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kft4502 Asked July 2019

My parents are aging and in need of care but they have left a big problem that will continue after their death. Looking for advice.

My parents are in their 80s. My dad is still doing well but my mother is memory impaired. I think my dad will need help with her but is too proud to allow me to help although I keep offering. The issue is that my youngest brother is 47 years old and has never worked. My parents have always paid his bills. He does not have a disability that I think would qualify for any social security or such. He just feels entitled to have them support him, he has a PhD in Philosophy and has an attitude that he is "above" the working world. His obnoxious personality has precluded him working in academia and that is all he is technically qualified for other than low level jobs he considers himself too good for.


My parents seem to see themselves as immortal. They haven't prepared a will or any provision for my brother after death. They seem to have the attitude that there is plenty of time for that but I don't think so.


Does anyone have advice on how to proceed with this? I'd like to get my parents to set things up so that my brother gets some kind of annuity so he doesn't get a big inheritance and blows it all fast leaving him homeless. Since this situation has gone one so long, I don't think they should plan on leaving money to anyone else.


Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare, other than that there isn't much.

anonymous912123 Jul 2019
Having a difficult time understanding your logic. Your brother is a free loader, your parents are enablers, and, now you are concerned about your brother after they die? You want them to leave everything to him, because they have been supporting him for 47 years, somehow to me this thinking does not compute. How about they cut the ties now, and he get a job? All this worrying about your brother and enabling him has kept him stuck and is totally counter-productive, he will never become a responsible member of society. As for your question, there is nothing you can do if your parents do not want to draw up a will, or place the house in a trust, assuming that the home is in their name and if they still live there when they die, not being on Medicaid, the house will enter probate and be disposed of accordingly. Remaining funds to be distributed to the heirs of the estate.
Ahmijoy Jul 2019
Totally agree.
GardenArtist Aug 2019
kft4502, I read your post yesterday, thought about it a lot, and decided to offer my opinion and experience, with qualifications:

1.  I haven't read all the posts here but skimmed through some of them.
2.  I write from personal experience as well as that of others who've addressed similar problems.
3.  It is not my intention to be rude or critical, but to offer insights into directions different from those (a) I would have taken a few years ago, and (b) which are based on experience of others in a situation like this.

I've become aware of people who may be geniuses or extremely smart in their own rights, but incapable of functioning as self sustaining or self sufficient individuals.    They may have eidactic memories, they may be brilliant, but they often have other qualities that act against even modestly functioning in society.

a.    They believe, and may be, geniuses.    But their arrogant attitude and condescension of others prevents them from getting and keeping jobs, and getting along with others.

b.   They are absolutely resolute  in their superiority and completely unwilling to consider that anyone can offer them advice or insight equal to or superior than their own. 

c.    They often direct their contempt toward women, including family members, and co-workers.

d.    They are unwilling to change.

e.    They can't get along with co-workers because others are so "stupid." 

f.     Although I don't know what the mental health issues might be of these people, there's one overriding attitude:  they don't need to change b/c  they're sooooo smart, they're right and others are wrong.

g.   They either legitimately can't change, or don't feel it necessary.   I have no medical or scientific support for this, but I think the mental balance is high on the brilliant side and low if not non-existent on the practical side.   Some of these guys are literally geniuses, but they can't even  manage their own income.  

g.    So it's useless to think that any changes are possible.   And that includes caring for older parents, treating siblings respectfully, supporting themselves, pulling their own weight, or contributing to family activities.  

It's better for siblings to recognize this and don't consider trying to rehab them, or expect them to think rationally and take care of themselves. 

Estate planning:  they will expect to get as much as they can, w/o contributing anything, including care to the parents.      One way to address this is to structure a trust that does NOT provide them any cash, but pays funds on their mortgage, or utility bills.  A trustee should handle this, and a good trust attorneys can set this up.  Keep control of asses away from them. 

This may be the best way to approach your parents, i.e., caring for this son after they're gone.  Create the mechanisms now so they're in place when your parents are gone.

The men will not be grateful though.  Don't expect any gratitude.    And you may wish to sever relations after your parents are gone.     Otherwise, you'll be stuck caring for someone who is used to relying on others to provide support for him.   

I don't think these kinds of brilliant but impractical people are practically capable of caring for themselves, so this should be the focus of estate planning.   A trust can ration disbursements, but when the financial assets run out, these individuals are going to have to fend for themselves.   And that's NOT your problem, even if this man is your brother.  

Regardless of how much you try to help, you'll never be able to meet your brother's desires.   Recognize that, and move on when you're ready.  Otherwise, obligations will be a noose around your neck. 

And he is NOT your responsibility.    While it's understandable that you are concerned for a sibling, recognize that this would be for the rest of your life, since he's also being enabled when people reach out to provide the care and support he's unwilling or unable to provide for himself.   
TaylorUK Aug 2019
I too have lived with that type of person, my father, and a next door neighbour,my younger son's best friend. It does not mean they cannot get a job it simply means someone has to kick them, guide them, and keep them on the path "normal" people can cope with. It is true that the only job they may be able to hold down will be well below their capabilities, and they may think others stupid and not worth their time, but that doesn't mean one has to let the get away with not doing anything. I understand what you are saying but you are making excuses for them to avoid all social responsibilities. They may be unwilling or think they cannot change but I assure you a few weeks on the street has a remarkable effect on how much better than others the think they are. My father (genius level Asperger) was lucky, he ended up working in a one man research lab at Oxford university. The neighbour who had two degrees from Oxford worked as a car sales man (unfortunately he also had anger problems, beat his wise and punched my two year old giving him a black eye - nasty piece of work but capable of working). The son's friend used his eidetic memory to gain his first and Masters degrees and now spends his life making comic animated cartoons - not very successful but has a job. These people are not incapable of working but they do need to find a niche which suits them - something that takes effort and support, not sitting on the porch getting drunk.
Accept they exist but don't make excuses for them to do nothing.

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Harpcat Aug 2019
At 47 he is not unhireable as you said earlier. This is his problem, not yours. The old adage applies...he made his bed and will have to lie in it applies. You said you don’t like your brother and don’t want to have to deal with him. Why are you making this your problem. Tough love is needed. If and when they die and leave a mess, it will be up to him to carry on and figure it out, not you. If you feel it’s your duty to worry about him and figure it out, then yes the hard truth is you too are enabling. Take this off your plate and leave it on his. Not easy but set that boundary as he obviously has none.
worriedinCali Aug 2019
As someone with a brother and a brother-in-law who are not capable of being independent and have relied on parental support for far too long, I will tell you that the OP isn’t exactly making this his/her problem.
ive got the same kind of brother (except mine never even finished high school). When you’ve got a sibling who has been enabled for years like this, it really does become your problem in some ways.

case in point....my MIL enabled my BIL for years & supported every bad decision he made. He’s never had to pull up his boot straps and get himself out of the jam he created. My MIL never nipped the problem in the butt, she enabled until the end of her life. She died last year and now he’s become my SILs problem. As far as I can tell, she’s choosing to pick up where MIL left off. When she’s had enough, and I do believe that day will come, he’s going to start knocking on our door.

And my BIL blew through his inheritance from MIL in less than a year. Paid off one small debt and blew threw the rest.
JoAnn29 Jul 2019
A Special Needs Trust is just that, for a person with Special Needs. In my Nephews case, for physical and neurological challenges from birth. You have to prove that the persons needs warrant it. Its usually to protect money they already have. In nephews case, his Moms insurance policy. For some its an inheritance. Its usually set up so Social Security disability can be obtained. Social Services recommended the trust when nephew applied for SSD.

Her brother has never been diagnosed but it sounds like he has a personality disorder that probably should have been addressed at an early age. It doesn't mean he can't hold down a job. He probably feels his siblings should care for him when his parents pass. That thought needs to be squashed now. He is an emancipated adult responsible for himself.

Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
Reading all these answers and responses I have to say that you have the ability to tell him "No" it is a complete sentence.

He can find work, people are willing to give anyone a job to give them a chance. There are help wanted signs everywhere. No excuses for not working.

Do I remember a similar post and the deadbeat brother knew his free ride was over and actually stepped up and started working and doing what he needed to do to have a roof and food.

No matter what your brothers issues are he makes the choice every single day to mooch off your parents, as you have discovered you can't change that, but you don't have to pick up where they left off. He is a big boy and there are all kinds of jobs that he will be able to do. His education at this point is a piece of expensive paper, it will never serve him in life, he wasted that opportunity.

Please get your head wrapped around the reality that you are not responsible to pick up where your parents leave off. People can smell that stuff and he will eat you alive if he thinks you will waiver and support him. Practice, No, No, NO.
TaylorUK Jul 2019
There are excuses for some people not to work - i am not suggesting brother is one, but these things need to be looked at to get a real picture of whether he is lazy or there is a reason he cannot work. If you have not come across clever people who cannot work I suggest you contact your local autism association who will be able to explain difficulties to you. If you have not been there or know someone close who is then you have no idea of the problems of sensory overload and changes in work / activity patterns etc.
OhBoy999 Aug 2019
I’m going to share something that I have learned with CERTAINTY this last year. I’m 48 almost 49 and this has made a HUGE difference in my growth as a person.

You ready? Here it is.

Never take on the emotional work someone else didn’t do and allow it to become your burden.
Beatty Aug 2019
YES YES YES x 1 quiliion
Isthisrealyreal Jul 2019
Are you worried that you will have to pay his way when he blows through his inheritance, assuming there is one?

Because quite frankly, you should tell him to put his big boy pants on and quit sucking off his aged parents.

If he choses to continue with his attitude after they are gone you are in no way obligated to pay anything for him or provide him with a home. It is amazing how false pride goes by the wayside when you haven't eaten for a couple of days.

It is unfortunate that your parents are not willing to put things in writing, but not uncommon. My dad had to go through a crisis and almost die before he would appoint POAs, he has nothing left but SS so the rest didn't matter. But I am afraid that your mom is beyond appointing anyone and your dad may find himself up a creek without a paddle if he himself has any medical emergency.

Your brother, well, I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat and that can change things pretty quickly for a prideful, arrogant, entitled boy.
Pepita48 Jul 2019
Spot on!
enderby Aug 2019
Please do not use autism as an excuse for not working. While it can cause issues with people skills, autism is a developmental disability. Just because an autistic struggles with development (especially social), it does not mean they cannot develop at all. When you are 18 years old, but socially 10, it is a problem. But if you are 47 and socially 25 it is not really much of an issue. We know many true autistics working a wide variety of jobs. We also know some who must be cared for, but they are not capable of working because of retardation (70% of autistics).
Autism does not prevent learning. Since your brother is capable of learning, he should be capable of learning enough people skills to work a job.
I have a son who was diagnosed at 3, and not mild. He had no meaningful speech until 5. He is now 29 and makes more money than his mother. He is somewhat lazy outside of work, but that is the fault of his parents (us), not autism.
On the other hand my educated SIL is too good for a job. She makes some money at a side business, but has always been propped up by Mom and Dad. Now they are gone, and much of her inheritance is gone in supporting her lifestyle. I am just hoping she does not show up at our door in need.
I think she probably resents that we have enough money, but it was our choice to live below our means. We have a trust for our children when we pass. We have money to take care of ourselves when we are older.
If your children are set, think of your own future next. You are not your brother's keeper.
A trust can be set up with someone else in charge when the parents pass. Make sure they understand the trust can also protect the remaining spouse should the other pass first, and will shield inherited money from probate and taxes. This is routine business for elder attorneys.
desert192 Aug 2019
Another plus for trust - while both parents are living - how is house title held - joint tenancy, etc. If Mom is declared incompetent Dad would not be able to sell the house as Mom could not sign. Might be able to go to court for guardianship but costs $$ and you have to do court reports, etc.

With a trust if one of trustees becomes incapacitated for any reason - the other can step in and take care of financials - including getting the house sold or even just a line of credit on it. As well as take care of family business.

A trust keeps government out of your business (and government never works for nothing). In their trust they can do a "special needs trust" for brother - would have to be "IF" there is anything left goes to him - perhaps with a fiduciary over the funds and dole it out as needed.

Otherwise I agree with others - this is your parent mess - if they don't fix it - don't get into it yourself or involve your family in it. You've done the right things with your family. They now need to fix their mess.
Evermore99 Aug 2019
You are not obligated to care for your brother when your parents die and you're not obligated to care for him right now. Have that uncomfortable talk with your parents. Let them know that when they die, you will not take care of your brother. Simply state that the money you make is for you and your bills and not enabling his sorry ass to not get a job. If your parents end up in a nursing home, there will not be a whole lot of cash left over, if any.

metaforic Aug 2019
Funny thing, we had the same odd dynamic in our family. For some reason, everyone seemed to think my parents were obligated to support my jobless brother. When I stepped in to help my mother, I was treated to rants and threats of lawsuit because I wasn't also helping a medically and emotionally fit 47 year old man. He managed (quelle surprise!) to pull it together and get a job when it became clear Mom would no longer be sending him thousand dollar checks each month. Happily that was a court ordered thing because my syblings, to this day, believe he had some sort of right to financial support. Families have their own little mythologies and there isn't any sense to them. If I were you, I'd hear the advice you are getting on this board and cut the brother loose. It's for his own good.
worriedinCali Aug 2019
That is so true about family dynamics! My MIL enabled my BIL for 18+ years and while she never implied or suggested that my husband should help him out financially (probably because my husband DID help him once & he got screwed over & said NEVER AGAIN) but she did expect us all to give him things. She felt that if he needed help, she was obligated to help him. My SIL used to go along with it but then she did start to complain that BIL “always got a free ride”. But now that MIL is gone, she’s taken over MILs role. He’s moving in with her (if he hasn’t already) and she’s the one constantly stuck watching his kid. My parents have never expected me to do anything for my brother and I’m thankful for that. Everyone has been telling my mom for years that she needs to practice tough love & kick him out but she refuses, she’s always got an excuse. My dad would have kicked him out years ago if it wasn’t for my mom. My brother is incredibly hostile and he is just like my dad, he is hard headed and doesn’t listen. His way is the right way. So they butt heads all the dang time! My dad just pulled out his yearly lump sum from his retirement account and he wanted to give my brother half ($5k) to move out. But that’s not a smart move either because they would have to co-sign on an apartment and they would be hit financially when the money runs out and he stops paying his rent! The only way this would work is if my brother gets a job first. And maybe rents a room somewhere & builds his credit so he doesn’t need a co-signor. I can’t imagine having family members who thought I should take care of my brother! The nerve of some people. I would ask them why don’t they step up and take care of him themselves!
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