So unfair.....

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A friend of mine is asking for donations and hand made cards, for this little 6 year old little girl who lives in Utah and wont see another Christmas, she has less than a year to live. Her mother and sisters, as well as her extended family and friends are preparing for the inevitable. I just can't wrap my mind around this tragedy because children should NOT DIE!! They have their entire life ahead of them, this is such a waste.
My point is children should LIVE, old, sick people should not. Nursing homes are full old people no one wants around, sick, useless, at the end of their lives yet, they are kept alive with medications. No one wants to care for old people, most end up in this nursing homes, from the top of the line to the bottom of the barrel, because not even the wealthy want to waste their time changing diapers and cleaning after them, it's so hypocritical for "celebrities" to endorse this places, like Joan Lunden, endorsing "A place for Mom", she doesn't want to give up her life to care for her elderly mother, she wants to feel free to live her life without the burden of this old lady so she, who has tons of money, stuck her mother here, to ease her conscience and feel good about herself thinking she is doing something very nice and good for her mother.
But most of us don't have that kind of money so we are stuck caring for our elderly parents in our homes, who are so useless, who can't even clean after themselves when they go to the bathroom, who throw up, who poop on themselves and we are having to do this, out of obligation and lack of money and resources. I am all for charity organizations who concentrate on helping sick children live better lives, children deserve to have a life, old people lived their lives, good or bad, they had their chance, no resources or money should be invested and wasted in prolonging this lives, who contribute NOTHING and are just a huge burden for their families. I know I will be old one day but I rather kill myself than ask my daughters or grandchildren to carry the burden of changing my freaking diapers and clean me up!!! When we decide to have children, we are obligated to care for them, no child asks to be born. But children should NOT be obligated to waste their life savings and their time with their families to care for a useless unproductive person, who already had a chance to live a full life. Yes, most of us have parents who took care of us ok, but it was their choice to bring us into this world, I think it's so unfair to expect our children to give up their lives to care for us when we are old. If you can't take care of yourself, then you need to just die with dignity, I want my family to remember me as I am right now, I don't want their last memory of me having being of changing my dirty diaper or having to stash me away into a nursing home where strangers will have to do this for me. I pity the people who work in this institutions and it's not surprising to me to hear that they sometimes abuse and neglect the patients, if the children of this people really cared for their "loved ones", then they should care for them in their homes, but no one wants that, that is why nursing homes are such profitable places, and so are the pharmaceutical companies concocting more and more drugs to keep people alive and useless longer.
Hate me if you want to, I'm so fed up with this crap, I really don't care anymore.
I know you will disagree with me, so be it.


I understand your frustration.I am an old retired nurse of 30yrs caring for my NPD mother in my house.I am an only child with no children and KNOW I won't have the help my mother now enjoys. My hope is to outlive my pets I now have.I don't intend to prolong my life if there is no quality, I agree , if I get to the point I can't clean my own behind I am out of here.You are right, there is $$$ in all those old people, it behooves the "system" to guilt people into keeping people alive that nature long ago would have claimed,no quality of life. Not I am not talking about euthanasia, but why does a 85yr.old person need chemo? Are we shooting for 102yrs.old? When is enough ,enough.?
I don't think anyone who is an elder caregiver would not understand what you are writing. What you wrote makes me think of how programmed we are to increasing the length of life. We are taught to eat certain things, don't smoke, don't drink, have colonoscopies and mammograms to catch cancer early. Blood sugar tests, prostrate checks, cholesterol counts. Getting physicals each year to make sure we're in good working order. It actually gets very tiring.

For myself, I look and realize that half my family has developed dementia. There has been heart disease and blood clots. Anyone who lived past 75 had serious problems with their brains and other organs. If I say that I wouldn't mind dying when I've 75, though, people act like I broke a cardinal rule of life -- the rule that we should live on and on like we're forever young.

I also think about a conversation I have with my mother occasionally when she tells me she just wants to die. I ask her if she wants to die today. She stops and ponders, then says no. We may think we want to die, but we are always thinking about dying in the future, not today. It is a lot easier to die later than it is to die now.

I do see a sad thing that has happened because of the increased length of life and the cost of healthcare. Estates are something that only the wealthy have these days. In the old days, parents would leave their farms and other things to their children. These days properties go to early sales, reverse mortgages, and MERP to finance end-of-life costs. It is so expensive these days. Why does it cost so much? It is like everything that all the "little people" own is being siphoned off and channeled to people who really don't need any more money. It is the way things are in the US now.

I don't think elders are any less useful than children or younger adults. Really, we are all pretty useless. Some have more money and some are more pompous, but people are just people, and there are a lot of us. What I wish were true for people is that we could live healthy until something catastrophic happened, and POOF! we would be gone. But it doesn't work that way for most of us now that heart attacks and strokes are not necessarily fatal. The best we can do is plan for our later years, so we don't burden society.
it is very unfair to be the person caring for the elderly.. I agree with you just when you get to the point in your life where you should be enjoying your middle age or later years you start all over again like having a child only it's an elderly person that requires more than even a child needs from you. It's very frustrating and difficult and I agree with you also I don't want to be a burden to my children but financially there may be no choice and they will have to take me in because there is no where that we could afford. Hopefully I will be gone before I need that kind of care. I may have to stay living in Oregon so I have the right to choose when I die.
Those golden year dreams are still obtainable. I have a friend who seems to have everything so managed. He has a full-time job and family. The family is financially comfortable, so his mother is in an assisted living facility. He visits her and takes her to church and out to eat on Sunday. I can tell he is tired at times, but it seems to be the ideal way to handle things. Everyone sacrifices some to keep things running smoothly.

OTOH, I have a cousin whose health is not so good. His family was about the most dysfunctional, and still is. His father lives about 200 miles from him, but refuses to move out of his mobile home. So my cousin runs back and forth taking care of him. The father is a total a$$, but my cousin is a strong Christian who feels it is his duty to take care of him. (The father walked out on the family when the cousins were young, never providing any support at all.) In this case, only one side is sacrificing and the receiver is like a vampire draining the life blood of his son. He didn't contribute to his son's life, so really has no right to do this, but he feels entitled. The situation is working for the old man, but is harming the son.

I think the first approach is healthier for everyone involved. We tell my cousin to let his father face the choices if he doesn't want to change, but my cousin won't do that. Sometimes I think we caregivers have a hard time knowing when to stop giving.
I knew I was not alone in thinking this way, there are a lot of frustrated, grown up children who can't afford to pay to put their sick, elderly parents somewhere, because, no matter how much you loved your parents, having to deal with this huge burden, little by little eats away at that love.
I totally agree with Texarkana, today's society dictates how we should look, what foods we should eat and not eat to LIVE LONGER, but when people live longer, then no one wants to take care of them.
My horrible situation is worse than you can imagine. My mother is here illegally, I had to go to Mexico to bring her here because my siblings didn't want to care for her. She lived with my sister in Cabo San Lucas for 3 years and she hired a "care giver" who abused her mentally and, I believe, physically too. I went to see her back in 2011, my plan was just to stay 10 days, well, I ended up staying 3 months trying to fix her paperwork to bring her here because my sister was just going to buy her a ticket and put her in a plane and tell our brothers the flight number so someone go and get her at the airport. My sister was receiving money from all of us for the 3 years our mother lived there, but she has not sent one cent since our mother arrived here in February 2011. My brothers have send a total of $600.00 dollars, which doesn't even cover the diapers we've been buying. Never mind her medications and doctors visits. I had to take her to the dentist 4 months after she got here because two of the few teeth she had, broke and it was hurting her tongue. That cost about $550.00. which my dear husband paid. Since she is illegally here, I'm very scared about what will happen when she finally dies, we can't afford a lawyer to start the process of getting her some kind of card just so I wont get I trouble. WE ARE NOT ASKING ONE RED CENT FROM OUR GOVERNMENT, I am an American Citizen but I can't do anything about her immigration status. When I asked my brothers about sending me some money to help pay for the immigration lawyer, who was charging about $3,000.00 for the whole thing, no one responded. My husband of 41 years and our daughters help a little, my husband pays for everything, he even bought her a hospital bed so she can watch tv. comfortable, our youngest daughter, who lives next door, watches her the few times I go out with my aunt, my other daughter works all day so she really can't help.
My mother's geriatric doctor prescribed a belt to tie her to the bed at night because she keeps getting out of bed all night long, we couldn't sleep, she kept falling because she doesn't like the walker so now, she is also tied to the walker with some ribbon which I saw to her pj's top and to the walker, when I used to just tie a knot, she untie it.
I'm just so sick and tired of this, every morning when I go take her milk shake, I always hope she would be dead, she is miserable, her joints hurt, her back hurt because of the times she has falling.
What Texarkana and Jessie Bell say is so right, Nature has a way of getting rid of people who are sick and old but all we do now is take all kind of pills to cure this and that and the other, thus prolonging a useless life and putting the burden on the people who have to care for us. I do hope I never get to be this way, my mother used to be so active when she was younger, but she did take a whole lot of pills that my stupid, cheater of father used to give her, he was a doctor so he prescribed for her all of this antidepressants, like Ativan that she took for as long as I can remember. She was deeply depressed due to my stupid father's cheating ways, he left us when I was 15 y/o but he still came to the house to yell at my mother and us, picking up fights just so he could have an excuse to leave. My mother never divorce the bastard but that kind of life took it's toll on her and us. Now she is here and I hate it, I had no choice because my bitch of a sister would have done what she threatened to do, I just couldn't have that on my conscience so, I talked to my husband from Los Cabos and he agreed, he told me to do what ever it took to fix her papers and once she arrived, we will figure out what to do. Her turist visa expired in August of 2011 and, to renew it I was told she needed to go back to Mexico for a few months to wait for it there. I don't know if that was correct or I misunderstood but the immigration lawyer said that, if I was to apply for a green card for her, she must go to Mexico and wait there. I told my brother who is 2 years younger than me (by the way, I'm 63, I was very active, training for Triathlon races, I did 3 Iron Man Triathlons and several other smaller races, I've ran 3 Marathons too, I MISS ALL THAT, I MISS IT SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!!!)if he could have her at his house while we waited and he said a very decisive NO!!! So, she is here, and I don't know what to do, when she becomes to ill or unmanageable or is close to death, she will have to die here, we couldn't afford to hospitalize her, we would be bankrupt and my husband said he wont pay for that, which it's understandable, I wouldn't want to pay for that either.
My husband and I used to go on vacation with our grandchildren for spring brake, well, we can't go anymore, my husband's brother, who lives in The Netherlands has invited us to come and visit, we can't go, there is no one that can come and stay here, my daughters work so I would have to hire someone to stay at my house and that is totally out of the question.
Anyway, thank you for all your feedback, I will just live one day at the time, hoping every day she passes on in her sleep.
Regarding Joan Lunden, the reason she's not caring for her mother is because she herself is battling breast cancer. Cancer of any type can suck the life out of your, there isn't any energy left for anyone else. I know, been there, done that, still have the t-shirt.

But I understand your frustrations... I asked my parents what would they do if they outlive me.... all they could do is look at me like my hair was on fire :P
i sat at lunch with my aunt today in nh and observed nearly 80 old people in the cafeteria . they all had health problems but they still found things to be thankful and smile about . at the risk of being controversial i see their lives and personal comfort as being as important as any of society . in fact most of them have had hard lives long before this country had any kind of safety net and theyve paid immeasurable dues . besides the younger women and men caring for them need the crack money and are willing to work hard for it .
To Freeqflyer.....I didn't know about Joan Lunden, I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive but that is the tragic problem with adult children who, in her case, are ill themselves and still have to care for one or both parents. She has the money to put her mother in one of the best nursing homes in the Country but, what about the rest of us less wealthy people. I feel like my life is being sucked out of me by this woman upstairs that does nothing all day but watch tv. and eat and poop. If my siblings were on board perhaps I could take her to a day care for a few hours so I could work out and even train again for my races. But they refuse to accept responsibility and help me. The first year she was here, I kept calling and writing to them with absolutely no response. My brother next to me in age, (he is 61) told me that I left them when I got married. I think this is a very unfair thing to say to me. I got married to my husband of 41 years, I didn't abandon them to go on a 41 year vacation, I had my daughters and my husband and me forged a life here. We went to Mexico every year for the Holidays, we spent time with my mother, she was still ok back then.
I don't pray anymore because I'm loosing faith in a God that is ok taking a little child from hunger and disease or abuse and lets someone like my ill mother living 91 years, also sick, in pain, with nobody wanting to take care of her, becoming a nuisance and a burden to family or the staff at nursing homes. No one wants to care for sick old people, there is no joy in having her here. Sometimes a think of stopping her medications which she takes for a thyroid problem and depression. She has no chronic illnesses, no heart problems or kidney problems or cancer or anything like that, it's just the Dementia and the fact that her old body is of no use for her anymore.
People like her fill nursing homes, they are just taking up space, but the pharmaceutical companies keep coming up with lots of drugs to cure more illnesses, trying to prolong life. That is ok if you are still able to be productive and if you are young, but for old people like her and millions of others like her, what is the use of continue living??!!! I can't even call it "living", I call it EXISTING, with a crappy quality of life.
I think even Jesus Himself would have been really pissed off if He would have had to stop teaching the Word of God to stay home and take care of Mary.
Call me a blasphemer, I've become very cynical in matters of religion. I was baptized catholic and I used to have some faith but not anymore. My youngest daughter married a Christian man, who is truly loving and a great husband and father, she converted and she keeps trying to tell me that I must accept God into my life, that I must open my heart and let Jesus in and that I must go to church because that is what God wants, he wants us to put him first and to do good and be a good person. I'm a good person, I love my husband and my family, my grandchildren are the most important thing in my life, I'm always there to help both my daughters in the good times and in the bad times, I'm always there participating in the lives of my grandkids and i'm always here for my husband, I'm a good friend, a good neighbor, I don't steal, I don't do drugs or drink in excess, I care for animals and my community, so what more can I do to "let God into my life?"
I'm just tired and frustrated, I feel trapped and abandoned by my siblings, I hate having this woman in my house, having to feed her and clean her up. I truly hope she dies soon. She needs to rest from this hard life, she has suffered enough all her life, what is God waiting for?? They tell me He is not ready.....and I say, BS!!
I heard Dr. Phil say one day to a panel of crappy parents....."Treat your children with love and respect because one day they might have to take care of you." Whether they treat you good or not, caring for ill, old parents is horrible, disgusting and frustrating. I say that, if you can't wipe your own butt, if you can't even walk to the bathroom and you have to wear diapers, if you crap in your diaper and someone has to clean you up, if you can't feed's time to check out of this world. I won't put this burden on my family, like I said before, if I get to ill with whatever and if I start loosing it, I will end it!!!
tryingtomakeit, we need to learn from our parent's generation what to do and what not to do. And to tell our children [if we have any] to save for those rainy days when we get older. I don't plan to keep living in a single family house with stairs as I get older, too dangerous, and too much maintenance inside an out, like my parents are doing. I have saved like there was no tomorrow to make sure I can afford a nice retirement village. My parents saved big time, too, but they refuse to move somewhere where they would have MORE freedom.... and give me LESS stress.... [sigh]

My parents whine about being bored. Sorry, I can't be Julie McCoy *your cruise director*, that's just not me. My Dad thought since I was a woman that all women like to shop... NOT !!! Oh how I dreaded those shopping days. Dad finds grocery shopping very boring, well welcome to my world, Dad. Now I get my parents their groceries through an on-line service with either curb side pick-up or home delivery. That's becoming a big thing in my area now :)

I can't remember the last time I went to a movie, or dined out, or went clothes shopping in a store, or visited with a friend. My Dad [93] tends to fall, and Mom [97] who is very hard of hearing and almost blind gets overwhelmed will call me or my sig other instead of 911. Who can relax at a movie thinking your cellphone will ring a minute after the movie starts?

I knew zero about elder care until 6 years ago. My parents never were caregivers for their own parents, so my parents have no clue how stressful this can be. I am an only child so there is no baton to pass it onto. Plus I no children. My sig other helps out when he can but neither of us are retired.

Speaking of retirement... my parents enjoyed 25 years of fun filled retirement... I have seen zero so far. My parents could live to be 100. Will I have a fun filled retirement when that time comes? I doubt it, my health has taken a really big hit due to the stress :(
Tryingtomakeit, it is sad about the predicament you are facing. There is no doubt you are totally burned out from caring for your mother with no alternatives due to her immigration status. Perhaps you can find a lawyer willing to work pro bono to get your mother's status legal. I wish you the best.

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