My husband is 79 and beginning to show signs of dementia. I cannot talk to him about it as he is extremely defensive.
He won't see a Dr, does nothing around the house, is totally self focused and does nothing to help me or help our situation. I'm so frustrated and so unhappy. No matter what I do, he won't open up. How do I deal with this?
I agree with the idea of stop trying to talk to him about it. Will he go to the doctor for other things? If so, get an appt for something booked and bring this up with the doctor in advance.
Sorry that you are so frustrated and unhappy. Quite understandable.
Can he be alone safely? If you're sure the answer is yes, get out of the house a bit. If it's only a maybe, then start getting yourself some help. Say you're tired and can't keep up with it all and get someone to help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
It could take a little of the pressure off you.
Would he go to the local senior center with you? Could be a good thing for both of you.
Some of the best advice - take care of yourself. Getting help in may need to be in the form of telling spouse that 'my sister is coming to visit for a while' or a friend is coming over." Denial, fear, panic, embarrassment, confusion, aggression may be expressed and/or felt. * Try to remain neutral or in 'balance' - if you need a break for 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days, take it.
Can you ask your husband if he is frustrated or has difficulty organizing things? Or if he thinks he has had any changes in his abilities with age? Does he blame you for mistakes he has made? Does he have any history of substance abuse? Try to be supportive and don't give him a reason to think you are picking at him.
He may have depression or another underlying medical condition. Is there any family history that might be significant? Does he show symptoms of diabetes? How is his sleep? Encourage him to see a doctor because you love him and want to keep him happy and healthy for as long as possible.
Does he have a history of acting selfish, agressive or mean? If this is just an exacerbation of his normal behavior, it might be time to focus on yourself instead of him.
I agree with the others that you need to document his behaviors. Even if he won't adress the issues, at some point you will need to take action independently to take control of the situation.
Keep a diary of the symptoms. Sit him down and discuss gently with him at some point. The defensiveness, unfortunately, means he is noticing changes himself and is terrified and in denial. Do you two have all your paperwork done for DPOA if needed? Is he in some system where he HAS to show up at the doc once a year (like our Ma Kaiser, who makes your life not worth living if you don't get in for your checkup). If so try to send a letter to his doctor before his visit. If you can do nothing, then you can't, but you can tell him that you will be there for him if he suffers the aging process before you do. But that the two of you must now be as honest as you are able to be. If nothing else can be done you would need eventually guardianship. OR you would have to decide if you can continue to live with someone who cannot discuss what you are facing down in your life. Perhaps you cannot. I think too you should consider how much of a change this is for him? Was he, before this, a whole lot different than he is now?
Keeping notes re his behavior is extremely helpful to the physician. Many strong “in control” individuals have a lot of difficulty admitting any lack of ability to continue being in charge. Try to work with him, find a reason to see a dr. Put your notes in a file folder w the drs name. If he is the type to check what you have, make sure you have basic info there.. such as insurance,address, whatever that he can see. As you check in give your notes to the receptionist, ask her to give to the dr. Make sure at the top of your note page you write that he is very sensitive about memory loss etc but that you are concerned. This w give him/her the right direction to take. This method has worked for me with my husband. A really stubborn (though nice) person that I have to work around. It’s not easy, but none of this road is easy. Good luck with your creative energy. Nothing stays the same. Just do the best you can. Read, research. If you are a person of faith.. then pray for wisdom, strength & guidance!
It’s imperative to get him to a doctor. We thought my father was in the beginning stages of dementia. As it turned out, he actually had an aggressive brain tumor. Until he is actually diagnosed, you really don’t know anything. Is there a family member or male friend who could support him by attending the appointment with you? I went to all my father’s appointments with my mother because they were typically difficult for her to manage alone.
Many health conditions cam mimic dementia: infections, depression, blood chemistry imbalances, brain tumors or strokes... So make an appointment with his primary care provider and let his doctor know what you are seeing. Keep a journal to write down incidents and details so the doctor will have a better idea of the problem(s). If it looks more like depression or dementia the doctor may order consults with psychiatry and/or neurology for more detailed evaluations.
Whether or not your husband has dementia, please get some help so you can cope better. If he can not be trusted alone, consider having family, friends, or members of your faith community come to "visit" for a few hours several times a week so you can get a break. If taking care of your husband and your home and meals is getting to be too much, please get help with those tasks to make your life easier as well.
My husband also has gone through this. Our family doctor's nurses saw the change and alerted the dr. He then scheduled an appointment for me and we discussed the situation. The Dr. wanted him to go to a neurologist which we did only to have my husband walk out of the appointment with some very foul language. Two years passed and my son experienced a situation with his father and the son said you either go to the neurologist or you will never see your grandsons again. He went to the neurologist and was good. He refused to take the medication prescribed because it "gave him nightmares and bowel problems" I called the Dr. and he changed the med and I give it to him daily hidden in his food. I have some freedom to get out of the house in the mornings and do errands and go to the gym, I know this will change but as long as I have it I am happy. I really don't want to upset him and cause him to lash out which he never did before this whole thing started 7 years ago. I live everyday and enjoy what we have together. I no longer let him drive, he can't read anything, doesn't know numbers and forgets whether or not he has eaten but he does remember me and my name but doesn't remember the dog's name. We can go to lunch sometimes to the same restaurant always and he will push the cart in the grocery store slowly behind me. If he does something weird most of the people we come into contact with know what is happening and chose to ignore the behavior which is very nice. PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE remember the good times and be thankful for what you did have and embrace each day with a smile. Good luck, lots of us are in the same place and never expected to be here.
Im right here with you! I’ve cried over him and been discouraged with him. I have grieved the loss of our life as we knew it, then I realized that I can’t change whats happening to us, I can only figure out how to react to it that is kind and loving. I Am NOT a caregiver by nature and do NOT want to take care of another person’s health, Im NOT a doctor, nurse or therapist and I don’t have any answers. I had to understand that I can only do what I am willing to do and then he will have to get better care from somewhere else. That realization has helped me cope with our situation and I’ve actually been able to do much more for him than I ever thought I could. My attitude toward our new life is what I had to change to make it better. I found comfort in my prayers. Hugs to you.
Don't worry about discussing this with him. It will only make him more frustrated. At his age, men can be resilient. (strongheaded)
Nevertheless, you can take advantage of telehealth. No need to go the the doctor's office, the doctor can see him in the convenience of your home. You can discuss with doctor your concerns.
They should be able to assess what his needs are and even provide some help and relief for you. Don't be discouraged. You are not alone. There is help if you need it. Just ask for it.
17 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Sorry that you are so frustrated and unhappy. Quite understandable.
Can he be alone safely? If you're sure the answer is yes, get out of the house a bit. If it's only a maybe, then start getting yourself some help. Say you're tired and can't keep up with it all and get someone to help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
It could take a little of the pressure off you.
Would he go to the local senior center with you? Could be a good thing for both of you.
Getting help in may need to be in the form of telling spouse that 'my sister is coming to visit for a while' or a friend is coming over."
Denial, fear, panic, embarrassment, confusion, aggression may be expressed and/or felt.
* Try to remain neutral or in 'balance' - if you need a break for 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days, take it.
He may have depression or another underlying medical condition. Is there any family history that might be significant? Does he show symptoms of diabetes? How is his sleep? Encourage him to see a doctor because you love him and want to keep him happy and healthy for as long as possible.
Does he have a history of acting selfish, agressive or mean? If this is just an exacerbation of his normal behavior, it might be time to focus on yourself instead of him.
I agree with the others that you need to document his behaviors. Even if he won't adress the issues, at some point you will need to take action independently to take control of the situation.
ADVERTISEMENT
I have the exact situation. I understand your frustration. It’s a lonely situation.
Is he in some system where he HAS to show up at the doc once a year (like our Ma Kaiser, who makes your life not worth living if you don't get in for your checkup). If so try to send a letter to his doctor before his visit.
If you can do nothing, then you can't, but you can tell him that you will be there for him if he suffers the aging process before you do. But that the two of you must now be as honest as you are able to be.
If nothing else can be done you would need eventually guardianship.
OR you would have to decide if you can continue to live with someone who cannot discuss what you are facing down in your life. Perhaps you cannot.
I think too you should consider how much of a change this is for him? Was he, before this, a whole lot different than he is now?
work with him, find a reason to see a dr. Put your notes in a file folder w the drs name. If he is the type to check what you have, make sure you have basic info there.. such as insurance,address, whatever that he can see. As you check in give your notes to the receptionist, ask her to give to the dr. Make sure at the top of your note page you write that he is very sensitive about memory loss etc but that you are concerned. This w give him/her the right direction to take.
This method has worked for me with my husband. A really stubborn (though nice) person that I have to work around. It’s not easy, but none of this road is easy. Good luck with your creative energy. Nothing stays the same. Just do the best you can. Read, research. If you are a person of faith.. then pray for wisdom, strength & guidance!
Is there a family member or male friend who could support him by attending the appointment with you?
I went to all my father’s appointments with my mother because they were typically difficult for her to manage alone.
Whether or not your husband has dementia, please get some help so you can cope better. If he can not be trusted alone, consider having family, friends, or members of your faith community come to "visit" for a few hours several times a week so you can get a break. If taking care of your husband and your home and meals is getting to be too much, please get help with those tasks to make your life easier as well.
Nevertheless, you can take advantage of telehealth. No need to go the the doctor's office, the doctor can see him in the convenience of your home. You can discuss with doctor your concerns.
They should be able to assess what his needs are and even provide some help and relief for you. Don't be discouraged. You are not alone. There is help if you need it. Just ask for it.
See All Answers