When a spouse no longer knows you, is it still important to visit?

I always remember a story of a gentleman who use to join his wife at her Memory Care center for all of her meals. Friends asked him why does he go since she no longer remembers him. His answer was " I remember her".

I believe if they don't remember you, they will remember the feeling of being around someone who cares for them which is totally different from being around the staff all day. While the mind forgets, the heart still remembers. The frequency and duration of your visit is up to you, so do whatever makes sense. This is heartbreaking so also do whatever you can emotionally handle. As long as your loved one is being properly cared for, no need to feel guilty about anything.

I've found that visiting with mom at dinner time daily works well, and I can do it since I'm retired and the NH is close by. Hopefully, it helps mom somewhat. (If someone told me I'd be doing this daily, I'd have said they were nuts). It's a lively place. I talk to mom as I always have, telling her what happened that day or what's going on in the family. There's not much to tell but since she can't remember much, I can repeat yesterday's story or make something up, lol. She never actually initiates conversation, and her comments make no sense, but she can still laugh and livens up a bit most days. It can take awhile to feed her, but the time passes quickly. Depending on her mood, I may wheel her to her room, pick it up a bit, put her CD earphones in and let her listen to choir music she likes, maybe clean her nails, little things the aides don't have time to do. The aides call me by my first name. Frankly, this has become my social life right now, but it's not so sad. Another woman comes in fairly often to sit with her hubby, and one of the aides has a father there, and she sits and eats with him before she starts work. I was told I could eat also (the food is actually good) but I settle for a cup of coffee. I'm grateful I found a very decent place for mom and that she's relatively comfortable.

My mother is 95 and has had dementia for the past 3 years. Mom no longer remembers anyone. I visit 3-4 times a week and she does not know who I am. I visit her even though she does not remember me because instil know who she is. I remember what a good mother she is and the times we share. On ocassion I feel happy because she says I am her daughter. She may not know me most of the time but her smile tells me she is happy to see me.

This is a hard one. My wonderful step mom has been married to my dad for 16 years and they dated for 12 before that. So she has been with him for 28 years and they had a great relationship until the end when she was 24/7 for five years after his stroke. He was a demanding and critical patient who slowly slid into dementia.

He has been in the nursing home for the past year and cannot remember anything more recent that 35-40 years ago - about the time my parents divorced. He sometimes thinks my stepmom is my mom - and will shout at her, because he thinks they are divorcing. It has been incredibly hard on my stepmom.

but she visits 2x per week to make sure all is taken care of - gets him new clothes, etc as he needs. Recently i was there with her and my dad said to her "I know you are important to me, i just wish i could remember you" - it was a bit heartbreaking.

Do what feels right in your heart.

Mom passed 2 months ago at 97. She was in a NH. For the last few years she (very) rarely knew me, my sister, or my brother. But she knew in her heart we loved and cared for her, as she did us, and was always happy to see us. To see her light up when each of us walked in the room was worth the weekly trip — 90 minutes for me, 35 for my brother, 20 minutes for my sister. She battled the disease for 10 years; on the rare occasions we missed a visit, we felt guilty. She never remembered her aide who was with her 3-4x/week for 6.5 years, calling her “my friend” and lighting up when she was there.

Like GingerMay, I believe the heart knows what the mind may forget.

My mom and I had a good relationship. She was my best friend. When she was ill, she asked me one day who I was. I told her my name & that I was her daughter. She said 'how are you my daughter?' Then a few days before she passed she struggled to sit up, said my name, and ' I love you SO much.' Clear as a bell.

Also, when she struggled with sundowners, she'd scream at everybody, but when I walked in the room or if someone put the phone up to her ear (with me on the other end), she'd calm down. It was a very hard time, but the essence of our relationship was still there even though she forgot the details.

Oh my, yes it is important to visit your spouse. My husband hasn't recognized me in over a year, but I continue to go to the nursing home 6 days a week to visit. I hold his hand and talk to him. Even though he cannot relate, I know he finds comfort with me being there. Please do not stop visiting. Your spouse may no longer know you, but you know him. Talk, sing, read to your spouse. Mention relatives and friends. Your spouse may not remember you but usually a name of a relative or friend will bring on a smile. It is so vital to share memories. Nursing home residents get so lonely. The days are long and empty. Many have no one that visits them. Not only visit your spouse, but talk to the other residents as well. I take snacks to share. Sometimes colorful stretch bracelets for the ladies. Simple coloring books for those who wish to color. Or, simply sit and talk to them for a few minutes. Don't be surprised if after awhile you find yourself wanting to go and visit. The residents become friends. If they are veterans or served in the military, many love to talk about their "old Army or Navy days!" Please, continue to be a part of your spouse's new world. It's a lonely place, but love doesn't end because of Alzheimer's. Sometimes spousal love grows stronger. Wouldn't you want the same if the situation were reversed? God bless you.

MsPatS - - you may want to update your profile, which indicates that your husband is at home even though we now know he's in a VA facility...

You said that you're watching your savings disappear - - I see you are in Maryland and I have no idea what the rules are there, but you may want to see a knowledgeable Elder Care attorney to find out if you can conserve some of your assets as the well spouse.

Depending on what your assets and your income are, your husband may be eligible for Medicaid assistance, or even VA benefits if he was in an active war or conflict situation.

I visit my 88 yr old dad almost daily. He has declined quite a bit the past several month. I always ask how he is then talk about the weather and what’s going on. I tell him what’s for lunch, dinner. I bring him treats. He hasn’t said my name for a long time and I’ve accepted it. Once in a while he asks where she is-she being mom and I always fib as mom passed away almost 4 years ago. I don’t stay long. Some days are better than others.