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akababy7 Asked March 2021

Siblings accuse me of things that I did not do. Advice?

I have posted before on my siblings' behaviors but they still accuse me of things that I did not do. I guess it is not going to stop. Recently my brother accused me of banning them from picking up momma in assisted living. It is allowed now. He sent me a nasty, ugly text message saying that I was making momma unhappy and I am taking everything away from her. I think momma complains to him and does not understand the logic behind these rules but I am the one that gets blamed and shamed. The scapegoat. Brother is the golden child. I did not do such a thing. I did ban them from seeing her in her apt because they were bringing in bed bugs for seven months and we spent over $7000.00 in the process. I was tired of driving over 5 hrs each way to clean them up but that has been a rule for over a year and a half. Recently was also accused that I was going to override the will and not give them their share of the inheritance. I don't know where they come up with this stuff but I cannot do that legally nor would I. There have been other things that I will not list because it is a long list. I have medical and financial POA for momma and her main caregiver for 10 years now. I have never received any help from any of them. I don't have any contact with my neice because she spent all of her college money up in a year and a half and we did not give her any more after she asked so she is mad at momma and me. Neice sent me nasty, ugly text messages - I guess she learned that from her dad. She won't go see momma when they were doing window visits. It has been almost two years and she has seen her once. This was before the virus that the college money thing happened. Husband and I do not drive over for Christmas anymore because of an incident that happened two years ago. I do have some contact with my sister and of course I talk to momma every two to three days and try to go see her when possible. I even drive 5 hrs over there just for a 30 minute window visit. But my brother, his wife and my neice have all been very cruel. I know - I can block their text and phone calls. Since we lost dad and momma made me financial POA it has been like this but now it is like 100 times worse. Every year it gets worse. Is it because they are getting impatient on waiting for momma to die so they can get their money? Money has always always been an issue. I don't have a family anymore. Oh - get this - momma takes up and lies for all of them. Being doing that for years. Even before we lost dad. During the bed bug issue - one incident I was washing 5 huge bags of clothes, taking care of an 86 year old in a hotel, drove her to all of her favorite restaurants and all she did was complain the whole weekend. She lives in one of the best assisted living facilities in the city. That was when I put a ban on siblings and no sooner than I got in the car to drive back to Atlanta - momma went downstairs to talk to somebody to allow brother back into the facility. Six weeks later. Nurse calls me. Momma has bed bugs again. Facility has brother on camera sneaking into facility up to mommas room. I told nurse he can clean it up and charge him the $475.00 cleaning fee. Momma lies and defends brother left and right. She even called my uncle and wanted him to reprimend me and then call her back and tell her what was said. Momma tells me "you seem to forget who the momma is". No I have not forgotten but that does not mean that I am going to be treated like that! Don't care who you are. This is only part of what I have been dealing with. I know how this sounds but I dread the part that I am going to have to deal with siblings after we lose momma - I am her trustee and also the executor of her will - but I will be glad when it is over. So tired.

akababy7 Mar 2021
Yes I agree about the boundaries and that is what I have been doing but I still have to talk to momma and she is part of the problem too. Siblings never call me or e-mail me anyway. It is just nasty ugly text messages. I had to hang up on momma about two weeks ago and it was awful. Did she get the message? Don't think so.

AlvaDeer Mar 2021
AKA, do also know that you can hire a fiduciary if your Mom's assets allow such expenditure. A licensed Fiduciary can do all the work you are doing, or any portion you assign him or her to do for you. This will further relieve you. I agree with you that giving your POA over to a brother you believe incapable of doing it with accuracy and honesty would be unwise. Do keep meticulous records lest they try to actually TAKE POA in some way if they are listed as seconds. Sure wish you good luck. Set limits. That's all you can do, for both Mom and the sibbles.
akababy7 Mar 2021
Thank you very much about hire a fiduciary. Momma does have very good assets. Neice already tried to get momma to change her POA. She tried right after momma and me told her no we will not give her any more money for her college education since she spent it up and should have used it more wisely.

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JoAnn29 Mar 2021
You have in your Profile that Mom has a Dementia. She is very vulnerable and probably believes everything ur siblings tell her. I am assuming here that the house was sold.

You really need to block these people. Then you have no idea if they have contacted you or not. All you need to worry about is Mom. I would tell the AL that they can ban your brother for the reason, seems he is bringing bed bugs into Moms room. I was asked when I placed Mom into an AL who could take her out. I guess I could request people not being able to visit.

I was going to suggest revoking ur POA but Mom having Dementia means she can't assign someone else. Being 5 hrs away is a double edged sword. Really too far to be there all the time but far enough from siblings I doubt if they would come banging on ur door.
akababy7 Mar 2021
I can resign my poa and it goes to brother. It is in her papers. I have already spoken with attorney about this. Momma will be kicked to the curb and all of her money would be spent! Yes her house was sold when she went into assisted living 2 and half years ago. I have never had her officially diagnosed with dementia. When she was in intensive care for two weeks suffering from hematomas the drs said they saw dementia on her cat and MRI scans.
AlvaDeer Mar 2021
I am so sorry. I can see why you need to vent. The bedbugs alone would have tipped me off the scales of sanity. A neighbor fought them a year or so ago when she did a house exchange on vacation. Most expensive and heart rending results to a vacation ever.
You pretty much know who these folks are and what they will do after 10 years of this. Unlikely that this will change. Just am so very glad to hear that Mom is now in assisted living. This will give you some breathing space.
akababy7 Mar 2021
Thank you for your words. Momma has been in assisted living for over two years now and I don't feel like it has much improved my breathing space. We are not taking care of a 2800 square foot house anymore that she was living in and I take care of 100% of her finances but all of this other drama continues and gets worse every year. Sorry, but Momma is just as bad as they are.

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