My MIL has dementia, is overweight and is severely incontinent and yet, the family intends for her to attend her grandson's wedding in another month and a half. She is wheelchair-bound. They have hired a caregiver to help my MIL during the 6 - 8 hr-long church service and reception that follows. It is not clear that the venues are handicapped-accessible. This is all taking place in Germany where the family lives. My husband and I are flying over for the event. I am very concerned about how this will all play out- for all involved. Any ideas about how to deal with this situation?
44 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
My grandmother was at my wedding with dementia and incontinence back in 1980. She ate all the butter pats on the table exclaiming how delicious that cheese was. She later urinated on the floor because my mother didn't have the presence of mind to put a disposable brief on her.
What I remember most was that my grandmother attended my wedding. Not what she wore or how her body size looked. The only important thing to both of us was that she was able to attend my special day.
Your MIL has her own personal caregiver to attend to her and to help her with any issues that may arise. Germany has strict, mandatory accessibility requirements for disabled people through the German Accessibility Strengthening Act.
Seems to me the caregiver will be dealing with your MIL, not you, and your concern is related to appearances only. How she will look or act, etc. You don't want her there but she's coming anyway, in other words. Good for her! And her grandson will have the Memory of his grandmother, in all her blessed imperfection, being at his wedding to celebrate his joyous day. Likely one of the last times he'll see her. My wedding was the last time I saw my grandmother, too.
ADVERTISEMENT
This is so NOT your problem.
Unless YOU are being asked to escort her to Germany
Unless YOU are being asked to take care of her
Unless YOU are being asked to change her briefs
If you are upset about this and how it will play out it is your option to decline the wedding invitation and stay home.
Enjoy the trip and the wedding.
I am sure the rest of the family is looking at this as it may be the last time many of the relatives will see "Mildred" and THEY are looking forward to it. If they do not have a clue as to what she will need that is on them and I am sure that is why they are having a caregiver by her side.
You are a guest.
MIL has local family that take care of her. They have hired a CNA for the day to be with grandma. The CNA may take her home early.
Your role is simply to show up and be a wedding guest.
Your husband's role is to say hello to his mother.
The local family in Germany is okay with things and the grandson is okay with things. In much of Europe families are more hands on with care than in the US.
Your role is to show up and celebrate the bride and groom.
My in laws were planning on flying to my son’s wedding . It would have been a disaster . They were refusing our plan to pay for and supply an aide and wheelchair etc . My husband and I were willing to pay for these needed arrangements so we could enjoy ourselves . I’m sure one of them would have fallen, otherwise . Last minute they decided they were not comfortable traveling .
We are all like turtles. Some have beautiful shells, and some shells that have scars, marks, or damage. What really matters is the turtle inside. Our shells die, but who we are is the turtle, not the shell.
The caretaker will make sure she has on the necessary underwear, and take care of her needs. Is life only allowed for thin people with no diseases? Stop being so judgmental. She was a baby, a kid, and a young healthy adult at one time. Have some compassion, and welcome her to the wedding. You have a lot to learn about what is important in life.