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Dependable4370 Asked March 2017

How do you tell a sister to stop taking things every time she visits?

My sister has always had a history of taking what she wants. I have everything in my favour legally to protect my mother, but off and on my mother forgets and when my sisters asks she will give her something, a chair, a painting, but then later she says where did that go? She also has a habit of going in and taking things when we are out of town.im going to change the locks and not give her the key, but I want to tell her my plans in advance in a diplomatic manner. Oh by the way my sister has personality disorder so I'm also dealing with serious mental health issues and want to be sensitive to that as well. I'm trying to keep the peace but am tired of my sister taking advantage of my mother.

Dependable4370 Mar 2017
Thank you so much all! We have done the labels, years ago when my dad had Alzheimer's, even making it fun. My sister is A, I'm B and brother C. He would say, there's a C on the roof! I did write my sister, she is deaf so hard to communicate, and advise that no one is to remove anything any more and a video inventory has been made. She isn't talking to me. Lol... She will... When she wants something !

Midkid58 Mar 2017
RainMom has the best answers!!

My older brother routinely helped himself to stuff from Mother & Daddy's. He'd pawn it, or whatever. He believed as "eldest son" he stood to inherit everything. What an idiot. As time passed Mother & dad realized stuff was going missing--and even after we moved them to an apartment in my brother's home, he was still thieving. Mother was competent and allowed it. Guilt drove her to let him take almost anything. We are slowly sorting mother's hoard from the "big house" that has been stored and slowly she is realizing that many more things are missing than originally thought. Brother died 4 years ago, so there's no recourse there....mother did learn from this to label and catalog things she wants to give to people, but I am sure when she dies it will still be a hot mess. She has promised the same piece of furniture to 3 people.
I was the only one who stood up to thieving brother and called him out--but since Mother allowed it (and usually added some cash to the kitty) what good did talking to him do? It was only when I caught him going through MY bedroom dresser looking for a valuable vase (he was going to have it appraised for me, he said) did I get really, really angry and forbade him from coming to my home.
Some people......sigh.

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BarbBrooklyn Mar 2017
Nailed it, Rainmom!!

Countrymouse Mar 2017
Like it, Rainmom :)

One small extra suggestion: my friend's mother, who had quite a lot of nice china and paintings and small furniture, put labels on their backs/undersides with the names of the people she wanted to have them.

I wish I could say it successfully avoided all family arguments after her death, sigh... It didn't, but only because of perceived slights about mother's wishes, not because it wasn't clear what those wishes were.

You can't necessarily win :(

Dependable4370 Mar 2017
Wow, great answer. Thank you!!

Rainmom Mar 2017
I'd tell your sister that yes, you recognize that you mother is giving her things - but later mom does not remember doing it and becomes very upset and it's difficult for you to settle mom down. I honestly don't think it's necessary to tell your sister you are changing the locks. Deal with that when it comes up "I'm sorry you couldn't get into the house - but since you knew we were not home it didn't occur to me that you'd be coming over". What's sis gonna say? "I had plans to pilfer more furniture after you asked me not to do it anymore"?

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