Find Senior Care (City or Zip)
Join Now Log In
F
Flamingo65 Asked November 2019

I have tried to put up with the verbal abuse from my husband for so long now. Don’t know how much longer I can do this. He has dementia.

I just don’t know if it’s time to put him somewhere or just leave him. He still can feed himself but can’t wash his hair or clip toenails or remember what or when things should be done. He is really hard to deal with and I am waiting on VA to help me!!!! I just am waiting for the neurologist to help me. But can’t get in till FEBRUARY. In the meantime I secure msg the doctor and request a sooner appointment and relay my husband’s behavior so at least I have a “trail” to prove the progression of his dementia. I sometimes find myself in a very dark place and nowhere to go. Do I stay?? Do I go? I take our vows very seriously but when is enough. Enough?

MountainMoose Nov 2019
I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through, Flamingo. Others have given great advice about a facility, however temporary or permanent.

For short-term help, can you two afford paying a caregiver for a day or two a week? Even a few hours a week might help give you a desperately needed respite. If not, or so and to augment a paid caregiver, do you belong to a group who might be able to keep your husband company while you rest or go out?

You matter too! *hug*

lealonnie1 Nov 2019
I work as a receptionist at a Memory Care Assisted Living community. Every day I see husbands & wives who were forced to place their loved in care here. It wasn't for 'lack of love', but because their care became TOO MUCH for them to bear alone, at home, with no help and no support. In reality, it takes a TEAM to care for a person suffering the ravages of dementia and it can reach a point where it's literally IMPOSSIBLE to perform that level of care at home. The behaviors associated with dementia/Alzheimer's can be SO overwhelming and obnoxious that no one human being can deal with it 24/7, let's face it.

Why not tour your local Memory Care communities and find one you like for your husband? You don't have to 'prove' he has dementia...........the staff will do an assessment and let you know if they find him to be a suitable fit for their community. You can visit him every day if you like, they way others do here where I work. Some come twice a day to see their husband/wife. We even have an ex wife who comes to visit her ex husband a few times a week! They are still on good terms with one another & I know he enjoys the visits.

Placing him in Memory Care is a win-win situation for BOTH of you. You get away from the abuse and he gets a new life with people he can relate to and a whole team of caregivers trained to deal with his specific issues. Hopefully, you can afford the care. If not, look into Skilled Nursing via Medicaid.

Best of luck!
Flamingo65 Nov 2019
Thank you. You have given me something to think about and a way to go about it. I appreciate your input

ADVERTISEMENT


NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
If you place him somewhere because you need help it doesn’t mean that you are breaking your wedding vows. If anything, you care more. You can’t care for him if you are burning out.

You have a lot on your plate, it’s getting to be too much. It’s okay to admit that. Of course, you may feel guilty but there are other wives on this forum that will tell you that they had to place their husband. It will be an adjustment but also a relief because you will be able to get much needed rest.

You can still be with him. You just need someone to help care for him. Get to know the staff. You will learn his routine. It will become easier for you and you will be glad that you reached out for help.

Hugs! Please let us know how you and your husband are doing.
Flamingo65 Nov 2019
Thanks for your input I will keep you updated. I appreciate your taking the time to answer. And I will look into places. Thanks so much
anonymous912123 Nov 2019
Well, if he can afford it, I would place him in AL until the VA comes through. You don't need to prove that he is incompetent to place him in AL. If they testing comes back confirming he has dementia he can then be moved to MC.

Many homes have step up programs, my mother and step father both are in one, now in AL, then can be moved to MC.

Do something now, the decision can be changed later, it is not cast in stone.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter