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Naturganic Asked August 2019

Toxic situation with family caregiver that will not allow professional into the home in order to help. Any advice?

My 94yr old father-in law lives in his own home with his daughter. She works but refuses to allow an in home caregiver. She is mentally abusive to him and has shut down and not helping him at all. I tried to intervene to get him help. Dad told is right in front of her that he would like to hire someone to come in during the day while she is at work to help him with daily living. She said" Thats NOT going to happen. This is my home too and I dont want anyone in here". I explained to her that it is his home and money and he should be allowed to hire help if he wants. He wanted this and so I set up a few appointments to talk with professional caregivers but she has now told me to cancel the appointments because he no longer wants in home care. She has said that she has "changed her ways" and will now help him bathe, etc. I feel she has brainwashed him into thinking his situation will improve. I'd like to believe she will but I have serious doubts. Is there any way I can get him help if she wont allow it?

Countrymouse Aug 2019
Go straight to APS. But do it right.

#1 When you contact APS, make it clear that this is a concern about the vulnerable elder's living situation and not a report or allegation of abuse. What your father needs is an assessment with some ongoing monitoring of his situation. If your SIL *does* get her act together (and for a start she wants to rethink her attitude to professional support, but don't you fight that battle with her, let the qualified social workers do it) then he gets to stay home and she will have fewer regrets about his latter years. This could be a breakthrough.

#2 You'll have to see how you feel about this, but as far as possible be open with her. Have you ever got on with her all right, or has it always been a ticklish relationship between you?
Naturganic Aug 2019
Countrymouse,
We get on OK. I can see through her BS though. She is cluless and I have tried to suggest things but she is always resistant.
I'm giving her about a month to see if things change. If they don't, I will notify APS.
freqflyer Aug 2019
Naturganic, who is Dad's Power of Attorney? Hopefully not the daughter who is living with him.

If someone else is POA, especially whomever is the medical POA, that person needs to step up as the live-in daughter is not doing what is in her Dad's best interest. The Dad sounds like he has lot of common sense and realizes that he needs a professional caregiver with him during the day. My Dad was the same way, and that made life so much easier.

I agree with you, I bet sister-in-law is just talking up a good story. People usually don't change their ways. Is she planning on quitting her job to take care of Dad during the day? If no, then she is forgetting the main issue here that he needs someone with him during that time frame.
Naturganic Aug 2019
She AND my husband( who has Parkinsons) are co-POA's.

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CaregiverL Aug 2019
Have your spouse interfere...not you. It’s his responsibility.
Naturganic Aug 2019
Spouse has Parkinsons disease and is not very capable of following the situation or intervening get. I am doing this as his advocate.
worriedinCali Aug 2019
What does your spouse have to say about this and why aren’t they doing anything?
Naturganic Aug 2019
He has Parkinson’s.
Isthisrealyreal Aug 2019
I would contact APS and report elder abuse. She doesn't get to abuse him without consequences, you know it is happening and you are responsible to get her out of there and get him the care he needs.

I would keep the appointments and let her prove she has mended her wicked ways.

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