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nothingspecial Posted June 2022

Caregiver secrecy and entitlement to shut out other siblings

Caregivers often complain no one helps, yet they isolate the parent, refuse to give relevant info or work with or around siblings schedules like work or caregiving for minor children and get nasty, bossy, secretive and demanding and have also a huge entitlement to everything of their parents, including the parent home and personal property. They frequently have the elder put everything in the carer's name and basically hold seige against the other siblings and often the wishes of the elder parent still retaining their faculties. They do last-minute will changes, and seemingly prey on their worried, ill and medically needy and sometimes childlike parents. Often the caregiver has lived free of charge off the parents and their parents' assets for years and this sibling watches the rarely allowed visits from others like a hawk, with the eyeballs of a loss control officer at Walmart, treating the siblings that have never taken a dime from their parent(s) like criminals casing the joint. This scenario is rigged against getting the help they claim to need, want and seek. Why don't they have any perspective about why they are meeting resistance from the other siblings who love their parent but can see how the caregiver has rigged and controls the game plan. The passive aggression is astounding.

CTTN55 Jun 2022
I echo the commenters below -- your scenario is NOT what is seen on this forum!

Would love to read more about your story.

lealonnie1 Jun 2022
What we read about here quite frequently, in fact, is the caregiver to the parent(s) half dead themselves and broke, with nowhere to live after the parent dies. Having given of themselves tirelessly with nothing but burnout to show for their effort, often getting no thanks (or a spit in the eye, better yet) from the parent, or help, understanding or compassion from their siblings. Just plenty of judgement and accusations.

Very rarely (never) have I seen a story where the caregiver to the parent gets 'rich' from their effort, which is really quite laughable when you consider what they've sacrificed in the process. Most often, it's their life, their marriage, children, jobs, social lives, etc. To others it may SEEM easy and effortless, but to the caregiver it can seem hopeless, thankless and never ending.

It would be interesting to read your siblings' side of things.

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Evamar Jun 2022
Caregiving is the hardest job ever and it includes so many responsibilities and switching from on job to another.
Cook, cleaner, driver and on and on, often 24/7 with little help.
I calculated one time how much it would cost for sick person with average of 10 years of disease. Over 15, 000 per month, if you hired caregivers, in many cases is going to be 2 or 3 caregivers every day. Multiplying by 10 years it comes to about 2 millions
Entitlement, I think not.

Daughterof1930 Jun 2022
The times I’ve seen situations similar to what you describe, it stemmed from the parent long ago establishing an unhealthy dynamic in their relationship with the controlling adult child. There’s some sort of twisted codependency between the two that feeds this toxic stew. Most caregivers only want the best for those they love and are honestly doing the best they can, I’m sorry your experience is different

Pmruns Jun 2022
Was there a question?

In my few months reading about other caregivers’ experiences on this forum, I’ve “frequently” seen quite the opposite. It seems many caregivers are hyper vigilant about managing their parent’s assets and often, although not wise, dig deep into their own pockets to make sure that the parents are well cared for and that all of their needs are met. Often, this is to the caregiver’s own detriment eating away at their own retirement savings. They seem to be overworked, often stressed physically, mentally, and emotionally to the point that the stress effects their own health and happiness.

I’m sorry that your situation is so difficult. I hope you’ll find a solution.

anytown Jun 2022
'and have also a huge entitlement to everything of their parents, including the parent home and personal property. They frequently have the elder put everything in the carers name and basically hold seige against the other siblings and often the wishes of the elder parent still retaining their faculties.'

Odd, that this happens 'frequently', yet I've never heard of one single specific instance of it, ever.

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