Advice on parent who wants to come home for a visit?

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faithfulbeauty Asked August 2024

Advice on parent who wants to come home for a visit?

My father has been in a facility for two months ( almost 3). He seems to like it thus far. Lately he has talked about wanting to visit home. The issue is that he can no longer walk and it would be hard for me or anyone to assist while at home. I understand that he misses home but it would be hard. He has mentioned a friend picking him and bringing him and the friend is not really able to help either. His can longer attend to bathroom needs on his own, get in and out of bed by himself and etc. Although he and I have had a tough relationship, I do not want to hurt his feelings by reminding him of his disabilities. I think deep down he knows. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Mobility Relationships

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score 8 · Answer 1

NOOOOOOO. NEVER.

He may decide he doesn’t want to leave his home again, and refuse to leave .

Helpful Answer (8)

@waytomisery,
I thought about that and I would not be surprised if he did that.

(3)

score 8 · Answer 2

It was so hard to get your father in a facility . Do not reverse the progress .

Helpful Answer (8)

@wayto misery,
It sure was!!!!!!!!!

(1)

score 6 · Answer 3

Just tell him he is physically not able to handle the visit. Don't try to 'make it happen' for him. Often our elders want us to make it all better for them as if it is somehow our fault they have grown old and frail.

Helpful Answer (6)

@Ikdrymom,
When I try to talk to him and explain that he is not physically able and etc., he gets very defensive. Deep down, he knows that he is not able but he just feels like I should assist him and it does not matter how hard the task.

(0)

score 6 · Answer 4

Or get a little slippery 😁

Let's see, what are the top requests we read about on the forum;
Take me out for a nice meal.
Take me to my home for a visit.
Take me on a cruise holiday.

Dad says " I want to..."
🍲🏡🛳
Whoosh.. that request just SLID off. Like you were made of teflon.

Dad says "I said I want to.."
Yes Dad I heard you.

Dad says "I said I want to.."
I know. I heard.

Now if he moves from I WANT.. to I WANT YOU to...

Again, echo it. What? ME? You want ME to what?
Are you ASKING me??
Then BOOM💥
Barb's words of wisdom:
"No. That doesn’t work for me".

PS This has been working for me.

Some folk state their wants & wishes. They drop hints. They EXPECT you to pick up that hint & MAKE it happen. *entitled*.

Nope. Wait for them to ASK for what they want. Ask like an adult.

They try to avoid asking. Why? Because asking a question gives you a CHOICE. The choice to say NO. *control*

Is your Dad like that?

Helpful Answer (6)

Yes, this !

(0)

score 5 · Answer 5

Another vote for an emphatic "no". If you don't want to argue with him you can tell him some therapeutic fib such as, "Your doctor says you can't go" and leave it at that. Also please consider that if he's asking to "go home" he may be Sundowning. If so, he is referencing his childhood home, not his most recent residence. You can just tell him "No, that's no possible" and then quickly change the topic or distract hiim.

Helpful Answer (5)

@Geaton777, I have been reading about Sundowning.

(1)

score 5 · Answer 6

I want.. is a WISH.

- Validate his feeling: Yes Dad. I wish you could go home for a visit too.
- Empathise: insert sad face.
- Pause.
- Change topic.
End.

You have no obligation to turn his wishes & whims into realities.

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score 4 · Answer 7

No, do not take him back to his home. Tell him its not feasible right now.

Helpful Answer (4)

@JoAnn, thanks for your reply. I think he knows that. I also think he wants to see what I'm going to say. I am going to tell him that this is not possible.

(1)