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I swore never to bring someone into my life. Now I found him and Mom is too much. He has been very supportive.. and great with talking to my mother as I have nothing to talk to her about anymore..in fact the sound of her voice is like nails on a board to me. he came in knowing my hands were full and didn't seem to care. but its my attitude and negative thoughts that my life is just one burden after another and I dont see positive things happening in the future,,im so worried about being broke,whats going to happen to me (mom and I live in her house ) am I ever going to get a decent job after this,, etc,, I
I m afraid I may be just pushing him away when I say that he'd be better off with someone who is free and doesn't have such a heavy burden.. it makesme almost hate my mother for holding me back from being happy

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my husband had loads of affairs/one nights/whatevers but not always with women so I am afraid even with the almighty himslef I wouldn't have taken him back. Forgiven now though and all is well we live happily apart
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Francis only you can decide what I meant by his tool belt! sniggers
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Wait a minute, Jude, you are talking about his actual tool belt, right?? Yikes.
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LOL Jude, Amen.
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Oh youre all far too nice I would have cut off his tool belt completely - and learned DIY!!!!!
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I responded before I saw some of the updates and other opinions. I have to agree that they both are "at fault", and if that is nature's course, you may be dodging a BIG bullet... a blessing in disguise. Let them have eachother..and he can hang his toolbelt elsewhere...but you should retain house improvement rights when needed ;) Free of charge of course.
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I think you should invite them both over to your house for dinner, then take off on your own either with another friend or "hot date"... ask them to mind Mom while you're out for awhile... Kidding, that scene popped into my head like the commercial where the couple drops the baby off at mom and dads then the baby's parents take off..but...evil grin here...it just maaaayyy work. We're all friends here, right?? ;) Women, can't live with them, can't shoot em. (disclaimer: I don't intend on, nor have I ever shot anyone) And I'm a straight woman here talking, where is the loyalty? Why do women have to be so competitive with eachother?? ARGH..it totally drives me nuts. And excuse me, and for WHAT? A guy??? Come on! Sorry for the rant. All things being said, you'll have to take the open hand approach, love and let go freely.
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Sanity before you kick him out make sure you use his toothbrush to clean out the commode and under the rim of the toilet - not that I am remotely vindictive of course. And if you do decide to make him one last meal make sure they are individual pies and that his contains something like I and love and you canned dog food...dont worry they use human grade ingredients!!!!!!! And some wonder why noone crosses me ....or why I am still single!!!!! It would have to be a brave man wouldnt it?
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oh and CountryMouse your are so right!!!!
She could have called and said Id like to make dinner or treat to drinks for B. for all the work he's done would you mind even though she paid him ???? but she didn't.
but then again he should have thought about his actions.. cause now Im going to wonder where he is spending his free time if its not ice fishing or working..
Its been a long week!!! getting my hair cut today.. Just maybe I'll be able to think more clearly Ha !! ha !
As he says 90% of my problem thinking are between my ears !!! and I cant think of 1000 scenarios that night. ( I tend to way over think things a lot )
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thanks ladies !!!
yes its a tough spot. Im still upset with him and he knows it. I am letting him make the next moves...this literally could be a game changer in what ever it is that we are doing . I just value what weve had threw the years and I want to protect it.. He is floundering with all the changes in his life the past year. Im hoping when he gets back to real job he will get his head in the game...I need help with this house (water in the basement soon and lawn will need mowing..and if it comes to him doing that in lieu of storage fee and we just greet and be polite , I may just have to grin and bare it. I don't have $ to hire someone. and YES he has been a bright light on a daily basis as Im home all day, seeing him has given me things to look forward to.
I have not spoken to her. ( but my daughter borrowed her suit case for next week so I will have to at some point)
but she doesn't know boundaries.. she over stepped a few years ago when my ex husband was in ICU ( almost died from drinking) the same week she asked to take my daughter to lunch with hers.. WELL it turned out to be just her and mine.. She proceed to talk to her about AA meetings and wanted take her. Not her place!!! it was bad enough he was in ICU nobody wasn't talking about anything my poor kid had enough with school she was 14? So I flipped didn't speak to her for 5 years. then one day we bumped into each other ironically our daughters were getting wisdom teethe out .. same day same office. same DR.
and here we are today .
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Reading that post may come off as being harsh to a lot of folks...BUT....I dated a man seriously for a long time...TOO LONG....who was "God's gift to women"....he initially played the role of the doting gentleman caller, was always there, ready to be helpful at a moments notice...did sweet things for me....was a deacon at his church...everyone thought highly of him..EVERYONE....he was good..oh brother was he good.....slick is what I call it now...After reeling me in, (which took quite a while because I was coming out of a bad relationship so I was VERY cautious and not easily fooled...or so I thought) but turns out he had been dating other women the entire time he had been seeing me...not only in our town, but all over the place..this womanizer gave womanizers a bad name....

Now I'm not saying your friends is like this jerk...but men (and women) can be really deceptive , especially when they know someone is already in a vulnerable situation...at the time one of my vulnerabilities was that my Daddy was very sick and I was having to spend a lot of time living out of a suitcase running the two hour trip back and forth to my hometown (now my current one) and while he played the role of the dutiful suitor, incluing sweet calls to me to check on my Daddy that man was out dancing, dining, and honky tonkying allover creation and back...I guess I share this as much now because for sure, I have no reason to compare your friend which this bozo jackass womanizing goomer, but he could have won an Oscar for his oh so elegant demeanor...all the while he was bouncing all over creation and who knows what else....
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oops..meant if HE were a gentleman..not WE.... sorry
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I probably need to just keep my opinion to myself...my heart feels for you, sanity, but, sorry, my opinion is that your "friend" is a witch and the boyfriend is an a**......

In my opinion, had this man cared as he represented himself to, he would not have been so ready to accept the dinner date...the friend certainly is NO friend, and I would not think twice about kicking his butt to the curb.

Caregiving is hard enough. It saps our emotions, wears us down, sometimes makes us feel like we need to try and hang on to something, anything, because we don't know what the future holds..but really, even when we're not caregivers, would you really accept this kind of behavior off a man...you shouldn't. period. This man is not a child. He knows your situation and should understand why you can't be at the ready, and if we were a real gentleman he would never have accepted the dinner date..he sounds like trouble make that TROUBLE........None of us are promised tomorrow....I have the same concerns about life on down the road, but they would be there regardless of my Mama...and to be honest there is not a man on this planet who is worthy of my blaming my Mama for my unhappiness....he's not worth it...if he was, you wouldn't be feeling this way because he wouldn't be making you feel this way.

I don't mean to be rude or hateful, I have been through this BS too many times with men who could play the role of the perfect gentleman long enough to "snag my heart" and once he saw he had me, let the games begin.....
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I claim the record for the largest number of mixed metaphors ever in that post. Sorry to anyone who minds that kind of thing :(
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It's awfully difficult when you're hovering between those non-committal and "have we actually got something going here" stages. You don't want to be a dog in the manger and keep him hanging around when you haven't really-and-truly got time for him, but on the other hand he is a bright spot in your otherwise rather overcast landscape and it's a bit much for someone else to zip in there and pinch him like that. And then again it shouldn't be any skin off your nose if he helps her out with odd jobs: you wouldn't mind, presumably, if she'd had the courtesy to check with you first that you hadn't any plans for that time, would you? But she didn't check, and what does that tell you. Humph. She's dangerously close to being a snake in the grass.

If you're close enough, or were, you could call her and say you don't mind his helping a friend but you'd appreciate it if she could contact you together when she wants to ask him for something in case you have prior plans? It's true you don't own him, of course, but she needs to know that someone who says a given friendship/relationship "means a lot to him" is not quite a free agent and therefore fair game.

I feel for you. If I had every hour back I've spent pointlessly trying to untangle this kind of dilemma my garden would be much tidier, is all I can say. Very hard to put it to the back of your mind and concentrate on more immediate priorities.

Oh nuts to him. Call him now and tell him to get those doughnuts in, and yours with extra sprinkles. It'll help the tax forms go down. Keep posting!
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quote - "He said he would never be interested in her and if it meant losing me he wouldn't..
I know I cant ask him not to see her.. but it hurt... and I feel even more alone and even trying to see where our relationship could go seems hopeless"

I agree it is more about him than her, but she is not behaving well either. and yes, you can set the limit of exclusivity on your relationship with him, if you need that. That is looking after yourself.

I took that as he was saying he would not see her any more of it meant you set that limit. I don't see that as you asking him, but him offering.

If you are being intimate with him, should you not have established right off that the relationship was exclusive, if only for health's sake? He has privileges at your house by remodelling and using your garage. Now he is having second thoughts about his relationship with you. Who is getting what they want out of this?

You obviously are not comfortable with him dating other females. I think most women would not be, considering your involvement with him. I would be honest about that with him and let him know what is and is not acceptable to you and what the consequences are. Otherwise, I think you are in for more hurt. It is not that you are telling him what he can or cannot do, but you are telling him what you can or cannot do. He has it pretty good if he has you and your home open to him and also freedom to do what he wants with other women. I wouldn't tolerate it. Let him set his tools up in her garage.

A young woman went after G asking him to help her around her house - even though she had a live in boyfriend her child called "Daddy". G , who is very naïve about such things, did not think there was anything else to it, till something happened that showed her intent. She even called me to clarify the nature of the relationship G and I had because an idiot mutual friend had told her I was only his landlady. She was very upset when she found out differently. I asked G abut the details and was totally convinced that he had no other motives that doing some repairs/renos to earn a few bucks and help out, which he does some times, However, I set the limit that she was to be out of his life period - no more repairs there - if he wanted to stay in my life. We had already established that we wanted to be permanent and exclusive. I think it is so important to set the terms at the beginning, but it is never too late to do that.

My heart goes out to you. You are very vulnerable in this situation. Please look after yourself. If he wants to play around with more than one women, better to find out now.
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Why on earth are we blaming the other woman.... the real person in question is the "boyfriend".... isn't "no" in his vocabulary when it comes to another woman asking him over for dinner/drinks?

Be careful, some guys like a good cat fight especially when he's the center of attention. If the first cat fight goes away, be aware that there will be another. I know I've been through that type of situation, and never again will I do it a second time. I now have too much self-worth, and no man is worth it if he acts that way.
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still feeling " growly' love that Country Mouse !!!
I haven't spoken to her and I realized that she didn't call me that Sunday am as usual as well.. Don't know exactly what Im going to do or say.
as for Him.. he was here and I told him. that I value what ever it is that we have right now and Im going to protect it. and its going to make me uncomfortable if he starts " hanging out " with her... he didn't take to that so well. Said I seem like Im telling him who he can pick for friends. I said I don't own you. Im just stating that Im not comfortable with her right now. Id work on feeling territorial but IDK...... I asked what he wanted to do and he wants to continue as we have been as it means a lot to him.
Today I woke up wondering if I have made a mistake by saying what I did.
feeling that I may have just pushed him by saying that whatever " we are right now" I feel like hes still mine in a sense.. we laughed cause he said why don't I just get a tattoo that says property of " me" aka Sanity...
of course my mother was wondering where her donuts from him were...
What do I do.. Im working on Moms T19 papers,her taxes caring for her needs and all I can think of is this situation.... and Im very short on patience with my mother... moments of feeling sorry for myself and stuck alone. or do I just wait and see what happens when he starts his new job ( cause he wont be working at her house unless she starts calling him to fix something on the weekends. which I think she will) or just tell him on second thought maybe we should just call it quits now before something really bad happens so he can do what ever he wants with who..... and we lose all these years.
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With friends like that, who needs enemies? I would no more considering inviting a friend's boyfriend over for dinner, then drinks, than I can fly. The woman appears to have designs and is not your friend. She is probably a desperate grabber of anything that looks like it might be available. There are a lot of women like that around.
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Oh poo. I feel quite growly on your behalf, not so much about him but about your friend. She could have kept her mitts off for the sake of good manners, if nothing else. Still! - just see how it goes. And be demanding of the small things that he CAN do to be your friend without getting in your way - take you to a movie, buy you take-out every so often, that kind of thing. But you're right, you are all of you free agents and you can't lay down who goes where with whom or who cooks for whom. Save your energy for the bits that matter and let the rest of it just happen.
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thank you all for your insite ! and yes a lot of it is me.
there was a development..he has decided not to be serious with me as of couple weeks ago.. (he has some personal issues with his ex and children and needs space.personally I didn't think he was ready for me and all that I have on my plate .. Ive known him since grade school.. we were both our first kiss.and for year he has become a fixture at my house.. He had to move back to CT and as along time friend then becoming more than that. I said he could keep all this tools, snow blower. motorcycle etc. in my garage.. and been helping me with the house needs. I got the idea that he was settling in.he convinced me that He was here to stay...I surrenderd.. ( he set up the garage the way he wanted.. put in new lighting etc..
He has been helping my friends with snow removal .they have been paying him. while he gets back to work.... ( he retired at 51) but One friend in particular has been calling him for every thing. She has always been a little of a threat. They have a lot in common and when she would come over I would feel left out as I would have to go take care of MOM while they enjoyed visiting I had to him that wasn't comfortable with her and he said my jealousy was not an attractive quality..but I managed to let it go as he was definetly showing that I meant something. and I have been giving him space.. he has kinda stopped bringing mom her dunkin donuts.. it was an almost daily thing
. Well Saturday.. I couldn't get a hold of either of them... my gut told me they were to gether... he told me off the bat on Sunday when He came for dinner...She offered to make him dinner which then turned out to going out for drinks.. I lost it and cried...both say they are just friends but... it would have been nice if she invited me for a bit.. I only live across town and would have been able to go after I put mom to bed for at least an hour. He lives a stone throw away down the street...
. They knew I wouldn't be able to go... He was honest about nothing happening..but if he is going to spend time with her.(not working for her) its matter off time... He said he would never be interested in her and if it meant losing me he wouldn't..
I know I cant ask him not to see her.. but it hurt... and I feel even more alone and even trying to see where our relationship could go seems hopeless.
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sanity - I am a distance care giver age 77, care giving my 102 yr old mother who is in an ALF. Over 5 years ago, I met someone I am still with. I have issues, different from yours, but I still wonder if we can make it. He is a kind person and has been very helpful with the various times we have had to move mother. Also he is a good sounding board for me. Can you talk openly with your friend about your feelings? I have tried to push my friend away at times but he won't go. Adjusting to a new person in your life takes time and energy, but it has been worth it so far. I agree working on your self esteem would be a good thing and also carving out some alone time with him. He knows your situation and sounds like a good guy. Maybe he needs to be needed. Good luck and keep us updated.
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Is there any way you and he could go out a few nights a week? Sometimes it's good not to be too available to a new man anyway, and it may peak his interest that you are not always available. Do you have any siblings that can help you with caregiving?
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Sanity53-you are lucky you found a nice guy who understands the situation. Go with it! You deserve to be happy and have someone/something to take your mind off caregiving. Do the best you can, don't chase him off because of what MAY happen. Appreciate the time you spend together. I have the same thoughts and worry will I ever have the time/energy for the "one" again.....be thankful. We should all be so lucky to find someone to support us in this time of our lives! Live your life the best you can!
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It sounds to me like you need any support you can get. This guy sounds like he's a straightupguy. Yes things are going to get more difficult as your mother ages and declines. There is no way around this. You have no choice but to take it as it comes. (Just like all of us). I would advise taking it easy and slow with any new relationship but if it seems like it may work try to find a way to balance your life to include this fellow and your caregiver life.
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sanity, the problem doesn't seem to be so much your mother. It seems more like you don't feel worthy of being loved, particularly with the heavy baggage you're carrying at the moment. Maybe you can do something to work on your self image. Perhaps the last few years have taken you into depression with all the worrying that is going on in your mind. In your shoes I would think about some medical care -- perhaps an antidepressant to pick my mood up. If you could feel better about yourself and what you do, your baggage might not look so heavy.
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Um. Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself?!

If you've had the good fortune to meet someone who is happy to go with the flow, why not let him and see what happens? Better than sending him packing because you can't yet lead the life you'd like to with him. If he finds all the restraints too much in the end, then so be it; but don't decide that for him in advance. That would be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy.
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