I don't have anymore ME time.

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i am a full time caregiver to my husbands grandparents... all though i made my living before as a caregiver in a well recognized dementia facility here in western washington, i find myself not knowing what to do... only because i can no long seperate my work life from my home life. My husbands grandfather is going through agressive renal failure, along with diabetis, he has to go to dialysis 3 days a week. His Grandmother has first stage dementia. grandpa fell and broke his hip landing him in a rehab facility, shortly after grandma fell at here house and my husband found her naked the next day. When i was asked if i would become their caregive i jumped at the chance to be a stay at home mom again...(by the way i have a 3 year old son) not thinking of what impact this was gonna have on our family.. right now my husband is in Japan working and will not be home til April... it is hard, they are very set in their ways and both are home bound other then the occational trip to walmart.lol both are having a hard time coming to grip with everything going on. They have 2 daughters who dont really seem to show an interest in them other then when they thought that grandpa was going to pass... i just need and outlet.. i am glad i found this site!!! i feel as if i am neglecting my son.. i am catching myself getting short and snappy with him.. any tips on what i can do to help keep my head where it needs to be???

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Pintos, get yourself the fake salt. I use it, and can't tell the difference.
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kayBe, be careful when u talk about your moms behaviour.In her mind she is doing no wrong.She may have other health issues or on medication.My husband has hunningtons chorea. It destroys brain cells in the brain.He called me everything u could imagine.He tried to fight my son, tore up the house(not on purpose).His mind tells him one thing but his body can`t do anything anymore.In his right mind he would never talk yo me that way.My kids wouldn`t allow it.But they love there stepdad.he was always there for them.I married him knowing he had this illness,I love him so much that i want to see if i can make his time he has left happy as i can.My mom died of copd and i have it also.i took care of her the last 4 yrs of her life,then it went int congestive heartfaiilure,has dibetes for years and never knew it.The person who cares for u always is the person who gets hell.Theyneed to let out their anger.Find the right dr. to give her the right medicine.She probably is depressed.she don`t like being in the shape she is in anymore than u like dealing with it,I have been there with both parents and now my husband.And yes it drives u crazy,but i still feel like it is what God wants me to do.There is alot more to the stor so i will end by saying u are in my prayers and try to hang in there.I wish my mom was here.Iam not over her death,but have to live with it.Bye all Deb
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kayBe, be careful when u talk about your moms behaviour.In her mind she is doing no wrong.She may have other health issues or on medication.My husband has hunningtons chorea. It destroys brain cells in the brain.He called me everything u could imagine.He tried to fight my son, tore up the house(not on purpose).His mind tells him one thing but his body can`t do anything anymore.In his right mind he would never talk yo me that way.My kids wouldn`t allow it.But they love there stepdad.he was always there for them.I married him knowing he had this illness,I love him so much that i want to see if i can make his time he has left happy as i can.My mom died of copd and i have it also.i took care of her the last 4 yrs of her life,then it went int congestive heartfaiilure,has dibetes for years and never knew it.The person who cares for u always is the person who gets hell.Theyneed to let out their anger.Find the right dr. to give her the right medicine.She probably is depressed.she don`t like being in the shape she is in anymore than u like dealing with it,I have been there with both parents and now my husband.And yes it dives u crazy,but i still feel like it is what God wants me to do.There is alot more to the stor so i will end by saying u are in my prayers and try to hang in there.I wish my mom was here.Iam not over her death,but have to live with it.Bye all Deb
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You are all so friendly and I appreciate all the suggestions. Every day brings on new situations. I am so glad I found this site. There is so little information for caregivers and hardly any support, financial or emotional. Your stories give me hope and a laugh at times. No one else could ever imagine what we face each day. I'm learning to give this to God and to not let it get me down as much. I'm going to try some different suggestions and see how it goes. Thanks so much everyone.
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loving4life, I know what u r going through,u r deeply depressed and overwhelmed as iam.and yes my husbands siblings don`t care either.They go enjoy life while mine has ended as of now.Iam trying to get my husband on medicaid so i can get some kind of help.I don1t get paid.Iam living on my husbands disability check which isn`t enough at all.I guess i just wanted to tell u that u r not alone.Just ask God to give u strength to keep going.Thats what i do.There will be a place in heaven for u.God knows whats going on.You r paying the price now but will greatly be rewarded when it is your time. A friend , DEBBIE
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Kaybe-welcpme I am sure you will get much comfort from this site
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KayBe, for myself dealing with such a dysfunctional and abusive mother, I must watch how I say this because not every person receiving care is dysfunctional or abusive. From what I read in your post, and I could be wrong, it sounds like your mother is trying to find ways to annoy you so that she can get whatever she needs which could be to go back home.

Kids will push and push the boundaries until they know they an annoy mom and dad enough to get what they want so they will quiet down or get their way. Maybe we should apply that theory here? Maybe some options of getting out for a while is the adult day care. I personally did not have to use it, but I hear many here do, and its great. That may permit you the time to go out with your friends that seem not to be around anymore.

You need to get creative and its very hard to do when you are overwhelmed because the overwhelmed leads to exhaustion and there are just too many effects of lack of sleep that I'm sure we can all relate to here.

As far as the dental visits, schedule hers too at the same time so she's in a room and you are, and you can find peace while getting your teeth done? Sound crazy? Did it for my dad... the hygienists just loved my father and his joking and they kept him occupied while I got myself attended to. I told them he had Alzheimer's so they kept an eye on him for me.

Another thing I got to thinking, and this is the evil part of my brain working... LOL If she has COPD and wheel chair bound, next time you go to your computer room.... lock the doors to the house (so she doesn't get out of the house), lock the room to your computer room, find some headphones, crank up the sound, and there's you time. If you lock the doors to rooms, will she really get into them being wheel chair bound? They also have those childproof handle covers that are material that goes around the door handle so the child can't get a grip and can't open the doors. This way she can just talk and wander through the house in her wheelchair but what can she do when you're locked inside your room tuned out? Just maybe???

As far as being on the phone, that is a behavior that needs to be rectified immediately. I would have a little "firm" discussion about that and make it clear that there will be consequences (ie. I will not take time with you or do ______ until you can give me time here). But you need to follow through with it.

Things said are sometimes easier than done, but I noticed one thing as a teacher in adult education.... adults revert back to their childish behaviors, and each of us is going to have to deal with that type of childish behavior now in adult form. It is much more challenging because of the independence, but it still needs to be addressed so that you can get some sanity and renewal as their caregiver.

We're all there and we get it. We're here for you. Hope this helped spark the creative flow of ideas.
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Thanks everyone for your honesty. This is my first time to write on this site. I've been here to read quite a few times. It's been great hearing your stories, I kinda see me in each one of them.

I take care of my Mom who is 85 and has COPD. She's fulltime on oxygen and uses a wheelchair whenever we go somewhere. I'm here 24/7. She talks incessantly. I go to my computer and pretend I'm doing work just to have a moment alone. I have no friends, They stopped asking me to go to lunch, or out for dinner as I always had to bring Mom. My mother has a bad habit of belching really huge and doesn't say excuse me or anything. Then she would just fall asleep during a visit because she can't keep up with the conversation. Whenever I try to visit on the phone, she keeps coming into the room and acting very up tight and then begins to put that person down. I'm afraid one day they will hear her on the other end of the line.

My mom has lived with my husband and me for 81/2 years. We thought when our last daughter got married, that we would be able to do things and go places with no strings attached. Then comes mom. We have to have a sitter if we are able to get out. (not often enough) Mom is afraid to stay at home by herself even during the day so I have to take her to my dental or dr visits. I hardly get to visit my daughters and grandkids as she is so critical and loud and constantly telling them what they do wrong in her opinion.

I am worn our, my husband is frustrated with our lack of any privacy. My husband has health issues and would like to retire but won't because he doesn't want to be around her 24/7. I was diagnosed with Hep C four years ago and I get very tired and have to fight depression constantly. Yes, I'm on drugs for this and see a psycharist onec a month. We are trying to cope but it is almost too much for us. We've never had any family help and we have asked for it. Everyone works and my brothers wives don't get along with her and her criticisim.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Most people do not understand caretaking and have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't personally know anyone who takes care of parents or sick family so this site has really brought some peace of mind to me. To know that others feel at times they want to quit or guilty for feeling that way about their own Mom. Thanks again.
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All of her meals are home cooked by me and i don't use much salt. i don't use can foods either they are loaded with salt i do use frozen veggies. it is probaly her heart and lack of exercise plus she don't elevate them high enough. thanks for the input.
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Could you use salt subsitute it comes in shakers that look like salt and they would probably not be able to read it anyway and maybe after a while they would cut down on it because it is not bothering any one, My MIL was in a N.H. and on a reducing diet but she so enjoyed a treat so I told her doc that once a week I was going to bring in food she liked and he wrote an order for comfort food so the dietician would get off my back she was in a room by herself mostly on bedrest.
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