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Ann2710 Posted July 2020

Venting: controlling sibling

I'm sorry this is long and probably familiar to some. I've been living with my parents for the last 5 years. My parents asked me to stay with them. They are 88 and 89. I have an older brother who has been living out of town up until a couple years ago. He has never taken time to see to their care and only stepped in once or twice to take Dad to an appt. when I was working. Otherwise, I schedule my work so I'm free for Dr's visits, hair cuts , groceries, medication management, theatre visits, ball games, meals, night time snacks, unexpected emergencies. You understand.


I had asked my brother a couple times to sit down and talk with me about their care and he never replied. When I saw my brother next, I asked why he never called me or replied and he said he had called me one time and I never called him back. So he felt he didn't need to acknowledge me. I apologized and said I didn't remember that, but I would try to do better. Things continued to go down hill. I think because he wanted mom and dad to go to assisted living, Mom did not and Dad would not go without her. In my brothers mind I enabled them to stay home. I lived there rent free, free food, utilities. Dad helped pay for some of my medical bills, because I turned down work to be at home with them. I think this made my brother think I was a leach. I overheard him at our house say he wanted to look at all the credit card statements and determine if I was mishandling money and he was going to get me cut off. He wanted Dad and Mom to move and me to leave.


Well Covid-19 came and I moved out so that I wouldn't risk getting my parents sick. I work in healthcare. Mom and Dad have a friend that sits with them when I'm at work, so she started checking on them for meals and staying the night. ..after a month, my brother and his wife moved the sitter out and moved into my parents, they are building a house and their lease was up. My SIL took my room. When I mentioned I was ready to move back ..my brother wrote and told me I could not move back. It was unhealthy.. He is proceeding to take over, he plans to move them to a smaller house and check on them once a day. Also, get rid of a lot of their belongings so he won't have to worry about it later. (those are his words) My brother is the executor of their estate and he has that title because of his birth order. Mom does not want to move, they can afford to stay in their house with help. Dad wants to move, he just can't make her, so I think he's thrown his money with my brother in hopes that she can be forced. Me?? I was talking to a different SIL about Mom's post knee surgery progress. She said, 'I hope my kids take care of me like you do for your parents" An acknowledgement from my brother would have been nice. Ultimately it's what my parents want. All my dad will say is "whatever is best for you," different then "I would like you to stay and help take care of Mom." Why do I feel as if I've been fired?? Our sitter says after meeting him that he's arrogant and used to getting his way. So I'm feeling kind of skinned up right now. Talking about it has helped and I know you will understand.

Midkid58 Jul 2020
Well---due to COVID and the fact you are on the frontlines with that-you CAN'T move back for months, it's looking like.

There are some silver linings to COVID. I don't have to see my MIL ever again, and I now have an excuse. (Wasn't going to see her anyway, but now she's terrified of me.)

Yes,. brother kind of steamrolled his way into Mom & Dad's lives, but that may be a real blessing.

POA is not a carte blanche way to step in and take over. In fact, I see way too many people 'enacting' their POA when their LO is actually FINE with making decisions.

I'd just go on with my life and visit the folks when you feel like it. You've definitely done more than most for your folks--brother seems ready and able--let him.

BarbBrooklyn Jul 2020
"BTW, just had to come back to add that your brother is an idiot for not appreciating how much support you have given and no doubt will continue to give."

I just want to give a huge thumbs up to this sentiment and say that I think you've dodged a bullet here. You have "done your bit", been asked to move on and have every right to say "no, I can't possibly do that" when your $orry @ss brother comes crying to you that your parents need more than a once a week check-in.

If you are kind, you might suggest that your brother take a look at Medicaid regs is your state before he starts doing financial transactions. He probably won't listen to you, but you will have the internal satisfaction of being able to whisper "I told you so" under your breath when the $hit hits the fan down the road.

Go and enjoy your life. Send your parents lovely cards and visit a couple of times a year and go back to your own place, knowing that you did your best.

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Flowerhouse1952 Jul 2020
At some point when the rough gets going with your parents care, All bets are on that dear brother will want you to move in and care for them. I'd take my current life and run with it, doing whatyippy want and whenyou want. Eventually brother will want you to help. I'd tell him it's in his lap now and that he'd made it very clear you weren't wanted then and you don't want to now. You can still go visit but let dear brother handle it. It's in his corner and let it stay there. Stand up for yourself and be strong. Good luck!

cwillie Jul 2020
Hi Ann, just for the record it was crystal clear to me what you meant when you mentioned that your brother will be the executor, he is not the only one trying to tidy up while parents are still living in order to make that task proceed more smoothly when the time comes.

I think that your moving in with your parents worked well for everyone but now things have changed and it is right for everyone to move on. The disagreement between your parents is for them to work out in their own way, offer support whatever they choose but stay out of the middle (IMO that will only cause friction and grief). I do agree that a move might be the right option for them but I question moving to a smaller house unless it is fully accessible and part of a supportive senior community, as they age it is inevitable that one or both will need a high level of support and care and at their ages moves need to be made with that in mind.

BTW, just had to come back to add that your brother is an idiot for not appreciating how much support you have given and no doubt will continue to give.

MountainMoose Jul 2020
From your information on your parents, they should be mentally competent. If your brother does not have an activated POA ["activated", or enforced, meaning your brother has the power to conduct business on your parents' behalf. This is different as opposed to the parents may have signed a POA for the future when or if they are diagnosed as incompetent by a doctor].

If your brother does not have the authority to act on their behalf and your parents are mentally competent, your parents can do what they want and make their own decisions, including paying you or providing you living space in their home, or paying your medical bills. So for him to demand to see their credit card statements, get rid of their furniture, et al, is totally out of line. And he certainly has no authority over you.

Lastly, while it is good sense for him, as their executor, to look ahead and prepare for the inevitable, for him to force changes on them are WAY out of line. Best wishes to you.

Ann2710 Jul 2020
Not putting in paragraphs has made it a tough read and it was long. Sorry about that.

I moved out because I work in a healthcare setting,,and because of Covid and the risk of being exposed to someone with it...I moved out in March, 2020, from my parents so I wouldn't get them sick if I became exposed. This was a recommendation for healthcare workers that lived with immunocompromised individuals when Covid first spread.

You understand that many healthcare settings are laying off, furloughing workers..so honestly because of Covid I'm making less money..but I didn't come here to whine about that.

I haven't said anything about POA.

In regards to picking my brother because he is oldest..it is simply that. In my Grandparents will, they made my Aunt the executor, she was the oldest sibling, ..then if she were incompetent it went to my Uncle who is 2nd, and so on.. So, probably he did what his parents did. Yes, I know executor does not come into play until my parents have passed...

Yes, you are correct, unlike 5yrs ago even 1yr ago my dad is not asking me to stay. It changed and it is ultimately their decision.

I looked back and tried to see how it could have given the impression that one of my parents is in care. They both live in their own house and I have been staying with them for 5yrs. Dad wants to move, Mom does not. They have enough money to live in their own house and get care.

AlvaDeer Jul 2020
Let's start with number one. You and your brother do not agree, do not like one another, do not trust one another, do not get along. I think that is not going to change. If THAT changed, then so would everything else.
You have now apparently moved out? I somehow missed that though I read the above? And then your BROTHER and wife moved IN?
I do not see mentioned who has POA for parents? You do mention that the brother was chosen by birth order. If your parents are old-time/old world enough to do that by birth order, then likely his being the male would matter to them also.
You are outside the home now. To be frank I would STAY outside the home and I would make my own life. You are working in health care.That should afford you a salary good enough to get a small apartment. Live your own life. Offer your visits and services to bro and parents when you would like to/when you have time. Move on with your life.
There is honestly no way around this. It seems the parents are not sitting yelling and screaming at the bro and wife that they want YOU back and want HIM and his wife to leave. So they are content with this situation. It works for all, and you can make it work for yourself as well.
As far as moving into senior living, as it happens I agree with your bro. That is likely for the best and will become only more so the correct decision.
I do not know what paperwork and directions your parents have done to appoint your brother, but if they haven't then they should unless dementia is present and they are not able to.
In short, this is a hot mess. Walk away. Send love often. Offer visits when appropriate and wanted.
By the way, being an executor doesn't come into play until the parents are DEAD. So there won't be issues then. Your brother will file the will in probate court which is legal and open document, if there are any funds left to the parents. As one is already in care and the other likely going to care, there is unlikely to be any funds left unless they have quite a lot of money.

Ann2710 Jul 2020
Oops... Sorry, my post is confusing.. Hopefully I can be a little clearer. In my parents will, they list him as the executor because he is the oldest. If something happens to him prior to that time and he is unable to carry out his duties it will go to the 2nd sibling and so on.  When I referred to that I was talking about the instructions left for distribution of property, after my parents are gone..

He is building a house for himself, his wife and MIL. He is not building a house for my parents, just plans to move them to a smaller one.

My purpose?? Just to write it out.. to vent.  ..and lots of people here have times when they feel unappreciated as well.. I am working on the next..what to do next

Geaton777 Jul 2020
After reading your post more than once it occurred to me you are confusing Power of Attorney with Executor. PoA is in effect while your parents are still alive and when they can no longer make decisions in their own best interests. PoA ends the minute they pass away. Then the Executor of the Will takes care of the what had been instructed in the document by each of your parents. Did your parents tell you to your face that the reason your brother is PoA is because of birth order? Or is this an assumption? People choose their PoA for a lot of different reasons and in my experience it's not an easy or obvious decision.

You sound defeated and at a loss and I'm not sure what you are asking of the forum. Some of the problems you listed were because of familial culture: assumptions and lack of clear communication, no one is on the same page, everyone is just appeasing and feeling resentful about it underneath. You care about your parents. Your brother has everything under control (although building a small house for them at their age is an ill-advised plan). The less involved you are, the more appreciated your past contributions will be. And the less he can suspect or accuse you of. It already sounds like it's about money but this will continue to lead to further unhappiness. So, what do YOU want to do with your life moving forward?

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