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Lizz741 Asked February 2021

My aging mother wants a grandchild. She’s pushy and stubborn even if I told her I don’t want a child. What can I do to make her understand?

Hi. I’m a 33 year old female and I’m really struggling with my 65 year old mother. Well, she wants a grandchild from me even though she already has 2 grandkids from my brother who are still little.
I don’t feel comfortable having a baby because even though I’m in a serious relationship, I feel like my boyfriend is abusive sometimes. I think he might have bipolar disorder because his personality changes all the time. I already told my mom that even though I’m still with my boyfriend our relationship is not always well. Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility. I don’t want more stress than what I already have.


Even if I told her my boyfriend and I struggle in our relationship she still goes on and on that having a baby is wonderful. She doesn’t understand it’s my choice. I used to ignore her comments but I’m already sick of having to make her understand that I won’t bring a human being into this world if I don’t have stability in my relationship. I don’t want to put up a fake smile for a baby while I might be miserable inside dealing with my own problems.


My mom seems obsessed about being a grandma. One time I went on vacation with my parents for a week and all she did during the entire trip was talk about her grand daughter and how much she “missed her”. When I talk to my mom about my job, my dream of buying a house, or going to Europe with her, she acts like it’s a boring thing to talk about. All she cares is about me having children. She thinks that should be my ultimate goal in life.


Last night I couldn’t sleep because she brought the subject again when I clearly explained children were not on my plans. Since she goes to church, she told me that I should listen to the preacher’s message. I heard it and the preacher was basically praying for all women that couldn’t conceive. The message was about reproduction. Ahhhhh why is she so stubborn? I feel like I will have to cut her off from my life if she treats me like a child making machine and not an actual human being. 


What can I do to make her understand it’s a personal choice?

Geaton777 Feb 2021
"Having a baby has completely improved my relationship and made my life easier" SAID NO WOMAN EVER.

You can stop trying to reason with her since it's obvious that's never going to work. When she launches in change the subject abruptly to something totally unrelated. If she keeps going back to it just keep changing the subject. Is she escalates, walk out of the room, put in ear buds or whatever blocks her. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Good luck!

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2021
Get out of the abusive relationship.

Walk out when your mother starts the baby talk.

Your mother sounds a little "off". Pay no attention to her rants. Forge your own path to happiness.

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Daughterof1930 Feb 2021
You simply can’t make your mother or anyone else do or understand anything. Her beliefs will always be her own. But the good news is that you’re an adult and you don’t have to discuss your choices with anyone, mom included. Don’t talk about it again, it’s an endless loop that you’ve already answered. Don’t listen to it, leave when the subject comes up. And though you didn’t ask, and I’m a total stranger, it’s my hope for you that you’ll get out of an abusive relationship and choose a better life for yourself than that. You deserve it!

ZippyZee Feb 2021
Get a pet and constantly refer to it as your child, and her grandchild.

Constantly.

Insist on bringing it with you when you visit her ("she's my baby....")

The more unusual the pet, the better (snakes work great for this trick since you can wear them around your neck like a tie and have your hands free).
cherokeegrrl54 Feb 2021
OMG im literally laffing so hard i almost fell off my bed. This is priceless!!!!!
thanks for the stress relief, i sure needed it!!! Im going through tests the next couple of weeks that may be a cancer diagnosis. So every chance i get to laugh, i take it. Again thank you!! Liz
notgoodenough Feb 2021
Good grief, if your relationship is rocky, kids certainly won't make it any smoother!

I have often said you need a strong marriage to survive children!

I'm more concerned with your boyfriend. Has he been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It is a terrible disease. A few of my co-workers had wives with bipolar disorder. One wife killed herself, leaving her husband with their young daughter. One wife spent so much money on mail-orders -unbeknownst to her husband, since she had everything delivered to her work address and rented several storage units - they had to file for bankruptcy. My uncle was also bipolar, and ended up with a compulsive hoarding disorder, since he stopped taking medication once he retired from the Navy. He died alone in his house surrounded by his hoard.

If you intend to forge out a life with this man, I think you need to lay it on the line - either he gets professional help for his mental problems, whatever they are, or you walk. And even then, be ready for the long haul through life - one of the reasons bipolar disorder is so difficult is the patient has to forever be tweaking medications, and from my understanding it's a lot of trial and error.

As far as mom goes - tell her you are DONE with the kid conversation. When she brings it up either 1) hang up or 2) leave. Tell her you will talk to her again once she can get over her obsession with kids.

Good luck!

LoopyLoo Feb 2021
Forget what your mom says and leave the boyfriend!!

funkygrandma59 Feb 2021
I think your "pushy" mom is the least of your worries. You(and her) should be more concerned that you are choosing to stay with a man who is abusive to you. Do you not feel that you deserve better, or that no one else will love you? Please never tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone, and seek counseling if necessary. You don't ever want to bring an innocent child into an abusive relationship. Perhaps if your mom understood this, she wouldn't keep pestering you. Might be time to be more honest with your mom, about your abusive relationship with your boyfriend, and then please get rid of him.

lealonnie1 Feb 2021
Is your mother possibly suffering from dementia or some form of mental illness as yet undiagnosed? If the answer is no, then it's none of her business why you don't have children. You're not even married, so it's not so common for women of your mother's age to be pushing for grandchildren which makes me wonder about her mental health. Obsessive and selfish fixations of this magnitude suggest there could be more going on than meets the eye. How rich to bring in the religious sermon too.....what, pray tell, would this preacher have to say about you being an unwed mother.....boy would he have prayers THEN, huh?🤣

Anyway, what's concerning about your post to me, as a mom myself, is that you're with an abusive and mentally unstable man. Please think hard about ending this relationship right away and respect yourself enough to not tolerate ANY abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason. Mental illness is no pass for mistreating you. I have a bipolar step daughter and let me tell you, my tolerance for her is almost non existent. I cannot and will not subject myself to her behavior because it's off the wall.

If you need to, have a conversation with your mother and let her know her obsession with you having "her grandchild" is driving a big wedge between you and if she doesn't cut the crap immediately, you will cut HER out of YOUR life. Which you don't want to do.

Toxic people wreak havoc and cause unnecessary chaos and ulcers in our lives. Even when they come in the form of boyfriends and mother's. They don't have the right to ruin our peace or strip the joy from our lives. Don't allow it any longer, you deserve more
cherokeegrrl54 Feb 2021
Amen to all of this!!!! Especially the toxic, abusive man. Take care of that first!!! Care and respect yourself first, before anyone else. That includes your toxic mother!
Maple3044 Feb 2021
I had no children by choice. After the 99th time my mother asked when I was going to have a baby, I told her I didn't know how to be a good mother, because I never had a role model. That ended that.
Countrymouse Feb 2021
Ouch! - but funny :)
Beatty Feb 2021
Be you.
Be ok with being you.

Time for some Billy Joel:

I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE

And my personal favourite...

You can speak your mind, but not on my time

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