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Libelula7 Asked October 2020

I live abroad and visit my mom once a year. She's asked that I stop visiting. Does anyone have advice?

She has explained that she loves me very much and won't change our phone contact, but she can't handle the anxiety before my trips and sadness when I leave. It takes her too much effort to pretend she isn't in pain or deeply depressed. I understand her views, but I cannot bear the thought that I wont see her anymore. I am grieving for her loss despite her being alive. I can't stop crying. She is 73. My sister thinks she may have more 4 years. The last time I saw her was in Easter 2019. Because of lockdown, currently I am unable to travel. I have children as well. I know my daughter would be devastated to know about this. My mother loves my children too, but she finds we become strangers in the distance and she cannot cope with the process to reacquaint in the 10 days we see each other annually. I have told my mother that I wish to continue seeing her that I am happy to stay somewhere else and just have a coffee. I don't want to give her work, but she says she won't open the door if I show up. I simply cannot put in words how this makes me feel. I haven't experienced this feeling of utter devastation before. I do feel I have lost my mother. She is also very stubborn. I cannot imagine her changing her mind. I understand she is cutting ties with me to ease her pain but by doing so, my heart is bleeding. I wonder whether I should put my thoughts on a letter - as she doesn't have email or Internet. But I don't wish to further deepen her depression and make her regret her decision. However she has just made this and I cannot travel at present, so I would hope my letter makes her reflect on this and she changes her mind for when travel restrictions are lifted. I also wonder whether I should respect her decision regardless of how it makes me feel. I know in a few years, if nothing changes, when she dies, I will have the regret and sadness that I never saw my mother one last time. I just cannot believe I may have seen my mother already for the last time despite the fact she is alive. Any support or words of advice you can offer will be highly appreciated.

AlvaDeer Oct 2020
Your Sister should get your Mom some help with her depression. Depression manifests in one of two ways: great sadess or great anger. And what Mom has done? Well, to me this almost sounds a little manipulative?
Sorry to say that. Unless Mom is ill with Alzheimer's. And at the relatively young age of 73 why does sister say that she has only four years left? What am I missing in that part of the story? Is she ill? I am 78 and quite active and can tell you that I would NEVER do that to my daughter who lives two states away, but who I also get to see and visit with no more than once a year (treasured times whether we laugh together, walk to the beach and hunt rocks, garden, cook or whatever). She has a life. I do as well. To do something like this to my daughter I would consider to be cruel in the extreme. And just how does NEVER seeing someone help in not seeing them ENOUGH? My brother has been DEAD since May. Hasn't really stopped me missing him.
Unless your Mom has either mental illness or dementia in some stage I have to say that her actions are completely beyond my understanding. Were I to hear something like this from someone I loved, who I assumed loved me? Well, my reaction would NOT be grief, but anger. And I guess I am now angry for YOU, which isn't all that helpful to you. I will hope that others have more constructive ways to answer your query, but for me I will wish you wonderful good luck going forward, and a happy life, and if your Mom doesn't want to see you? Let me tell you that there are Moms in this country EVERYWHERE who have actually lost their much loved daughters before they themselves were set free, and they would absolutely LOVE a visit from someone aqs wonderful as you!
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts. My mom is very depressed. The causes of her depression are multiple. Hand on heart life has thrown very hard times at her and she has let life events affect her health. Physically she is very impeded. She can hardly walk and is in permanent pain. She refuses to go to the doctor because she has no desire in extending her life. She is a person of absolutes. All or nothing. A selfless mother whose expectations as children we haven't been able to meet.
lealonnie1 Oct 2020
I tend to agree with what Alva is saying here: sounds a bit manipulative to me. And you say your mother is 'selfless'.........if that were true, she would NOT be forbidding you to come see her. Period. A selfless person doesn't take their own needs/feelings into account at all, that is the definition of 'selfless'. Plus, if she were a selfless mother, you children would have far EXCEEDED her expectations instead of falling short of them. A mother doesn't forbid her 'loved' children from coming to see her........quite the opposite is true.

If your mother is in such chronic pain, as you have stated, she would indeed go to the doctor because NOBODY can bear chronic pain 100% of the time w/o crying Uncle and asking for pain medication.

Sounds like she is trying *and succeeding* in inflicting severe pain on YOU, for some reason. She knows full well that with the virus restrictions in place, nobody is really able to travel, as a rule, so what is her point in telling you NOW not to visit her? See where I'm going with this?

Tell mother you're more than happy to continue your phone conversations with her, as she wishes. Should she change her mind, you're happy to make a visit to see her if/when the restrictions lift. But, for the time being, you're forced to stay put and you'll have to make the phone calls suffice. You're awfully sorry she's in such a deep state of depression and pain, and you highly recommend she see the doctor immediately. Doctors ARE indeed seeing patients in person these days, in case she uses the virus as an excuse.

When a person's pain and misery gets bad enough, they become willing to do ANYTHING to find relief. I often say, we're willing to drink arsenic if it promises to cure our pain. Keep that in mind as you listen to your mother's litany of complaints and reasons for why she 'can't' do what needs to be done with her situation. At 73, she can easily live another TWENTY OR MORE YEARS. And with this attitude, nobody wins, which is sad for all of you. How your sister 'knows' she's going to live 4 more years is questionable. In reality, who knows how long ANY of us is going to live?

Unless she's afflicted with dementia or Alzheimers and her brain is compromised, I vote for this being some sort of play to make you feel guilty for not living closer and having more up-close-and-personal contact with her.

Wishing you the best of luck.

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MargaretMcKen Oct 2020
My reaction to this is a little different. I have a daughter who I don’t want to see, because the stress makes me feel dreadful. Even if she was ‘nice’, it brings up many bad memories. I can understand that your mother could feel the same way for different reasons – the hype of anticipation for your visit, the excitement of you being there, and the sorrow when you go.

I’d suggest that you forget this year’s visit and wait to see if things change. Your sister says that she will probably live a few more years, and that gives time for her to change your mind (and for the world to change post Covid, with luck).

In the meantime, I would keep the correspondence going as much as you can. If you don’t have a color printer, get one, print out your phone photos yourself, and post them to her. It's a lot cheaper than a visit! The photo quality isn’t as good, but it isn’t difficult to get your head around how to do it. You can send photos of things like your kitchen, or the weeding you have done, even a meal you have cooked or a shop you use – unimportant things that can tie up with the letter you send with the photo and then be discussed in your phone calls. I find that even better than photos of little children looking cute, because it tells more about your life.

I’d also see if your sister can hire someone to come in with their own gear to bring in so that your mother can try the face time options without needing to understand anything about the techniques. I can understand her not wanting to try to master it herself, even if you pay. It’s complicated and very off-putting for many older people. In my rural area, there are many people who only use a computer when a son or granddaughter is there to make it happen. Your sister might find a high school student who would be happy to earn a little for an hour or so, if you make it clear that they are not ‘teaching’.

It's a tricky situation, but perhaps don't push, keep up the contact, and wait to see if things change. Yours, Margaret
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Dear Margaret,
Many thanks for your note and advice.
Best wishes,
Barbara
Countrymouse Oct 2020
My key word of advice is: "stop."

Your mother is not dying. She is not about to die. You have no reason to suppose she will die any time soon. This decision is therefore not final. Continue your normal means of communication with your mother and talk to her about something more interesting and less morbid than seeing her for the very last time.

What she said to you, harsh though it looks on the screen, did not come out of the blue. She did not suddenly say "oh, by the way, you're not to visit any more because it totally stresses me out, and if you try it I will slam the door in your face." So how did this come up?

I suspect that she is tired of constant rumination about when she will ever see her children because of Covid this and quarantine that and exclusion lists the other, and would rather operate on the assumption that you will all just have to do without visits.

So DROP IT. Stop bending her ear about it. Do not write to her about it. Communicate with her by telephone and letter and tell her what's going on in your life and your neck of the woods. As the mother of adult children, I can vouch for that being the one subject of consuming interest to her.

I think this may be very revealing, too: where do you live, and where does your mother live?
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Hello, many thanks for sharing your perspective of the situation. Best wishes, Barbara
AnnReid Oct 2020
Would she consider a trial of internet connection if you offered to take care of the installations and hardware as a gift to her? Perhaps knowing that you were accessible for conversation a little more often would allow her to relax about co tact with you a little more.

I think it might be very difficult for you both if you were only able to communicate by letter. To me, almost anything is better than receiving a communication several days old.

Another point for you to consider is that out of her love and devotion for you, she is choosing actively to spare you the sorrow of being with her as she declines. What you have written about her is both very beautiful and very touching. Some mothers have arranged for their children to be apart with them when they are entering their last moments.

Since she is so relatively young, if she is not cognitively compromised she might get relief and benefit from a trial of a very mild mood enhancer. Does she receive medical care from a physician who could discuss that possibility with her?

You are a good daughter. See if you can take some gentle steps to developing some kinds of communication while still respecting her desire to maintain her rather fragile autonomy.
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Many thanks for replying to my desperate post. We have offered to pay for her Internet and we have got her a mobile. But she has refused using them. Unfortunately, no facetime. When my children were younger and my circumstances different, I had time to get photos printed and post them across. These days I work full time and have no support network to help me with childcare or the house. Prior to lockdown, I'd phone every 10 days or so. Since lockdown, every week. And also remind my daughter to phone separately on different days to help my mother feel less lonely. With lockdown progressively we almost ran out of themes of conversations - we have felt imprisoned and with a great sense of lack of control over our lives. Yes, it's true. My mother wants to spare me and her children seeing her deteriorate. I understand this. And it is painful to witness your parents' decline. Selfishly I would prefer to face this reality and continue seeing her now, while I can before it is too late and the option is taken away. I am sad that the decision has been made for me. Saddened at the thought to not being able to kiss or hug her again. Saddened at the potential reality that next time I visit is to help my sister empty the house once my mother is gone. She won't visit a doctor because she has lost any desire for living. Unfortunately the causes of her depression are also very real and treatment won't eliminate them. It is all very sad. Your message really comforted me. I feel numb today. Empty. I hope my mother reflects on her decision and changes her mind. I thank you for your kindness.
BobbieSena Oct 2020
Once a year? that is very strange. However, your mother's attitude about it is even stranger.She is being manipulative in a sad confused way. Obviously, she wants to see you more than once a year.i cannot imagine how I would feel if my children and or grandchildren wanted to see me only once a year. i wouldbe sad, but i hope I would be kind, loving, undemanding, and just glad to see them at all.At 74, she seems very young to have any dementia. However,she may be taking so called meds that have damaged her brain.In any case, if she is in her right mind, she should not say anything about the long seperations and just enjoyyou when you do come. Also, with facetime or other technology, you could communicate frequently.I hope and pray God will calm her and bless and protect both of you and your relationship.I see my children and grandchildren only about 4 times a year. However, they do call me weekly.My oldest daughter is very ill and in assisted living.i call her twice a week.We all must be kind to one another and do the best wecan.
whaleyf Oct 2020
It's not that unusual for someone to only see their loved ones once a year. Traveling is expensive and with Covid it's even harder to travel. I only get to see my youngest son at Christmas. And I missed seeing my other son, who I would have seen in the summer because of the virus. We make the best of it. It's not like the OP doesn't want to see her mom. That's probably the best she can do. It's a shame her mom doesn't have internet so they can do face to face talks on line.
Taarna Oct 2020
It appears your mother has depression. Please have her see a psychiatrist - as soon as possible. This kind of "finality in relationships" is consistent with with suicidal thoughts.

Please try to contact your mother during the year using alternative communication: phone calls, emails, letters, video calls, online face to face chats. Maybe "seeing you" more often will help her to stop feeling like "this visit is the last visit."

Mrsrubee Oct 2020
I agree that it sounds like your mother is suffering from depression. It's not uncommon for sufferers to either not see that they have it or to believe that it's a weakness that they should be able to handle on their own - the old pull yourself up by your bootstraps theory. I don't know how you make your mother get help. My husband was depressed for YEARS, but wouldn't admit it or get help. So the 10 years before he got dementia were wasted for both of us. It's a terrible condition that sucks the life out of both the sufferers and those around them. I also agree that she needs to see a doctor - not to extend her life as she fears - but to make the life she has more comfortable. Pain and depression often go hand in hand and each makes the other worse so the poor soul gets caught in a spiral of increasing pain and depression. Relieving some of her pain - either through treating the condition or pain meds - could go a long way to lifting her depression. Conditions that cause chronic pain makes your world get smaller and smaller as you give up one activity after the other that used to give you pleasure. Unfortunately, I don't know how you get her to go, especially from so far away. If she listens to your sister, maybe she can make some progress on it.
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Many thanks for your words of advice. Best wishes, Barbara
Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I would be beating down her door to get her treated. She does not have to live in constant pain with depression. Pain will mess with your head, severely and a good doctor will treat the pain and the depression as they do go hand in hand.

Maybe a friends and family intervention to get her treated so she doesn't have to live like this.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Sometimes people withdraw when suffering horribly. I don’t know what is inside your mom’s head or heart. I don’t feel as if I can judge her actions.

It does seem a bit odd and I can certainly understand how this hurts you. How does she get along with your sister?

How often do you speak with her on the phone? Is she available to speak on the phone or does she not feel well enough to chat? My mother isn’t always up for long conversations on the phone.
Libelula7 Oct 2020
Hello, I try to phone weekly and call prepared to be on the phone for as long as my mother wants. Sometimes we'll have a good chat, sometimes you can tell you're on the way and she gets moody. I can feel her being in pain when we speak. Our relationship with our mother is difficult. She loves us all but loving her can be painful.
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