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TakeFoxAway Asked October 2020

How do I approach my brother about yelling at my mom?

My brother has been living with my mother for 3 years. He burned out and is moving to another state. I will be moving her into assisted living in less than a month and will part time live with her.
He has taken very good care of all her physical needs, except he doesn't talk to her. They don't even eat together. He is a little on the Asperger-y' side. He has a lot of anger towards her because she was suspicious of him. She had this fantasy that he got the house sale check and hid it from her. We explained it's not true, but lately he occasionally really yells at her and even tells her her "mind is messed up". It borders on abusive. She doesn't understand. She's got some type of dementia coming on. She can take good care of herself but is a little paranoid sometimes and tends to blame him.
Should I talk to him about this and risk things getting worse by him getting angry at me too? And if I mention it, how would I do it? Would I say I think you're angry with her because she is suspicious of you and you're taking it out on her? He is very prickly and I am often afraid to get him angry too.
Thanks for any advice.

AlvaDeer Oct 2020
He is moving. I would just let everything proceed. There is no use opening a can of worms now I think.

lealonnie1 Oct 2020
If your brother is on the Asperger's spectrum, what's the use of talking to him about his behavior? In general, people with Aspergers have odd behavior as it is.......I know, I was married to someone like that for 22 years. They just don't 'get it', so let it go. Your mom is lucky to have you to help her out like this!


Wishing you the best of luck!
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
It’s true that is is hard to communicate with certain types. Hard for them. Hard for us. Not worth it!

She could thank him for doing a tough job and then move forward with her mom.

Caregiving is hard no matter what route is taken. Why do we have to grow old? Why can’t we hit our peak age and just stay there until we die? LOL

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Daughterof1930 Oct 2020
No, you shouldn’t talk to him. It will be a waste of effort and change nothing. Do whatever you can to expedite his move and help it happen soon, and if it’s possible for mom to move earlier, make that happen also. You can’t change or fix what’s going on with either of them, better to just get them apart quickly however you can make that happen. I have a sibling who’s unwell in every way. He was cruel to my dad when expected to be a caregiver and I had to get him away from the situation quickly. It’s a sad reality that I can’t make him act any better, but I know it’s true and I don’t try
TakeFoxAway Oct 2020
This was so helpful. Thank you so very much.
ZippyZee Oct 2020
Why are you going to part time live with her in assisted living? Is that even allowed?
TakeFoxAway Oct 2020
Hi Zippy,
It's actually independent living. On the campus they have 3 different levels. This is the first one.
I am going to live with her part time because I don't want her to be lonely and to partly make up for the battering her self esteem took from my brother.
There's a second bedroom. Since her memory is going they are happy about that and will allow it.
FloridaDD Oct 2020
He is carrying too much on his shoulders.  I note that YOU are not going to move in with mom, but rather move her to assisted living.  He has done the heavy lifting.  Thank him for his work, and tell him it will get better.   If she had dementia, she likely wont remember.
TakeFoxAway Oct 2020
No, I WILL be moving in with her about 4 of the days a week. Maybe you missed that? I had been taking care of BOTH my parents for about 10 years before he came on the scene. He had wanted to relieve me and get out of where he was living before. He wanted to break up with his girlfriend too.
Trust me, she will remember.
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
I see all sides. I understand that your mom is upset. I can see why you are upset too. You care about your mom. Deep down your brother does too or he wouldn’t be there. Don’t make this all about his flaws.

Please give him a break since he is the one living with her. It is extremely frustrating and exhausting living with an elderly parent.

Surely you must realize this is no day at the beach for him. Would you have wanted to trade places with him? Just take a moment to pause and think about that.

It’s easy to criticize others that are the ones spending the most time and energy with your mom from a distance. You are not there every minute. Don’t you think your mom is wearing on his nerves sometimes? Too much togetherness is a nightmare for all of us.

You are looking at this from your mom’s point of view and I understand that. You want her to be treated fairly and with kindness.

Extended stress can bring out the worst in anyone. People aren’t perfect. Do you ever remember being completely perfect in your life? I bet that you don’t because no one is, absolutely no one.

If he is already struggling with not being able to emotionally bond with others as you say, that is only going to make it tougher for him. All that I am trying to point out is that he is burning out after three long years.

So you are making the right choice by considering assisted living. Your brother and mother will thank you for it and you can reduce your anxiety too.

I am not trying to disregard your mom or you. I refuse to push your brother’s frustration aside because I have been where he is.

I had my mom living with me for 15 super long years and it is life changing.

By the way, it makes no difference if they live with us or an adult child moves into their home. They are still roommates, 24/7. It’s too much after awhile.

Does your brother get a break from being with her? He should have breaks. Even then, it’s the toughest job in the world. Ask any full time caregiver this and you will hear the same.

Best wishes for your family.
TakeFoxAway Oct 2020
Hi.
Actually I am relieved that no one here has said I should talk to him. I would much rather not. I just felt like I SHOULD. I felt guilty for not sticking up for her.
I would go there on weekends to give him a break. He has part time work so he gets breaks there too. And he probably IS angry at her for her thinking she can't trust him. That would hurt me too.
I took care of both my parents (not living with them though) for the previous 10 years. I only lived with them while my dad was dying at home with hospice.
Thank you for your thoughts. Very helpful. And very sensitively put.

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