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Ahmijoy Asked October 2019

Well, now I know...

Many of us here have asked caregivers who are not proactive about finding alternative care for the ones they’re caring for what would happen if they “went down”.


Well, this weekend I’ve had the flu and all it’s fun symptoms, PLUS a raging toothache. But, in the midst of my misery, I’ve still had to care for hubby. Laundry needed to be done, dishes needed to be washed, meals had to be made. My husband had to be gotten up out of bed, dressed, undressed and back in, bed cleaned and changed and now he’s telling me he needs to poo which will be another bed change. Yesterday, he yelled at me for sneezing. Then, even though I was light-headed with fever and chills, he said he wanted pizza and wings. (Nope)


So far, I handled it. I’ve also handled it after hip replacement surgery, gall bladder surgery and the death of my mother. So, do you think maybe we caregivers need to give ourselves more credit for our strength?

Riverdale Oct 2019
I couldn't do it either I think. Regarding the toothache please take care of that. I have lived with a nightmare since July. An abscess which was not causing pain needed a root canal. That was done. No follow up with an antibiotic. The following week my face became terribly swollen. Then different antibiotics took the swelling down but the endodontist tried for a week to save the tooth. That was a terrible mistake because the infection spread. Long story a little shorter the infection fractured my jaw requiring a long incision below the jaw line with a plate and screws put in to replace dead bone in the jaw. I am on a PICC line for 6 weeks. My mouth droops in on one side. The doctor is hopeful the nerves will return but it's not definite. My life has changed greatly. Once the PICC line is out I hope to return to some more activity but I feel I will always have to explain what happened. I just have many sad days. Anyway I just am stating all this for you to not ignore a tooth issue even though I know you have so very much on your plate which you manage to handle so well.
Ahmijoy Oct 2019
I am so sorry your tooth turned into a nightmare. How awful for you! If this pain continues, I’m definitely going to call the dentist.
BarbBrooklyn Oct 2019
Joy, I think that what you know now is that you are not going to be able to manage this as well as you get older.

I hate to be Debby Downer, but it sounds like DH has regressed since coming home from rehab?
Ahmijoy Oct 2019
i understand what you’re saying, Barb. I agree. I can no longer do the things I used to when he first decided to become bedridden. He has made progress after this most recent stint in rehab. The therapist is coming out this week to help him figure out how to get in and out of the car and I hope this isn’t a “pipe dream” and he will actually be able to accomplish it. He is very insistent about getting out of bed each day, But, there are, quite frankly, days I’m just not up to the transfers.

I know there will come a time when I can no longer care for him and so does he. There is no way he’d ever be able to live alone in this house. My kids wouldn’t be able to care for him, at least not in the style to which he is accustomed. I would never, ever expect them to take him into their homes.

We have been living one day at a time for a while now. I know where he will go when the time comes—where my mom was. Our wills and POAs are in order. We have no assets so there’s no issue with that. The biggest job of disposing of our household and house will fall to our son. I’m not ignoring the inevitable, really. But at this point, I just can’t let it overtake every second of every day.

Thanks friend. I know you say this to me because you care.

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anonymous839718 Oct 2019
I couldn’t do all you do Ahmijoy. I’d have run away long ago.
Ahmijoy Oct 2019
Don’t think I haven’t considered it. But that would mean leaving my dog and cats behind, and I could never do that. 😢
lealonnie1 Oct 2019
I was pretty immobile for about a week after having hip replacement surgery. I could get up to go the bathroom, the kitchen, my office, etc, and I did go outside to walk the neighborhood twice a day (with a walker first, then a cane), but other than that, I was pretty useless! My butt felt like it weighed 1000 lbs *versus the 500 it normally weighs*, so it was awkward moving around. I have no idea how you took care of someone ELSE after such a surgery, considering my DH took a week off to take care of ME!

You are Superwoman, that's for sure!
Ahmijoy Oct 2019
Hubby travelled a lot for his job years ago. I was left alone with two young children, a house, a car and a household to run. He managed the finances but I handled everything else. He’d cut the grass and do yard work when he was home on weekends, and then fall asleep. We had no social life or friends. It was basically me and the kids and we are very close to this day. My mother, otoh, could barely turn a screwdriver. I appreciate your high estimation of me, but for 45 years, since I was 20, I’ve known no other way. And I don’t think hubby ever has either. He just never knew what it was to be a husband, pretty much coasted along throughout our marriage holding to his own ideas of what being a husband meant. I’m far from perfect as well. But, somehow we managed raise two good kids and have been rewarded with three angel baby grandsons who are our hearts.
Girlsaylor Oct 2019
It seems a lot of men of our generation feel entitled to service. Glad yours doesn’t make a lot of extra, unnecessary demands on you. Our culture needs to cease expecting women to subvert their own heeds, careers, and health, to be caregivers. Then to penalize women’s caregiving years taking them out of the workforce, lower earnings, then the Social Security benefits disparity, our society can’t continue using women in this way. Even loving caregiving wives, mothers, daughters have physical, mental, and financial needs. Too often we get virtually nothing more than an atta boy, and then pushed back to carry on. I don’t know what the answer is for many of us, but without us, the world ceases to turn, doesn’t it?
Please tend to that tooth, and rest and recover as much as you can.
Newfiemom Oct 2019
Yes strong we are. I am 72, had carotid artery surgery and 3 days later was up cooking my 96 year old mom her food. I am on week 6 and got bronchitis along the way, too. There is no rest
anonymous912123 Oct 2019
You are indeed a wonder woman..I wonder how you do it all! You are so dedicated to him and his needs that you seem to be neglecting yourself, I hope that you can take some time to care for you. I hope that you start to feel better too.
Ahmijoy Oct 2019
Hi, Dolly. Thanks for your praise. I’m not a superhero. I was just raised (during the fifties and sixties) to believe that the man was the revered member of the family and should be treated as such. It’s been very hard, with the way things are now in the world, to shift gears. He’s not nasty or verbally abusive. He makes very little demands on me, actually. But he’s always been tops on his own list, so why should I expect things to change now? Stress has become a way of life for me, sadly. It’s been this way since 2013 when I had to place my mother, who was a little tyrant in her own right, and when my husband had a life-threatening heart infection. It’s gotten to the point that I wouldn’t know how to live without high- stress But we do what we have to do, don't we? Somehow we make it through.
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Joy,

I would be locked away in a mental institution somewhere. I would commit myself if someone else wouldn’t beat me to it. I just know I would go over the edge.

I hope you feel better very soon and you get a break. I suppose getting a break would be a miracle, huh?

Taarna Oct 2019
You deserve to be canonized as a saint or committed for mental health evaluation. Just kidding, but it does bring up a sensitive and critical issue. You need a back-up caregiver when the primary caregiver is not feeling well, has an accident, needs surgery… Life happens to everybody and the "cared for one" still needs care even on days (weeks?) the usual plan of care falls apart. It could be family or friends. It could be a paid home health aide from an agency. Whomever and however you decide, please find back-up soon.

Countrymouse Oct 2019
Get well soon hugs to you!

And GET SOME HELP IN! Isn't there anyone you call on, just for a day or two? Any help would be better than no help - they can stick on a wash load and bring pizza, surely.

Sunflower17 Oct 2019
Just trying to get info for respite care wore me out. I am 78 , husband is 92 & was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in Oct . 2006. My worst nightmare is him dying while I am sleeping. The next worst is me dying and leaving him alone . Prayer is my only comfort knowing I am not alone. hugs to all who (KOKO)keep on keeping on.

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