that you have some experience under your belt, perhaps it would be good to look at what reality is turning out to be like in total for your F. Are the ‘home-coming’ feelings and the old friend visits wearing off? Does he have the more frequent visits that my DH’s brothers could provide? If you follow the general suggestions, probably you don’t try to bring F down to the family gathering, but take a video and lots of pictures to show him on your next visit. Take a photos of him beforehand, to show the others at your gathering, and video them looking at them. My feeling would be not to try to make it interactive with him and the actual gathering, as that may well rub in that he isn’t really there. Afterwards when you talk about it might be a good time to suggest that he would have more to enjoy if he was down closer to you. Perhaps in a few month’s time, Dad?
Best wishes, Margaret

Don't be in a hurry to disrupt his routine. He's still early in the process of adjusting. I'll preface my comments by saying that every situation is different as is every person with dementia, so there is no way to predict how a disruption will play out. In my case my husband has been in memory care for 14 months. A couple of months in when I (naively) thought he had "adjusted," I took him to the local symphony concert and decided to bring him to the dining room of the retirement community (where we lived together for 7 years and I still live) for dinner afterwards. All went smoothly until it was time to go back to the facility when all hell broke loose. So much for that idea. After a few more months and stopping for coffee several times on the way back from a doctor or dentist appointment with no problems, I chanced bringing him for lunch. That went much better--no problems going "home." I've done that about once a month since, still with no problems. In fact although he no longer remembers anyone, when people come up to greet him, he just glows. Until today. I took him to the symphony (as I have all along), stopped for take-out, and brought him to my apartment (which he only occasionally recognizes) to eat (and feed the dog). Long story short--it's now nearly 11 PM, and he's been refusing to go to the car since we finished dinner four hours ago. Even after over a year I feel like he's unpredictable. It'll be a while before I consider that again! I think an evening visit for him is especially unpredictable due to sundowning, which is probably why lunches have been almost problem-free. Lesson learned. Overall he does best with his normal routine.

I also don't tell my husband about things that could cause him anxiety. My son and daughter-in-law took me to Japan for two weeks last month. His concept of time is kaput, so I didn't tell him, and he didn't have any idea that I hadn't visited him. Likewise I told him nothing substantial about the squamous cell cancer he was diagnosed with last summer (and had removed surgically), nor will I tell him anything unnecessary about the PET scan later this week to determine the status of a new lump. I do find it difficult not to be able to share things that are weighing on me, like the cancer, or the joy of a trip to Japan.

Not only confusion but
Disruption of his routine
A lot of people
A lot of noise and commotion
And will he actually "know" all the people that will be at your party?
If family wants to see him or if you want to include him it might be best to bring a small group of people to see him.

Now I have a question for you.
Since he wanted to be in the facility he chose because he could see his old friends....
How many of his friends have visited him in the 2 1/2 months he has been there?
If the answer is he has had fewer than 16 visits then he might be better in a facility that is easier for you.

Heck no!

Let him stay settled.

If his friends haven’t visited him, then it may be worth reconsidering an AL closer to you after all. But if he’s getting attention, peace and comfort from his locale, then let it be.

I would also consider Alva Deers response about a potential legal separation or divorce if it would benefit both of you financially. Consult an elder attorney.

And dont mention birthday or party, he’s on a different wavelength now and this will simply be white noise to him.

Best of luck.

OP’s husband wanted to go back to the home town where he had been Mayor for some years, involved in local affairs, quite an important person locally. In fact this is one more version of wanting to go back a few years to when everything (particularly your own health) was ‘better’. Now his old mates are older too, probably less mobile, and local affairs priorities will have changed. If it isn’t working out as he hoped, and it’s quite hard for OP, it’s worth suggesting to OP that she can change her mind about the facility location – even if it’s just this family affair that makes the problem clearer than it was before. OP decided that 'home town' was worth a try, and change isn't easy, but this could go on for a very long time.

Best case everything goes right and you have a terrific birthday celebration. Worst case, he gets confused and/or agitated and it ruins your birthday celebration. I would not run the risk of that. Arrange it so that you can Facetime with him on the morning of your birthday and when you're getting ready to bring out the birthday cake. Let him see your family, say his hello's, and then get back to your guests.

This post has sparked a lot of discussion.

I am like Alva. It’s frustrating when an OP doesn’t respond with additional information. We are in the dark about what is happening without receiving any feedback from the OP.

When I asked the OP questions about this situation, sp and Fawnby answered me. If they hadn’t told me what was going on, I wouldn’t have even known the background story.

The OP hasn’t answered any of our questions.

OP, if you are reading our responses to your question, we would love to hear back from you.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to drive for four hours each way to visit your husband.

I understand that you wanted to please your husband but there are two people in a marriage, which means compromises often have to be made.

Birthdays are nice celebrations but I don’t think they should be a top priority. I wouldn’t rock the boat by taking him out for celebrations.

Lastly, if the real issue is that you are finding that the commute is becoming too much for you, then address that situation.

If you choose to move him to the facility near you, you will go through a setback. He will have to adjust to his new surroundings, but if it is better for you, then do it.

Don’t fret over decisions that you made previously. You did what you felt was best then.

Start focusing on the here and now and adjust accordingly. Remaining in an indecisive position is unsettling. You will feel better once you find a plan that works for each of you.

How often are these people that were in his past life visiting him? If he was closer to you, you could visit him more frequently and not be as exhausted from the long trip.

Wishing you all the best.

Bepperboo, you posted a very good question that a lot of families would probably be interested in hearing the advice. All these amazing caregivers took the time to respond with great advice and you just disappear! It’s like people that text you with a question and you immediately respond and they never read it! Bizarre and borderline rude, IMHO.
That being said, you don’t take a man with dementia out of his comfort zone for a freaking birthday party 4 hour drive away! He will be so confused! Is there any common sense here? It’s your birthday so YOU celebrate it. Or, you could move your family celebration to HIM, but, that’s sometimes so overwhelming for a person with dementia. Everyone is different with their triggers with dementia, but, bringing him 4 hours away (not 10 minutes) is a big mistake! At least if he was closer you could drive him back immediately and bring him to his familiar comfort zone. Not saying his old home isn’t comfort, but, having the “entire family” coming in? Big mistake!