My fiancé has been watching after her dad for 12 yrs. ever since her mother passed away. We have been together for almost 8 yrs. She has always made me bite my tongue when he decides to verbally bash her, even though out of six kids she is the only one that will put up with him. he has a major gambling problem (I was glad we moved to a no gambling state) he has been showing decline in memory for yrs. but he will never agree to see anyone. He now never bathes and if I bring it up he gets offended and ignores us. He stinks to high heaven and definitely has Alzheimer's ( I took care of my grandmother who had it and I know the signs) my biggest fear is he will take off or get sick and when he is being looked at they are gonna blame my fiancé for his shabby smell and appearance. She gave 12 yrs too her mother when she had cancer and then got saddled with a father who blames all his unhappiness on her. I am trying to be supportive of this whole situation but enough is enough.... he is ungrateful and stinks.....How in the world do you get someone who will not even get a flu shot to a psych eval? Any helpful feedback will be greatly appreciated.
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less valuable and worthy people than he is?
What about an ultimatum? "Dad, we are very glad that we are able to provide a nice place for you to live. But to stay here you will need to bathe or shower at least once a week. If you can't agree to that we'll respect your choice and start looking for somewhere else for you to live."
I feel sorry for your FIL. He's obviously somewhat cognitively impaired, and he did not deliberately bring that condition on himself. But I also feel sorry for the rest of you. Just because it isn't his fault doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
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It would be good if you had a clear diagnosis (insofar as that is possible) to deal with. I hope you can get some outside help to arrange that.
But Dad's behavior is likely to continue, with or without a diagnosis. Have you tried setting some ground rules? "If you are going to live in this house, a weekly bath or shower is required. If that is not acceptable, we will help you find another place to live."
Your fiancé is the only one of his children who will put up with him. Maybe she is extremely compassionate, and maybe she is a martyr, and maybe it is some of each. But the question in my mind is why are you putting up with this? If enough is enough for you, what are you willing to do about it?