If a family member was promised they would die in their own home and the spouse changed their mind, what should the adult child do?

The lesson here as always is never make promises that you may not be able to keep.
As an adult child you have absolutely no rights in this situation unless there is abuse concerned when you can involve the appropriate authorities.
Providing support for the primary caregiver in this case a spouse is the only option.

Support the caregiver. Offer to do specific tasks like food shopping, lawn mowing, call in healthy take out meals. Visit with your parent so that she can take a break, take a walk, get some exercise or read a book.

Nobody should ever promise something as ridiculous as never using a nursing home. It sounds good at the moment, but life may have other plans. Hard decisions come with age and infirmity. No choices should be taken out because of a pressured statement in the past. It may very well be the best option at some point.

Child should stay out of all transactions between husband and wife. Period.

My mother was a good person. She died years ago on a Thanksgiving. Except for that day that she died, Thanksgiving has never been sad for me. That is a day I give special thanks for what a good person she was and remember how happy we were with her. There's an old song, a theme song from a really old radio show, I think, that was part of the music she wanted at her funeral. It's called Brighten the Corner Where You Are. That's a wonderful philosophy and guidance for how to live our lives. Just brighten the corner where you are.

Hi, Aldervalaam. I agree with previous responses. If your family member needs more professional care and the spouse is unable to continue care, that should be a comfort to you. My mom made and kept that promise to my dad. When he died, she was on the verge of a nervous and physical breakdown. My father needed to be somewhere with more professional care, and I know it must have broken his heart to see the condition that she was in. I feared that she might die before he did. So, take comfort that the family member is getting more professional help and that the spouse realizes that. It is a very difficult situation, but sometimes the health and ability of the spouse/caretaker to keep the promise have to be considered. I learned that with the worry about my mother. I hope these postings bring you comfort about the decision. PS. Vegaslady you had a compassionate mother who obviously loved her family.

Actually my mom did want to die in a hospital. She thought dying at home would be hard on the family and bring sad memories into the home when it should be remembered in a happier way. She got her wish.

I agree as well. It's the spouse's decision. If the adult child wants to be helpful, be supportive to the spouse. It probably wasn't an easy decision.

I agree that you should respect the spouses decision. I am sure it was not an easy decision and they will need your support now more than ever. I kept my dad with dementia at home as long as I could but knew when the time came to place him in a NH it was the right decision. He got excellent care.

Nothing. It's not your call. Support the care giver's wishes. By your doing that, you will make the transition to professional care easier on your loved one.

Remember, NOBODY says I want to die in a hospital. Or I want to die in a hospice center. These feelings are very natural. Yet, for the sake of your loved one? In many, if not most, cases? A professional setting is more appropriate and easier on your loved one.

Do they have a health care proxy_POA.. Even if they were promised to be able to stay home, often the care is too much for the caregiver.. Most HCP state that the POA can make the decision to put the patient in a NH..