My 90-yr alcoholic mom is abusing the caregiver for my 94-yr old dad and abusing family too. She has dementia but won't give up control. What can we do?

joyce, the other night she said something like, 'if you have to die (being drunk) is a pretty good way to go!' To which i said, 'yeah, falling face first on the concrete sounds real good!' Would that they would die in a peaceful drunken sleep--but it doesn't usually happen that way. My brother, one of her three sons, died last august by falling when he was drunk. After seeing my dad over the last month i can see that the human body holds on a long time...allowing people to suffer a long time, even if they want to die. Ugh. I don't want to get old!

What does your father think about all this? If he is unhappy in the situation, maybe you can get him help, but if he will just take her side, there's not too much you can do. You can report them to Adult Protective Services as an elder in a dangerous situation, but that doesn't always help.

Not certain what the rules are about rehab, but I know in our state you can have someone involuntarly "committed" for 48-72 hours. I am guessing if you needed to involve police, if your mom turned violent, that would give them all the more reason to keep her.
Is she a happy drunk or a mean drunk? The reason I ask is that my SIL is a happy one. The more sloshed she stays, they better. Sober her up and she is mean.
Also, does she drink and drive? If so, wait until she is drunk and goes out and then make a call to police and report her.
Also, (and I don't mean to sound hateful by this) but if she is 90 and a heavy alcoholic, it may not be a problem much longer (e.g. automatic health concern due to age, mix alcohol with pills unknowingly, falls, etc). So sometimes, the only thing you can do is avoid people like that as much as possible and just wait until the time comes. Then live in peace.

Thanks for writing My brother lives in Hawaii and has no slack for this. I could consider it, but I'm currently unemployed so would need a lot of financial support to be able to do this (also we all live in a high-rent area). No way would my mom go to rehab! She would kill someone before she would do that...she 'loves' her alcohol.

Things that come to mind that may help: putting your mom in a rehab facility to get her help with her alcoholism, obtaining guardianship of your father, consult an attorney about what role your brother can play since he is on the trust.
Have you also considered you or your brother moving your dad in with one of you?