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NeedHelpWithMom Posted October 2019

Elderly who are homeless in my community. I have questions about one particular woman that I befriended a few years ago.

A few years back I was picking up a couple of things from the dollar store. I met a woman who was attractive and well dressed. We struck up a conversation and she seems to be a lovely person who has fallen on hard times has family issues as well.


She has a car with insurance. She is on Medicare and a supplement. She has a post office box and a cell phone. We exchanged numbers after running into each other a few times and had pleasant conversations.


We speak on the phone. I meet her for coffee occasionally. She is 70 years old. She pays for her expenses with her social security income. She is a caregiver to the elderly for an agency from time to time. Her car is not in the best of shape and will need to be replaced one day.


Here is my dilemma. She absolutely refuses to admit to being homeless. I know for a fact that she lives in her car. I personally have seen her car. It is filled to the brim with all her belongings.


I have seen her sleeping in her car as have many others. The police have chased her out of certain parking lots that she frequents. I have inquired in the community about her circumstances and all have testified to her being homeless.


She washes up in public bathrooms. She is a very pretty woman who keeps herself very neat. You would never suspect that she is homeless.


Whenever people bring up the topic to help her she gets flustered, angry and hurt. I’d like to be able to help her further but not even sure how to help someone who isn’t honest about their life situation. I’m sure she’s embarrassed to be homeless. Breaks my heart to see it.


She has only asked me for money a couple of times and she paid back every cent even though I told her she didn’t have to. She carries herself with pride. She is intelligent and pleasant to be around.


She has started to develop a few health issues. She does make and keep her doctor appointments.


On very cold nights she has spent the night at other people’s homes showing up on their doorstep with interesting excuses and no one wants to upset her by forcing her to admit she is homeless. She will end up cleaning their homes for them even though they tell her that isn’t necessary for her to do. Then she will often stay longer than the couple of nights that she asks to stay.


I have never given her my home address because I am not comfortable with her showing up unannounced and staying more than a couple of nights.


She is estranged from her grown children and grandchildren. Her marriage ended badly. He remarried. She says she didn’t receive alimony or a settlement. She says that her children are close to their dad.


She is always on facebook. She says she is lonely. She goes to different charities for food, churches and the food bank. She does not accept meat or food that she has to cook. She keeps peanut and crackers in her car. She hangs out a lot in 24 hour stores and restaurants.


She loves to read so she loves to go to the bookstores and library.


My questions to you are, how common do you think this is among seniors? Not just homelessness but those who hide it like she does.


Do you know of any way to help someone that won’t open up about not having a home? She has mentioned that she suffers with anxiety. She rarely shows being deeply depressed.


I have introduced her to a couple of my friends. They see her around town and are concerned for her as well.


It’s just so sad. She is always in the back of my mind. Yes, we all care about all of the homeless. It is hard walking or driving past the homeless. I do give money to them. It’s hard with this woman because I got to know her.


Any ideas or thoughts in general? Thanks for feedback.

anonymous972110 Nov 2019
Condos are nonexistent in northern Maine. The average building date of an apartment building is 1923. The average building date of a single family home is 1939. Seeing new construction is rare. On the bright side, Maine has one of the highest rates of home ownership in the nation.

These women men would not be good roommate material. So far every older roommate situation I’ve encountered Has quickly blown up. Usually within a couple of weeks.

I’ve collected enough money to keep one in her existing apartment at least for three months. One I’ve found a hotel room through Dec 5th. The third I’ve found money for an airline ticket to her sisters house in Oregon. Will keep on working on raising money for emergency situations. This problem needs addressed. It’s a brick and mortar problem. New construction at all levels is needed. I was told repeatedly to get them a roommate by men. I asked several men did they want a roommate and they said NO. Real life isn’t a sitcom. The Golden Girls was a TV show.

Most people can’t live on retail wages from Walmart or Target. I see their employees at the food bank where I volunteer all the time. It’s all depressing and I don’t have solutions. My health doesn’t allow me to jump in and work like it used to. But I’m still a good fundraiser, so I can do,that.

NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
There isn’t job security anymore. My daughter just told me about an uber driver that she had recently that said she used to work at Macy’s for years and years. They let her go. The reason they told her was that they wanted new fresh faces!

The woman asked her boss if experience meant anything to the company. Her boss said, “We want new faces. We will train new people.” Isn’t that sad? So now this older woman is driving for Uber.

My daughter said she was so sweet and could tell she was depressed so she gave her a big tip. It’s disturbing to see age discrimination. The woman said she was replaced with a young woman.

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Sendhelp Nov 2019
Becky,
Can you arrange for these women to share-rent a 3 bdrm. condo together?

You may know if they would be compatible.

Also, they are of age to collect Social Security, if they are not already.
A timely application can keep their income coming after unemployment runs out. Maybe the Social Security will pay more than their unemployment.



Just a thought.

anonymous972110 Nov 2019
This past week I have been made aware of three women who are being evicted from their apartments this week. All three on Wednesday before Thanksgiving.Talk about depressing. All three lost their jobs in a recent plant closing. Not enough unemployment to pay rent. Plus the plant paid only their final checks. Rents in the town where I live are very high. These women are 65, 67 and 68. Not very likely to get a job outside of retail which also will not pay the rent. I have called churches, local charities, shelters, landlords, etc. I can’t find any help for them. If they were younger and had children there would be some options. Section 8 wait list is 18 months to two years. Senior apartments 3 to 4 years. I did make sure they got mailboxes. That way they can get SNAP. Manager at the local women’s shelter says she is always 50 or 60beds short. My only success was getting permission from a local business for them to sleep in their cars overnight in the parking lot. It’s a safe area. They have to be out by 7:30 each morning. There is construction going on and they can use the construction Port-A-Johns. But outdoor temperatures are getting really low day and night. I’ll get back to work on Monday morning.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Could be but she is still knocking on doors at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning to crash.

She told me what she gets from social security check. No way she can pay rent and other expenses.

I know she gets scared. New Orleans has it’s share of crime.

I have given up on trying to help because she won’t admit to being homeless. Everything she owns is packed in her car. Not normal for someone who owns a house.

I know of policemen who chase her out of parking lots where she tries to sleep. It’s just sad.

She doesn’t ever look unkempt. She is always very neat. She dresses nice too. She always has cute bracelets and earrings on. I feel she is too embarrassed to ask for help.

OkieGranny Oct 2019
What if she wants to live that way? Some people want to live on the streets or in their cars, believe it or not. Sometimes it is because they don't want to live by the rules that shelters have. Another possibility is that she is mentally ill, has a home, but won't stay there. Not everyone is telling the whole truth about his or her situation.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Here’s the thing though, we have the UNITY program here. She would qualify because her social security check is only $900.

The rent is based on income but that would eat into money she uses for other things so it’s sad.

She has never applied for it. She won’t admit to being homeless and gets mad when someone suggests she is homeless. I don’t bring up the topic with her because I don’t want to upset her. It’s awkward at times.

Anonymous1256 Oct 2019
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. She has to hit rock bottom hard very soon before she gets up and asks for the help that she needs.I am sorry that this is happening to you. I do hope things get better for her soon.

EssieMarie Oct 2019
My 73 year old cousin is exactly like what you describe your homeless friend. My cousin is bipolar and refuses to take her meds. As a result, she roams the streets and lives in the library early morning to time it closes. She has no car but has been living on her SSI which is about 1000.00 a month. Relatives have tried taking her in but find they have to tell her to leave due to her strange behavior. She also is estranged from her children and grand children and her own mother will not take her in. She is otherwise intelligent and physically active. Last i heard she is living in a Catholic shelter. So sad. I have often thought about having her here but listening to my one cousin who took her in but she was defiant and created chaos and she too had to ask her to leave. She's getting closer to age 80 and i worry about her well being. You are not alone.

GardenArtist Oct 2019
VegasLady, excellent insights and advice;  it's always very helpful to see the side of those in professional positions of caring for those considered homeless.

vegaslady Oct 2019
In my job to determine eligibility for food stamps and welfare, I meet homeless people every work day. The ones who have a vehicle don't seem to be as bad off as those who are "street camping", especially if the vehicle is still driveable. I've seen many who feel lucky to have a bicycle or longboard (skateboard used for travel). A clean person with food and shelter ( the car) is not how most of us want to get by, but to some people it is a step above others they know. I have have met people who are proud of their "pallette palace" (a shelter composed of wooden pallettes, not just cardboard or a tarp, or nothing). I have talked to people who sleep in a shed for sale at a chain home improvement store, or in a food storage shed at a small local food bank. There is not enough housing that is anywhere near affordable. Many homeless people have plenty of physical and mental health issues. I've talked to plenty of people who have weird health issues I've never even heard of before. If you can help someone find resources for affordable housing, geat. I caution everyone however to be careful about how you get personally involved. Many problems here are deeper than than they seem on the surface and you may not want to tangle yourself in the issues that really to be addressed by professionals. Help people connect to existing resources or take community action steps to create more resources. But please be careful about taking in people you don't really know....this site is full of people who are regretting taking in people they know and love.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Needtowashhair,

You may very well be right. She has a pleasant disposition and rarely complains. It’s just sad because she has developed some health issues. I do feel that she is definitely doing the best that she can.

She does say she’s lonely at times. She calls me on the phone every week. I call her sometimes too. She’s active. She has her favorite coffee shops and she likes to look around in neighborhood stores.

needtowashhair Oct 2019
I have to say it. It sounds like she's making the best of her situation. Why do you think she wants any more help? Maybe she isn't asking for help because she doesn't want it. Maybe she's living the best way she can and she's OK with it. You may be projecting how you think you would feel in that situation on to her. She may not feel the same.

What you describe as "homelessness" is called "van life". Yes, I know she lives in a car and not a van, but it's still van life. A lot of people do it by choice. A lot of people do it because they rather live by themselves in their car instead of having roommates. I've known people with perfectly fine jobs that can afford a place to live but have decided to live in their cars instead. So yes, she may indeed need help. But maybe based on the options available to her, she's chosen the option that works best for her.

Watch these videos about van life to get an idea of what it's like. Yes, most of the people that do it are young, but it's not uncommon for elderly people to do it as well.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=van+life

polarbear Oct 2019
NHWM - You're such a caring soul. Please don't feel guilty for not being able to help her more. People with mental problems often DON'T think they have problems and therefore won't seek help or accept help if offered.

Your friendship with her is already very valuable. It gives her a sense of normalcy and human contact and it keeps the door open for more help if and when she's ready. She knows she's not alone in this world. And that's a big gift you're giving her.

worriedinCali Oct 2019
Katie, and who do you think is going to pay for the RV’s insurance and the RV Park rental? There is no free parking lot for RVs, not for people who live in their RVs. It costs hundreds of dollars a month, sometimes over $1000 a month for an RV Park. Are you suggesting Needhelp should pay for that plus the costs of owning and maintaining an RV?

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
I agree, Polar. It’s just so sad to see the homeless. It really is. For some though, it’s a way of life I totally agree about many homeless people have mental health issues. I wish it was easier for people that have mental health to get help.

polarbear Oct 2019
NHWM - Please please do NOT move her in with you. You just regained your freedom from caring for your own mother. You don't need another burden and/or problem.

If this well-dressed lady really wanted to be in living in a home, she would have tried harder than couch surfing a few days here and there.

The MAJORITY of chronic homeless people DON'T want to live in a home. In California, some cities have thousands of homeless, and when the government tried to help them get housing, out of several thousand homeless, less than 10 people agreed to accept the help.

My own cousin is almost 50 years old. She's been living in her car for several years now, and she chooses that life style. She has some mental problem that unless she wants to seek help, she won't and can't live in a home. Each time she did, she thought people were spying on her, hiding her things, etc. She then called police to report them. No one could put up with her.

Remember, the road to h-ll is paved with good intentions. She has to want to accept help or else, anything given freely will be discarded freely.

katiekat2009 Oct 2019
Personally, I would try to find her a used camper and have it set up in an RV park or private lot. Then, offer it to her to live.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Thanks, Polar

I could try placing something under her windshield I suppose.

Not sure about section 8 housing for her. She won’t drive in certain neighborhoods. We have high crime. She wants to be in safer areas. I just hate seeing people on the street or living in their car.

We can’t move the homeless in with us. Some people do. My grandpa moved a homeless man in his home for awhile. Grandma cooked for him, did his laundry and so forth. It’s complicated.

anonymous839718 Oct 2019
Very difficult in most areas to obtain low income housing. Single adults are lower priority. Section 8 wait list is currently closed in my town., and those on wait list face a 2 year wait. Senior housing is worse.

polarbear Oct 2019
NHwM- She obviously is embarrassed about being homeless. It seems that she should qualify for subsidized housing and low-income housing if she applies.

Maybe, you can help anonymously. You can leave on her car a list of names of low-income apartments around town, and the address and phone number to the office where she can apply for section 8. She probably can use some mental health assistance, too. The Council for Aging may be able to tell you where to go to get such help.

A list with the info above left on her car so that she can find and read on her own and decide if she wants to pursue. She doesn't need to know who left her that.

NHWM - you're such a big hearted caring person. I hope she will accept the help.

NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Wow, Usedup. Truly sad and depressing. Isn’t it?

It truly is hard to see.

anonymous839718 Oct 2019
Women over 50 are one of the fastest growing demographic in homelessness. Women over 50 usually do not have children which would place them higher on needs lists. Many church groups limit their assistance to families or women with children. Women in this age group are not old enough to receive Social Security. Many states and localities do not have assistance for working age adults. Being a woman and homeless is a hard place to find oneself.

Many women who do finally seek assistance are made to feel inadequate and they quit trying to find help. Women frequently live in cars and hide in plain sight. Many show up in ER’s on cold winter nights, desperate for warmth and a hot meal. Most of them have spent their adult lives living a paycheck away from being totally broke. I live in an area where the winters are brutal. Wind chills off the Great Lakes can be -25. My parish has free dinner three nights a week. If we have approved people to stay with the homeless overnight we run an overnight warming center, provide hot coffee and tea. We’re a small Parrish in a rundown town, hard hit by manufacturing job losses. It’s impossible to financially cover all the needs.

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