Just to release my anxiety, morphine.

I'm so disillusioned … I should have left it alone. Before Easter , they put my mom on Morphine for pain ..She couldn’t string 4 words together.. I felt compelled to know it wasn’t the morphine doing that... In the meantime her vitals were declining…we went back to her pain medication prior to the morphine, just a little stronger… the hallucinations are back, still very confused but, can communicate better. Was having trouble swallowing, and also not eating on morphine. Now she has started eating. Hospice has decided that this is her new baseline. I as well as hospice had begun to think she was moving into the last days…

There is longevity in my family, her dad's twin lived to 104😮😳 I know I shouldn’t beat myself up, but I keep thinking her time to go was stolen because I didn’t leave it be ….I know if they decide morphine is needed again, I won’t question it.

I know some of you would consider me to be cold, but my mom has zippo quality of life. I know, I would not want to “live” this way…