My aging mother wants a grandchild. She’s pushy and stubborn even if I told her I don’t want a child. What can I do to make her understand?

You can safely ignore your mom. Tell her you are going to leave the room any time she mentions children, and then do it. Eventually she will catch on. If you argue about it, she just gets the idea that it might be possible to change your mind. Plus, you are too young to be committing to spend your life with an abusive BF. Mental illness is usually a lifetime problem and people don’t grow out of it or get miraculously cured. Is your relationship helping advance your dreams of owning a home and traveling the world? What will happen when you are 65 and your partner is the same or worse? It can be good to take a small break from the relationship to see how it feels. Do you feel happier, lighter, better without him?

At it's heart this is an issue about control.
Your mom treats you like a child.
She's willing to withhold her approval and is dismissive of you if you go off script and talk about normal adult things like buying a home or traveling. She doesn't care if you have a child in or out of a good or bad relationship. That's not relevant to her. This is all about getting her needs met, not those of you or your child. In her mind you might as well push out that grandaughter for her pronto, and she can continue to insert herself into your life as well as the baby's. She's at the ready to pick up the pieces if your relationship fails. That's why she's down the street from you.
No. More. Kid. Talk.
Remove yourself from the conversation when she gets going. If she persists then no more talking/visiting.

Also, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Your mood swinging boyfriend with a temper. If it were one of your friends you would tell them...what?

Why on earth would you possibly stress yourself out to your mother about a baby? It is NOT her business and it seems like she is old, maybe stubborn with dementia setting in. She has no idea what is realistic and you owe her NO explanations whatsoever. I have two comments to make (based on experience). If your boyfriend is bi-polar, god help you - you don't know how terrible these people can be with ever-changing personalities and it will get worse. Do you really want to be with someone like that forever and always walk on egg shells. Think long and hard. And as to the baby situation, tell her firmly and strongly (probably won't shut her up) to give you peace to shut up and when it happens, she'll be the first to know. Why not pretend and simply say that you are "trying". Don't pay attention to her and if she keeps upsetting you so much, why are you so involved with her. Get away from her.

I posted my comment (mostly about how to deal with your mother) before reading the other comments. Just finished reading through and there's a good majority that are advising against this relationship with BF. Mom's comments and badgering are annoying, but the BF issues could be a warning.

Same applies to him as to mom - you can't change other people. IF he has times when he is abusive, more often than not that will increase over time. Not in a week, or two, a month, a year, but gradually over time it can increase. The problem is that it is insidious - you won't notice it since it is so gradual.

Perhaps he is okay, perhaps not. It's just very common to have these incidents, and then apologies and being okay... for a while. Rinse. Repeat.

In a discussion with one of my kids' teachers, she related all these with her husband. She'd leave with the kids, and he'd come crawling, all apologies, promising to never do it again... You get the picture. IF this resembles your relationship, AT ALL, then you are in for trouble. Be honest with yourself. You don't have to answer to us, but you DO have to look out for yourself.

My ex was a master at verbal abuse. It wasn't until HE went to a counselor to paint ME as the bad guy, with intent to fight to take the kids (his way to hurt me, he never really spent his time with the kids when they were with him!) I only went because I suspected he was up to no good. After one visit each, then another together, this counselor threw it all at him! Guilty of verbal abuse and neglect! So, it opened my eyes. By then I was starting to think this was all my fault (also part of their game.)

Only you know what he's really like. Sure, you can love him, when he's not being abusive, but....

"The reason why I’m still with my boyfriend is because I love him. He can be nice and sweet sometimes but I think he has some underlying problems, as he gets angry over small things and he switches personalities often."

This doesn't sound hopeful. Being angry sometimes, even over small things, we can all be there, but changing personality? Time for a good long look at how this is going and how it will end.

"Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility."

You ARE the correct one here. The worst thing to do in an iffy relationship is add a baby/child to it!

Ignoring her hasn't seemed to work. Perhaps a little fib, telling her you've tried and been tested and found out you are infertile? Anything just to shut her up (although I can verbalize the next steps in my head...)

Personally I would just continue ignoring her. When she starts, suddenly you have to go - appt, work, meeting, whatever, no excuse at all, just say gotta go and leave or hangup the phone.

I wanted kids, but did not like being treated as just the vessel that brought them forth for my then MIL. Literally, that's all I was. I could be mid-sentence and realize she wasn't listening, focused on the kids. That's fine, but most people will realize and at some point ask "What were you saying?" Not with this one. She tried to monopolize as much time as she could get and still wasn't happy about it. I understand her "need", because her own mother died when she was 15, so never got to be a grandmother. My SIL, her daughter, never had any kids, didn't want any, so I was it. However it was a BIT over the top.

FWIW, my daughter at about age 5 announced she didn't want to have kids. She hasn't and it isn't likely she will. That is fine, it's her life, her body. Doesn't matter if I want grandkids or not. Not My Choice!

Try not to let her pushing and comments eat at you. It IS your life, not hers. It IS your choice, not hers. If you have some headphones, pop them in, smile at her as you dance away for the door. You aren't likely to change her. We can only change ourselves and how we react to situations. It isn't likely she will ever understand or accept your stance on this, so it is pointless to argue, explain or discuss this with her. Tune her out and Exit Stage Left when she starts.

You never know. She *might* eventually get the hint, if you keep at it.

Also, be more aware of BF. You don't want to get stuck in an abusive relationship. Mom you can learn to tune out, BF will be more difficult.

Tell your mother when the pandemic is over, she can be a “baby cuddler” at the hospital. They have them here in Upstate New York, I’m sure they have them in your area. Volunteer to cuddle the newborn babies!!

She can only get under your skin if you continue to allow her to repeat this conversation. You must be firm in refusing to discuss the topic with her. If she continues, get up and leave the room, or the house (or hang up if on the phone.) Right now she has no reason to stop harassing you about it, because you are the only one upset. You owe her no explanations as to your relationship with your boyfriend, wanting stability, stress, etc. It is none of her business. Your reasons are your own.

Be you.
Be ok with being you.

Time for some Billy Joel:

I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE

And my personal favourite...

You can speak your mind, but not on my time

If you're talking about taking a trip to Europe with mom, I can only assume she has no dementia. She just harrasses you about having children.

Don't have a discussion with her about kids. If she starts, you say you don't want to discuss it, please stop. If it starts again, tell her you are going to have to leave if she can't talk about something else. One more time, leave. When you talk about things you want to do in life - don't discuss it as a reply to her pushing you to have kids. Just talk about your hopes/dreams when there is no discussion about kids.

This is no where near a good reason to cut her out of your life. Just get more control over the conversation - do NOT respond to comments about kids. Say 'stop' and change the subject or leave so she gets it that the conversation is off limits.

Your grandmother may not be able to "let it go". . Your problem is not your grandmother it is your desire to have your grandmother agree and respect your position. Sounds like it might be a cold day in hell before she does that - so just move on. Just say thank you grandma for your advice, I'll take it under consideration and then do what you want. DON"T engage in a discussion.

Thank you so much for all your advice. The reason why I’m still with my boyfriend is because I love him. He can be nice and sweet sometimes but I think he has some underlying problems, as he gets angry over small things and he switches personalities often.
But it surprises me that my mom’s only concern is her dream of having a grand baby. She seems to not care about my well being at all because I’ve talked to her about my boyfriend’s character but she still thinks I should reproduce anyway.
she is also creepy sometimes because a year ago she moved closer to me (down the street). And she told me she did that because she needed to take care of my future baby. I never even spoke about having any babies and she’s making her own plans. A little weird....

OMGosh---

I have 4 daughters and 1 son. One thing I NEVER EVER EVER discussed with them was the extremely personal choice about having children. EVER.

I have 14 grandkids. They are all amazing and wonderful and enjoyable and all that stuff---and I am fulfilled. BUT, I was fulfilled as a mother, too.

My youngest daughter is not having children. She thought it would break my heart, although I don't know why she'd think that! I can love on the gkids that I have AND not miss the ones I 'don't' have. My eldest daughter was on the fence about having kids and waited 10 years of marriage before she decided to have kids. I never bothered her one bit--having raised 5 kids, I KNEW it was not a cakewalk and that it came with equal amounts of joy and heartache. When my OD told us she was having a baby, I thought she was going to tell us that she was having a tubal ligation so she couldn't get pregnant. Being a mom has been very hard on her, she is not naturally nurturing, and she's has some hard moments. She has no regrets, but having 3-10+ lb babies has wreaked havoc on her body, for sure. And her career has been derailed--trying to get back into it is hard when you take 15 years off!

YD is having a tubal ligation this year to celebrate her 35th birthday. She and her hubby are fabulous as an aunt and uncle and they enjoy the grands, but have zero desire to have kids. NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHATSOEVER.

I had no children by choice. After the 99th time my mother asked when I was going to have a baby, I told her I didn't know how to be a good mother, because I never had a role model. That ended that.

You could say to your Mother:
"Mom, I don't believe you are done appreciating your own child yet."

Could it be that your mother is of the old mentallity that all good women are not complete until they have experienced motherhood? Mine was. I didnt have a child until I was 38-I know, RISKY. My two sisters never married or had children. They didn't want to.

We had to have a "Coming to Jesus" talk with mom. Explaining that I didn't HEAR the biological clock ticking. Sister 1 wanted a career and travel. Sister 2 simply didn't want children. Then point out that SHE had HER choice, leave me have mine. You need to point out the hurtful things, the selfish way she is acting and the dissapointment you feel because you are not HER baby factory. She'll get it. PS You will have to repeat this speech to her again, and again, and.....

Tell Mom you have to go one step at a time -- you haven't found a father yet.

It's your life and a very personal decision. Not everyone has the desire to be parents. When your mom starts this conversation excuse yourself and leave or get off the phone. Eventually she may get it. Tell her you are praying about it and maybe that will shut her up.
Agree with text below, dump the boyfriend. He is not good for you either. Do not settle or wait for the worst to happen.

In all the years I have gone to Church, I never heard a Minister preach on reproduction and praying for barren women. That is such an intimate subject. It is between a husband and a wife. Yes, it should be discussed before marriage but again between the engaged couple. I feel for those woman in his congregation who would have loved to have a child and couldn't.

Sounds like you need boundaries. Next time this comes up, calmly and slowly explain to your mother, I do not want children, this is not your business, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. If you bring it up again I will leave. The next time it comes up, say got to go mom and out the door you go, no further discussion required. Repeat as often as necessary.

And while you’re at it, please find a new boyfriend.

Right after I got out of Grad school and secured a job, the first thing my grandmother insisted on was that I marry and had as many children as possible as quickly as possible. She would not let it go. We had about 4-5 serious discussions about me becoming a parent. She persisted till I finally looked her dead in the face and said. “I don’t want children, drop it, don’t bring it up again, if you bring up the topic again, I will get up, walk out and never visit you again”.  She burst into tears I then said ”I’m not sorry for hurting your feelings, but what I am sorry about is that you feel that in order for me to be acceptable in your eyes I have to have children”. She never brought up the topic with me again.  Sometimes you just have to be blunt till it sinks in.

First of all, stop trying to justify why you don't want to have kids. You're a 33 old grown woman. Do you pay your own bills and provide for yourself? Then you don't owe anyone, not even your mother, an explanation for how you live your life. So you stop making excuses for why you're not having a baby. It's not about your man having bi-polar, but if there's problems in your relationship having a child together will not improve the situation. It will make it worse. You say he's abusive to you at times. If he's abusive to you AT ANY TIME, you should not be in a relationship with him. You don't want to have kids, and there's nothing wrong with that. There are many couples who enjoy long and happy marriages because they didn't have kids. Everyone doesn't have to reproduce. Certainly my parents should not have had kids.
Your mom calling to talk about the preacher's sermon on women and reproduction was not her not being "stubborn". It's being rude, disrespectful, and cruel. Please stand up for yourself to your mother.
Is your brother your only sibling? If he is then the next time mom gets on you about having a baby because she wants many grandkids, tell her that she should have thought of that when she was still in her child-bearing years. It was her responsibility to make sure there was a baby in the cradle every year like devout, old-school Catholics. If she did this when she was young and had a dozen kids then she'd have a whole bunch of grandkids now.
She didn't do that though. It's not up to you to fulfill her wishes of having babies around.
There's a volunteer program that's sort of like Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, except it's for kids who don't have grandparents. Someone like your mom would probably be great for some kid who needs a grandma.
So, you live your life as you wish and by your rules. Good luck.

several thoughts here - 1) if your boyfriend is abusive - it will only get worse the longer you are together - don't accept anyone treating you this way. My sister lived for years with a boyfriend that was controlling and verbally abusive. She thought he would change. After ten years of living together - she thought he would change. Nope. Two years later they had a child - she thought he would change. Not only did he not change - he got worse. He said that since he was the MAN of the house - he should earn the money and she should quit her job and stay home full time with the child. Now she has moved out of a vibrant city to a small rural town of under 500, homeschooling her 8 year old, and we never see her. This was a woman who traveled the world and had a masters degree.

2) re your mom - you do not have to get her to change her mind - she won't, that is her problem, not yours. Do not get into a discussion about this. "mom, we've talked about this already, i'm not going there any more" if she insists - you leave or hang up "sorry mom, love you, but gotta go" eventually she'll get the idea that she can't bring this up with you. Boundaries are for you. She doesn't have to agree or approve of your decisions. You have the right to not discuss this.

It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself politely and more often. It took counseling to help me - am i glad i did!

I agree with everyone's advice re your abusive boyfriend.

I am wondering about one other thing, though. Your profile says you take care of your mother. What do you do for her? Make sure you don't end up being the one who becomes her elder caregiver. She is bugging you now about children, but in the future she will be bugging you about many many more thing. Beware.

What are her plans for her future? Is she retired? Does she live by herself? What is her financial situation? 65 is NOT old (at all!), but since you wrote that you take care of her, I am wondering.

"Have one yourself if you want a baby!" /s would be my stock response. ;-)

Wow. It sounds like she’s living in ancient times where women had to procreate or they were looked down upon. Perhaps let her know it’s the year 2021...women have choices now 😆

Is your mother possibly suffering from dementia or some form of mental illness as yet undiagnosed? If the answer is no, then it's none of her business why you don't have children. You're not even married, so it's not so common for women of your mother's age to be pushing for grandchildren which makes me wonder about her mental health. Obsessive and selfish fixations of this magnitude suggest there could be more going on than meets the eye. How rich to bring in the religious sermon too.....what, pray tell, would this preacher have to say about you being an unwed mother.....boy would he have prayers THEN, huh?🤣

Anyway, what's concerning about your post to me, as a mom myself, is that you're with an abusive and mentally unstable man. Please think hard about ending this relationship right away and respect yourself enough to not tolerate ANY abuse from ANYONE for ANY reason. Mental illness is no pass for mistreating you. I have a bipolar step daughter and let me tell you, my tolerance for her is almost non existent. I cannot and will not subject myself to her behavior because it's off the wall.

If you need to, have a conversation with your mother and let her know her obsession with you having "her grandchild" is driving a big wedge between you and if she doesn't cut the crap immediately, you will cut HER out of YOUR life. Which you don't want to do.

Toxic people wreak havoc and cause unnecessary chaos and ulcers in our lives. Even when they come in the form of boyfriends and mother's. They don't have the right to ruin our peace or strip the joy from our lives. Don't allow it any longer, you deserve more

Just buy her one of those creepy reborn dolls LOL! She can get her baby fix whenever she wants.

You could try something that seems to work for my brother, who is the master at avoiding conflict.... Tell her you are really considering it and she will be the first to know. Whenever my brother was asked when he would do something, he would always reply "Soon".

My mother was mean and argumentative when she started drinking (pretty much the same time every day), and would always try to pick fights with someone in the family. One time she marched up to one of our teen-age sons and said, "Why don't you join the army? You should join the army!" Without missing a beat he said, "You're right, Grandma. I should do that." It completely took the wind out of her sails, and she went back in the kitchen to think of some other way to aggravate someone.

My point is, she may be trying to start an argument and sometimes the best thing to do is to out-maneuver her.

Get a pet and constantly refer to it as your child, and her grandchild.

Constantly.

Insist on bringing it with you when you visit her ("she's my baby....")

The more unusual the pet, the better (snakes work great for this trick since you can wear them around your neck like a tie and have your hands free).

It isn’t your mother’s life. It’s yours.

I used to work with a woman who was content being single.

People constantly asked her why wasn’t she married.

She would say, “I am happy being single.”

Some people are idiots! They would say things like, “Oh honey, you just haven’t met the right guy.”

People would try and set her up on blind dates. She refused their offers.

One day she was speaking to me at lunch about the busybodies at work.

I told her. “I am so sorry they are hounding you. Even if you do marry, it won’t stop.”

Certain people will always try and tell you how to live YOUR life and NOT because they have your best interest at heart.

I explained to my coworker that I was married but didn’t have kids.

These busybodies at work kept telling me to have a baby!

I explained to her that I had fertility issues and wanted children but I was not going to share my private life with busybodies!

Your mom is a busybody that is interfering in your life.

The only people who do this sort of thing are people that aren’t fully living their own lives.

So they feel the need to live vicariously through your life.

Don’t fall for it! Tune them out.

I give you credit for not wishing to procreate with an abusive man.

What I don’t quite understand though, is that if you don’t wish for your mom to interfere in your life and she doesn’t have a right to run the show. Nor does your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to rob your peace and joy either.

Men are not DIY projects. Stop wasting your time.

Value yourself for the wonderful person that you are.

Then you will find that you are attracting positive people in your life.

Very often people will treat you the way that you treat yourself.

Do not ever lose respect for yourself.

Surround yourself with people that appreciate you.

Best wishes to you.