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RPcaregiver Asked April 2020

Difficult decision during COVID crisis for blind, anxious mother...

To try and sum up what has happened. She is in ALF due to her blindness, and nearly debilitating anxiety and depression related to losing her eyesight. Over the past couple months we had issues with ALF not giving meds properly and ultimately a situation where she fainted, hit her head and had to go to ER. Long story short; that was handled improperly as well and I even had to call the owners who were unaware at all that was going on but this was right at the beginning of this covid crisis so everyone has been scrambling since. She was at rehab following hospital stay but they allowed her to make the choice to go BACK to this ALF despite me not wanting her to. I had already found another ALF to take her that I felt would be a fresh start for her given our amount of problems there. But again, they allowed her to go back. I was concerned that her anxiety which had grown severely since the med errors and all would make her once again have a “meltdown” once she was back there and that’s just what happened. 5 hours after being transferred back she panicked, had a severe anxiety attack and had to go to the ER where she did a voluntary admission in Behavioral health.


She’s been there for about a week and now the HUGE question/dilemma with all this going on....given her blindness, do I move her to the new ALF that’s willing to take her and will for sure quarantine her 14 days (praying she doesn’t lose her mind again) but she will be in ALL new surroundings in her room and only bare bare essentials. OR let her go back to original ALF we have had difficulty at but she would have all her things and is well oriented there? Go away Covid :( Caregivers have a hard enough time making decisions normally...this crisis decision making is even more awful....

BarbBrooklyn Apr 2020
Here are your order of priorities...your own health; your minor children; your spouse and marriage. Your mother has a whole "system" to lean on and she has not been declared incompetent.

Your children don't have anything to fall back on if you and husband get sick. Take care.
Tynagh Apr 2020
Barb,
I can understand about putting minor children ahead of mom's care, but I cannot grasp putting the needs of a fully, grown adult with (we are presuming) no particular health concerns ahead of fragile parent. Seems like the spouse would be exceedingly needy. Just one person's opinion on it.
BarbBrooklyn Apr 2020
RP, thanks for answering my question.

So, your mom has serious, longstanding mental illness AND she has gone blind.

Her mental illness is the first and primary issue and needs treatment before anything else is addressed. Keep her in the behavioral health unit until they have her medicated to where she can function. Placement depends upon THAT level of functioinng.
RPcaregiver Apr 2020
I wish they would keep her longer for sure to get more functioning but she can function well enough according to them that they think she can go back to ALF which is why they said now, she’s “stable” and not in crisis and they can no longer keep her. We’ve busted tail the last two days and moved all her stuff over to the new place. Hopefully they can help get it somewhat organized and help her adjust there, it’s not the ideal situation but nothing is now with all this going on. If I was able to move it all and arrange everything for her, it would be no question. This is just going to set her off though with everything a muck but it is what it is. Tough times. Just praying she can find trust again in this new place...its so extremely sad that mental health is SO lacking in this country.

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GardenArtist Apr 2020
RP, your response to CountryMouse's post cinched it for me.  If this were my mother, I would move her.    There's no guarantee of any improvement at the old facility, and it may even get worse if they become more complacent than they already are.

I would have a serious talk with the DON and Admin of the new facility, and even ask if they can assign someone special to assist Mom in acclimation, and volunteer to pay extra if you have to.   

And if you do move her, after she's settled and life is easier for her, I'd consider reporting the old facility.   What you described in terms of sanitation is inexcusable.

DrBenshir Apr 2020
I suspect that most of you don't understand RP. Mom should have ongoing support from Lighthouse for the Blind or a local training program. She should have had a Seeing Eye dog. Her suicide attempts may preclude her from qualifying for a dog, but this should still be investigated. There are support groups for RP and she needs one. She needs a voice controlled PC that will let her make and receive phone calls, browse the internet, get her news, listen to books, etc.

ANY ALF should have the training to set up an environment for her that is safe. They should know to get pictures of her room as it is, and arrange things in exactly the same way. She needs ongoing OT with a specialist in low vision to adapt and support her so that she can move in her environment. An OT can be brought in though home health, even with COVID ongoing. Medicare is more liberal about paying for home health since most out-patient faciities are closed.

OT will not only help her function in her new home, they can also teach her hobbies that she can do even with her loss of sight. If her hearing is good she can even learn to play a keyboard. There are many types of crafts that she can learn to do. Being completely alone and blind is more frightening and stressful than most people can imagine. That by itself will cause severe depression and can cause suicidal ideation.

Is there a close friend or family member that Mom can live with instead of an ALF? Having someone to be with who cares about you makes a huge difference. Can you hire a private companion a few times per week? Someone already on the staff? It's expensive, but Mom needs to be less frightened. Us Boomers don't like to admit we are scared of anything, but fom what you have shared she is literally scared to death.
RPcaregiver Apr 2020
She should have a seeing eye dog but she refused for so long because she already had a little dog that was hers and didn’t want upset it bc it was old. I ended up with him when she moved into ALF, but I really think the main reason also is bc she is too scared to go to training as well. She is stubborn and does not listen to what’s best for her all the time, but she is working with Lighthouse for the blind here in Tampa. She’s taken several courses there and has been encouraged to go to support group meetings and events there on her own but there again, falls back on refusing bc she’s “scared” and basically just wants me to take her (which I can’t all the time).

She does listen to tapes of books but does not have the voice controlled computer. I’m not sure why. I’ll have to look into that when they re-open after this mess.

As far as the new ALF, we are just striking out. I have had very little contact with them in trying to help ensure she gets settled there, and I was let in with mask and after temp taken as an emergency when I brought her there from the hospital because her room wasn’t put together at all. They allowed me a couple hours of trying to at least get the bare essentials straight enough to where she would have an idea where they are but nothing else. She said she’s asked them for more help and they always attest that they are busy, which I know they probably are and she may be asking a lot or she is manipulating the truth of that to me too. It’s hard to say with how she manipulates stories to me.

There is unfortunately no one but me. I am it. I have 3 young, busy children, a husband with a first responding job that requires a lot and zero family help. Her “friends” I can’t even count in to at least call and check in more then every couple months. I know that hurts her, and she does have a sister and niece but they never make time to see her. She will luckily admit her fears but still won’t be completely transparent during therapy sessions bc she doesn’t want to “sound crazy” which I tell her only makes it worse. I wish we had the funds to a) move her to a higher quality facility and/or b) be able to afford a companion for her but it’s just not in the funds. She makes literally bare minimum on disability and is left with almost nothing after they take her Alf payment out. I could possibly try and look into once a week or every other week if somewhere would allow that but it would be us making that commitment so would have to see how much that would be as well. Thanks for the suggestions though, I will look into the computer for sure and how $ once a week would possibly cost us for companion!
BeckyT Apr 2020
Why doesn’t she have an emergency med prescribed for her panic attacks? Or ideally, before her panic attacks ramp up too far? I feel so bad for her, not knowing where anything or anyone is. The least they can do is keep her calm.

Countrymouse Apr 2020
I think I might be a bit muddled - what do the staff say at the Behavioural unit where she is now? What's their assessment? - they're not the same people who think it's okay to leave vomit where it is, are they.

The thing is. You may be the only one she's got. And she may demand that you 'talk her down off the ledge.'

But what's the good of that if all the sacrifices you make for her don't help her? That's why I asked what the unit is saying - what's their assessment of her care needs, where would *they* recommend she go?

GardenArtist Apr 2020
Spammer Eunicnoah has been reported, on this and on the other threads.

lilhelp Apr 2020
Take Mom to the New Facility.  One boo boo too many at the other one; next time then what?

Good luck.
RPcaregiver Apr 2020
This is exactly what I am concerned about and why I didn’t want her going back in the first place...she chose to and they allowed her, which I get. She’s pretty demanding and irritated right now. It just stinks all around now bc restrictions are a lot tighter now but that’s a decision she made so I have to keep reminding myself that and that I am honestly just trying to do what’s best for her. Thank you!
JoAnn29 Apr 2020
Moms competent. She may have panic attacks wherever you put her. Have you talked to anyone about having someone come in to teach her how to deal with her blindness? She is only 66. She needs to be taught to do for herself as much as possible. Call you County Office of disabilities. See if there is a training program for those who have recently become blind. Your State should have a Dept too.
RPcaregiver Apr 2020
Yes, She has had multiple opportunities for outpatient mental health care and refused bc she’s scared...but she’s also been in care of a Psychiatrist for years now and also sees therapist weekly as well. She’s been to the lighthouse for the blind several times for refresher courses and has a mobility specialist who was coming to work with her prior to covid restrictions. Now, that has all came to a halt until this mess is contained and lifted.
KlynKS Apr 2020
Go to the new ALF, given the med problems at the old one. My mom is in ALF and since COVID, the workers have gotten lazy. Sure, they are doing more, but that's just the way it is. It is their job.

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