So, I don't see what the issue is, place him in a nursing home. Really it is ok, you do not have to keep caring for him at home if this is not what he wants.
Your husband with dementia, incontinence, and mobility problems sound like quite a handful. And then to accuse you of abuse when you’re trying to help him, is like salt in the wound, right? You sound pretty frustrated and sad that he won’t get off his bum to do anything or help himself. Maybe there’s pain, maybe depression, maybe he can’t make good decisions for himself anymore, maybe he always preferred to lay around and take it easy, it’s hard to know. Do you think he would do better in a Nursing home? Not that you’re not doing the best you can, but a NH is staffed with people who are used to dealing with these issues and worse all day long, everyday. Your DH has to have a medical approval to go to a nursing home, so I would tell hustle him right off to his doctor, tell him everything that’s happening, and let the dr know you can’t take care of him properly at home anymore.
Depending upon where you are living, he may or may not be able to be more comfortable in a SNF OR an AL (in a memory care unit or not).
The point is that although your anger is understandable and was once possibly justified, it is not likely that it will bring about any positive change in his reactions to you, so you might want to consider FOR YOURSELF, releasing your negative feelings toward him. For example, a damaged brain has reduced capacity to distinguish between factual reality and misinterpretation, so resist referring to his behavior as “lying”, since most probably, what he says is beyond his ability to interpret accurately.
IF you decide to do so, you may find that you are more able to logically consider changes that will make life mor peaceful and comfortable for BOTH of you.
With mobility issues, (diagnosed?) dementia, hearing impairment, and even incontinence, he may not unreasonably interpreting your anger towards him as abuse. HIS BRAIN is both damaged AND, because of his diminished hearing, ALSO DEPRIVED OF INPUT that might at one time have allowed him to understand your interactions more appropriately.
If you have not attempted to get more diagnostic information about his problems and how they interact to result in his lethargy, possible delusions, and lack of desire to improve his current situation, it will be a kindness to both of you to do that as soon as you can manage it.
Do you have access to a GERIATRIC Specialist who can pull apart some of his problems for you? Can you do a search for one?
You will feel better if you can get some information about local facilities, treatment sources, and perhaps residential care sites.
Bear in mind that that his desire to “go to a nursing home” is no more founded in reasonable fact than anything else that he talks about.
Hoping you find find some solutions for your particular situation that will prove beneficial to you both.
Lying? He has dementia, the brain is not processing information correctly. These are delusions, you know they are not true. To be a caregiver you need a very thick skin. Sticks and stones. He tells other people and you are worried about what they will think about you?
Google to find a simple brochure or pamphlet about dementia that explains, especially, the agitation and delusions that accompany dementia. Give this to anyone that approaches you on the subject. Maybe that will help.
Have you talked with his doctor about this? Unfortunately, abuse is the reality of how his brain is processing. Maybe doc will prescribe a med that will help with his delusions.
Do you have any specific objections to placing him? Once you are unable to provide the necessary care and handle the various symptoms, it may be time.
So it hurts that you have moved heaven and earth to care for him and he doesn't appreciate your sacrifice. I don't know, maybe he has always been this way, but you can't expect that someone with dementia is going to behave in a way that makes logical sense or to do things they'd rather not do because it's good for them, he won't help himself because he can't, his brain is broken and he just CAN'T care. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXKH6UoROs
The fact that he wants to go into a nursing home makes me suspect that the two of you are oil and water, you fussing (for his own good) and him resisting at every turn. For goodness sake, it's OK to let him go into a facility and reclaim some balance in your life, perhaps you could both find happiness. If you don't know how to make that happen the wise people on this forum can guide you.
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The point is that although your anger is understandable and was once possibly justified, it is not likely that it will bring about any positive change in his reactions to you, so you might want to consider FOR YOURSELF, releasing your negative feelings toward him.
For example, a damaged brain has reduced capacity to distinguish between factual reality and misinterpretation, so resist referring to his behavior as “lying”, since most probably, what he says is beyond his ability to interpret accurately.
IF you decide to do so, you may find that you are more able to logically consider changes that will make life mor peaceful and comfortable for BOTH of you.
With mobility issues, (diagnosed?) dementia, hearing impairment, and even incontinence, he may not unreasonably interpreting your anger towards him as abuse.
HIS BRAIN is both damaged AND, because of his diminished hearing, ALSO DEPRIVED OF INPUT that might at one time have allowed him to understand your interactions more appropriately.
If you have not attempted to get more diagnostic information about his problems and how they interact to result in his lethargy, possible delusions, and lack of desire to improve his current situation, it will be a kindness to both of you to do that as soon as you can manage it.
Do you have access to a GERIATRIC Specialist who can pull apart some of his problems for you? Can you do a search for one?
You will feel better if you can get some information about local facilities, treatment sources, and perhaps residential care sites.
Bear in mind that that his desire to “go to a nursing home” is no more founded in reasonable fact than anything else that he talks about.
Hoping you find find some solutions for your particular situation that will prove beneficial to you both.
Google to find a simple brochure or pamphlet about dementia that explains, especially, the agitation and delusions that accompany dementia. Give this to anyone that approaches you on the subject. Maybe that will help.
Have you talked with his doctor about this? Unfortunately, abuse is the reality of how his brain is processing. Maybe doc will prescribe a med that will help with his delusions.
Do you have any specific objections to placing him? Once you are unable to provide the necessary care and handle the various symptoms, it may be time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXKH6UoROs
The fact that he wants to go into a nursing home makes me suspect that the two of you are oil and water, you fussing (for his own good) and him resisting at every turn. For goodness sake, it's OK to let him go into a facility and reclaim some balance in your life, perhaps you could both find happiness. If you don't know how to make that happen the wise people on this forum can guide you.