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NorthHand46 Asked March 2015

Does anyone have an uncomfortable feeling about the way and how often their loved one is touching them?

I don't know if I'm making more of this than it is but my FIL is always putting his hand on my lower back and rubbing it. He also rubs the side of my face and pushes my hair away from my face. I almost feel like I've taken the place of his wife in his mind since she passed away suddenly 3 months ago. He has Alzheimers so probably doesn't think this is inappropriate and maybe it's not but it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't want to scold him for doing this, but what else should I do?

JoAnn29 Mar 2015
I take care of my Mom. Don't think I'd take care of someone who kept touching me and it made me uncomfortable. If possible, would leave some stuff for my husband to do if its his father.

sherry1anne Mar 2015
I don't think this is a socially inappropriate touching, but we are such an up-tight society that I would probably be bothered by this touching as well. When he does it, try this, take his hands in your hands, squeeze his hands gently and say something kind like " I know you miss (his wife's name) and look directly at him. Drop his hands and go on about what you were doing. This acknowledges his loss/emotional needs and stops the touch. I think the idea of a pet is a good one.

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Veronica91 Mar 2015
If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it is wrong. When he starts pull away givng him a quick hug and say something like"Is ther anything else i can get for ?" as you back away out og close contact. If he is touching while you are doing personal care just move his hand away and if he persists I personally would just give his hand a quick slap while you move his hand and tell him his behaviour has to stop or you can't continue to care for him. have you discussed this with your husband.?
Do you have pets in the house? Maybe a small dog or cat even a rabbit might give him something to cuddle. His behaviour may simply be affection and gratitude for your care. Was he demonstative before his wife died?

sanity53 Mar 2015
I was doing Home makers and Companaions while looking for full time work. Had know idea within a year Id be doing it from home with my mother!!
I did have a gentleman client who was so very nice. we took walks almost everyday. as we walked he would talk about how much he and his wife would walk on the beach when they were young and lived in FL..
he actually tried to kiss me a few times ! it was creep but cute.... he started giving me gifts that were once belonged her .. I would give them back to his kids of course.. but they had to tell him that it was inappropriate for his actions toward me... after that if I didn't come one day .he would say that he thought I didn't like him any more... the whole thing was kinda cute.

Im having more of problem with the way my mother grabs my arms or where ever when I lift her from bed to commode to wheelchair.. I realize she is afraid of falling but so many times a day and everyday ,,Its beginning to grate on my nerves.. and I hate that I feel that way...

ferris1 Mar 2015
Why not take his hand away, and tell him touching you makes you feel uncomfortable. Just because he has dementia does not make it okay to touch you inappropriately. Stand up for yourself! Men have been getting away with touching inappropriately for hundreds of years, but that doesn't make it right!

cwillie Mar 2015
Inappropriate sexual behaviour is fairly common in dementia, I doubt that you are overreacting. Remember that in his mind he may be a 20 year old, and if you care for him physically at all he may interpret this as sexual advances. You don't have to put up with it, find a way to distract or redirect him. Have you watched any of Teepa Snow's videos on youtube? I know she discussed this topic.

ReneeA Mar 2015
If you are uncomfortable then that is what is important. Maybe find another way you can touch that feels better for you if he is missing affection. I.e. my grandfather loved having his back scratched. Maybe he would like to brush your hair if you felt comfortable with that. Older people still require physical touch too. Maybe a quick redirection into a side hug would meet both of your needs. Perhaps other members of the family can help you by giving him more hugs. Be creative and try some different ideas. I hope you can find avenues that work for you both.

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