I have been assisting my mother for the last 2.5 years. She is now 85 and lives alone in her home. She lives 3 hours from me. In the beginning it was new and relatively enjoyable helping her find solutions to some of the problems she was having. I had recently resigned a job at the time and thought this would last for about 6 months. I was able to get her to doctors she needed to see because she hadn't done so on her own. Soon though, the efforts were more and more from me and less and less from my mom. After about 6 months my mom became more resistant of any solution for her ailments and then the passive criticism began toward me. If a doctor gave her salve for dry skin, she wouldn't use it or said it didn't work. Her main problem is her osteoarthritis and the pain associated with it. However she won't do anything for it and wants a pill to solve her problems.
A big change came about when she didn't pass her driver's test last year. First, she didn't pass the eye examination and it was discovered she had cataracts. She has one better eye and we were able to get her glasses to retake the driver’s test and she failed. She has refused to get cataract surgery and believes that the DMV failed her because they are horrible people. Since then, I started driving the 3 hours almost weekly to keep her comfortable with everything she needs. I have now been cleaning her house, paying her bills, grocery shopping, taking her to all doctor appointments, and more. I am the POA for both financial and healthcare. I was also able to find someone last December that now comes in every Thursday. My mother has accommodated this person and it has been a huge help for me knowing someone is checking in once a week.
For the last several months I have gotten more and more depressed going to see my mom. She doesn't sleep well and often I get there and the curtains are drawn and the lights are off even in the afternoon. She sleeps in or goes back to bed during the day sometimes. To be very honest, I feel fear when I walk into the house never knowing what I am going to find. She doesn't care for her hair or clothing and gets angry with me when I mention her hair. (We now go to a walk-in place to get her hair washed but if she is in a sour mood, she won't go.)
Things came to a head last weekend. My husband accompanied me to do some extra work around her house. Among many things, her roof had lichen overgrowth on it and needed cleaning. As soon as we walked in I knew it was not going to go well. She was in her bedroom and the drapes were closed. She got up and was in a sour mood. She began criticizing me as she does sometimes. We stayed the night then her sour mood and criticism continued the next day. I finally snapped. As one point my mom told me to shut up. I am embarrassed to say that I then told her to shut up. I continued to defend myself. I was very angry and sad and just lost it.
The part that is deeply difficult is that there has been a lot of reflection during these last 2.5 years and I realize that my mother has been passively critical of me my entire life. There were times we got along very well but her sarcastic sense of humor hurt me. My mom has had problems since I was a little girl and I feel that I have been looking out for her for 50 years. However now I am angry. I have two daughters and I would never want them to feel like I do. My parents divorced many years ago and I am the only caregiver as I had a brother who passed away some time ago. It is likely she has a UTI but I cannot keep going to help this person. She won't move closer and at this point I don't want her to.
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So sorry you are going through this, but there has to be a way to let Mom know you cannot continue. Will she rage and be furious? Yes. Looks like. Tell her you are sorry for your limitations and inadequacies, but it is just a fact you have both now to live with. Hope you will update us. You are right. This cannot go on and it will get a good deal worse.
Do let us know if you have POA in place.
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It reaches a point where something MUST be done. Otherwise, as POA, you WILL get The Call that mother has fallen and is in the hospital, you will be 3 hours away, and all hell will break loose. Don't wait for that to happen. Line your ducks up NOW. You make the rules and then set the boundaries on when you will visit and how long you will stay, etc. As soon as the nastiness amps up, it's time for you to leave. The first priority is to get her into a safe environment, close by, where she can be properly cared for and tended to. Once that happens everything else falls into place.
If she balks at moving and kicks up a fuss, you are very sorry Mother, but there is no other choice in the matter. Stand your ground, knowing it's the right thing to do. Best of luck!
One of the things I've had to accept with my MIL is that she's just a grouchy old biddy. For a long time, I would try to change things that she complained about (once I whistled in the car along with the radio on our way to the Dr. and SIL told me later that MIL didn't like it . . . so I quit) Now I realize, that she is going to complain about something, every day. So why not "keep whistling" and make it easy on her, she doesn't have to look for something new to complain about LOL. But really, it's just a shift in my mindset, to accept that she lives to whine and complain. I won't be able to fix everything to stop it, so I might as well quit turning myself inside out to accomplish that.
It sounds like you, also, have had some reflection and now have some insight as to your mom's personality and behavior. If you have to interact with her, keep in mind, that she IS going to be critical of you. Try your best to ignore it -- but we all know how very hard that is with our LO's. If you snap back, give yourself some grace, you are under a great deal of stress with all this, and you can only take so much -- it sounds like you have reached the limit of what you can handle.
Sending [[[hugs]]] your way, and wishing I had better answers for you!